The anatomy of sex & storytelling | Part 01
Can You Write Your Way to Better Sex?
Why good storytellers make more attractive lovers
A closer look at an exchange of sexual fantasies made me curious about the relationship between sex and storytelling. What’s the connection between the two, and does mastering the art of storytelling indicate creativity and prowess in bed?
I briefly dated a guy who sent me the best-worst description of a sexual fantasy I’ve ever read. When he told me he had a hot good-night story for me, I waited in excitement.
Jesper was no writer, and English was his second language, so by no means did I expect a literary masterpiece. Still, nothing could have prepared me for what he slipped into my inbox that late-summer evening. It blew my socks off — but not in a good way!
Not sure whether to laugh or cry, I struggled not to fall off my chair. I had no idea how to respond when he asked.
— Sooo… what do you think?.
The only thing I managed to say without lying was:
— Wow! That was interesting…
We all know that ‘interesting’ is never a compliment, especially not in a sexual context.
It’s no secret that I have a thing for the creative type; I naturally gravitate towards both friends and lovers on the right-brained side of the spectrum.
Regardless of their medium—whether painting with acrylics or words—the best artists tend to be excellent storytellers. And excellent storytellers often happen to have a knack for crafting intriguing sexual scenarios as well.
The connection between creative and sexual energy is blatantly apparent to me, and while having an overflow of one doesn’t guarantee a surplus of the other, there’s often a clear correlation.
It makes sense that a general tendency to think outside the box translates to the bedroom. Creativity is by nature inquisitive and requires a willingness to explore the less-than-ordinary.
Not surprisingly, I’ve found the kink and BDSM community to be laden with alternative types too. To create effective scenes one has to be comfortable with challenging the status quo—and be able to craft a decent storyline.
Occasionally, I take a break from meeting people in the scene, and revert to regular dating platforms, with variable results. In the first, matches are predominantly based on sexual preferences and chemistry— in the latter, we connect over more ordinary interests.
Let me tell you, the creative and highly sensual sex-nerd who happens to be emotionally available, and sociable, are as scarce as hen’s teeth!
Jesper from OkCupid seemed promising. We met up at a stand-up comedy event, and I was stoked to learn that he was eager to expand his sexual horizons. He’d even bought a BDSM starter kit from Amazon, which I teased him about (nicely)—but, ultimately took as a positive sign that he was open-minded.
Jesper played it cool, but despite his best efforts to hide it, my sexual brashness intimidated the hell out of him. I wanted to encourage him, without making him feel uncomfortable, so I leaned on the breaks and steered the ship with great caution.
That’s when we decided to exchange fantasies as a way to ease into it: He’d write and send me the hottest version of a BDSM scenario that he could think of, and I’d reply with a story of my own.
The story he sent me was shocking, not so much because of the things he described, but how he described them. There was no real story arch, but a bunch of random sex acts thrown together haphazardly.
Instead of feeling teased and aroused, his fantasy left me confused and queazy.
—Oh, lord! I thought.
Not the “oh, lord, take me now!”, but “oh, lord, this is worse than anything I could have expected”.
—If this is how he writes a sex story, imagine how he’d act one out.
The thought made me shudder.
To tell a good story you want to set the stage and get your reader in the mood; you want to arouse and rope them in with your words. Then, building slowly, you create tension while approaching climax.
You may add a few curveballs and surprise elements along the way — all though, these must somehow make sense and tie into the overall storyline. In the end, all should culminate into a delicious, anticipated release.
Post-apogee, you make sure your reader lands safely by giving them a bit of after-care; you pick up the pieces, tie the whole ‘shebang’ together and wrap it up comfortably, making them feel safe and cared for.
Now, replace the word reader with partner in the paragraphs above, and you have a basic ‘recipe’ for setting up and acting out a steamy sex-scenario.
As you become a more confident and experienced storyteller—and lover—you’ll naturally become more daring. You’ll be able to juggle more complex language and concepts while understanding the power of self-restraint and simplicity.
Jesper’s story deviated far from this recipe, and ventured way outside his comfort zone, both in terms of form and content. It left me with little faith in his ability to translate one to the other.
The attraction I’d previously felt towards him literally vanished with his words. Of course, there was more to it than that, but, an intriguing story could have tipped the weight in his favor. Instead, his atrocity of a tale demolished my mojo.
A bit of research tells me that I’m not odd to react this way, on the contrary, women, especially, seem to be drawn to good storytellers.
The Wallstreet Journal, which claims that Good Storytellers are Happier in Life and Love, explains why many women gravitate towards good stories:
Women rated men who were good storytellers as more attractive and desirable as potential long-term partners. Psychologists believe this is because the man is showing that he knows how to connect, to share emotions and, possibly, to be vulnerable. He also is indicating that he is interesting and articulate and can gain resources and provide support.
A different article in Business Insider features a study that seconds the incentive above, and goes to conclude:
Storytelling ability reflects a man’s ability to gain resources. Good storytellers may be more likely to influence others or to gain positions of authority in society.
I’d promised Jesper a story in return, so, keeping to my words, I replied with my own version of a sexy D/s scenario.
I was considerate of the fact that as an art director, and therefore a storyteller by trade, I did have somewhat of an unfair advantage, but even so, the exchange only further highlighted our discrepancies, and sent us both adrift—in opposite directions.
Without any hard feelings, I was content to sail along.
I never expected a perfectly worded story: As someone who only recently started referring to myself as a writer, most of the stories I’ve told in the past have been predominantly using visuals.
I frequently admire the stories told through the work of visual artists as well. They demonstrate that it’s more than possible to exhibit excellent storytelling abilities, even without words.
My problem with Jesper’s fantasy had less to do with linguistic dexterity, and everything to do with his lack of understanding of the sexual dynamic. In reality, his poor storytelling caused me to lose faith in him as a potential lover.
Perhaps, as the articles quoted above argue, I also equate storytelling abilities to strength, resourcefulness, and authority? It’s quite likely that possessing this skill speaks to a person’s character far beyond the bedroom too.
An article in Psychology Today suggests that successful storytellers have more sex as well as more sexual partners than those with lesser storytelling skills.
Studying Agta, a modern-day Filipino hunter-gatherer population, researchers concluded:
The storytellers had higher social status and received more resources than even skilled foragers. More importantly from an evolutionary point of view, they produced on average more offspring.
“Stories are ideas wrapped in emotions, so they go right at the decision-making faculty”, continue the authors.
It seems as if being an adept storyteller speaks of a person’s ability to influence others, which again indicates power.
If this is true, it could be that by revealing his ailing story, Jesper also appeared to me as ‘weak’.
Conclusion
Sexual and creative energy are naturally connected, and creativity in life often translates to creativity in the bedroom.
If we look at the basic anatomy of a good story, it mimics that of an alluring sexual scenario. Therefore, having an understanding of storytelling, whether verbal or visual, can be especially beneficial when exploring more advanced sexual practices.
Great storytelling skills further speak to a person’s character and indicate an ability to influence, which consequently is viewed as a strength.
To answer my first question, we probably can’t write (or ‘story-tell’) our ways to great sex alone, but honing our craft, regardless of our tools of choice, can open the door to greater creativity and understanding around sexual dynamics in general.
And, what better reasons are there than to get cracking on refining our narratives?
