Can you really trust them?
Before you spill your heart to your new partner or love interest, ask yourself an important question. Can you really trust them?
by: E.B. Johnson
We move through this life in good faith, hoping that the people we connect with have our best interests at heart. That’s not always the case, though. As much as we would like to see the best in others, some people aren’t trustworthy. When you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart, it’s important to be honest and realistic. Guard your feelings and protect your happiness, so that you can move forward toward a safer and more elevated future.
They’re not as trustworthy as you think.
When you’re dealing with an untrustworthy person, there are a number of signs you can be on the lookout for. From a lack of consideration to a total lack of integrity — people who don’t have our best interests at heart always have a way of revealing themselves. People tell us when we can’t trust them. Listen to them when they tell you who they are.
No consideration
Are you dealing with someone who has no consideration for other people? Maybe they don’t take your feelings into account. Or perhaps they don’t try to see things from your perspective. This behavior can also reflect in their relationships with other people. Do they regularly step on others to get where they want to be? Dismiss their feelings or belittle the issues? Warning lights should be going off.
Zero empathy
Empathy is such an important part of every relationship that we have. It’s how we get on the same page and stay bonded, despite the conflict and hardship that’s guaranteed to arise. When a partner or a friend can’t show empathy, it’s a sign they may also not be trustworthy. Showing empathy is showing understanding. If someone can’t understand you, they’re more likely to sell you out.
Pushing boundaries
Does your friend or partner constantly push your boundaries? Do they make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe any time they’re around? These are important feelings to take note of, because they can indicate someone who is pushing your boundaries in dangerous ways. The people we let into our lives must respect us. That’s how we build reciprocal bonds that are worth investing in.
Lack of trust
Although it may seem counterintuitive, one of the most common signs of an untrustworthy person is a lack of trust. Untrustworthy people very often lack trust in everyone around them. They lack trust in themselves, their friends, and even their family. That’s because they recognize their own deceitfulness. Because they know they are willing to betray, they expect the same treatment from everyone else.
Missing integrity
We need integrity in the people around us. To have integrity means to have a sense of morality and honor. You don’t like hurting people; you don’t like lying, and you don’t like failing when you have an acute sense of integrity. You beliefs and values are aligned. That’s not the case with an untrustworthy person. They lack this integrity, so they break their promises, betray secrets, lie, cannot show up, and will hurt anyone to get what they want.
Historical absence
It’s important to look at someone’s history before we invest too heavily in them. While a history isn’t the entire picture of who someone is, it can be an important indicator of trustworthiness. Does your loved one or friend have a recent history of stabbing other people in the back? All all their former friendships fraught with conflict and secrecy? If they have a pattern of betrayal and not showing up — then they’ll do the same to you.
Volatile nature
Volatile nature is another concrete sign of someone who can’t entirely be trusted with our emotional needs. This is someone who lacks predictability in emotions and behavior. They change quickly in their moods and their loyalties and you never know what side they’ll end up on. Chances are, they are just as unaware of their behavior, choices, and how they impact others.
Too much charm
Is there someone in your life who just packs way too much charm? They probably get out of a lot of sticky situations by sweet talking their way into people’s hearts. This personality type is usually over-the-top, and over-idealized in their behavior. Remember, even with people that we care for: if it’s “too good to be true” it probably is. Untrustworthy people can float through life on charm.
How to handle an untrustworthy person.
There’s a certain level of nuance that goes into dealing with an untrustworthy person. First, you need to tune in to your intuition. Then you can begin taking off the blinders (for real) and guarding your emotions. It’s important to that you seek to elevate your social groups and relationships…even if you can’t eliminate the untrustworthy person from your circle entirely.
1. Listen to your intuition
More often than not, our intuition throws up some really loud warning signals when we’re dealing with a fake or untrustworthy person. The problem is that we’re often so desperate to be liked (or loved) that we shut off and ignore the signs that would otherwise protect us. That’s not how we build happy social circles and relationships, though. Our intuition exists for a reason. Acknowledge it if you want a life that’s aligned and joyful.
Listen to your intuition. Are the warning bells going off whenever a certain person asks you to open up to them? Do their questions seem prying? Have you seen them betray others time-and-time again?
Our intuition is tied to our subconscious, and our subconscious mind is a supremely powerful tool. It constantly scans the world and identifies the patterns all around. The subconscious sees things that our emotions often prevent our conscious brain from seeing. Your intuition is the messenger, setting off the warning bells as your subconscious notes dangerous patterns ahead. You need to listen to your intuition and acknowledge it to move forward positively.
2. Take off the blinders
You cannot make a move to protect yourself until you acknowledge (honestly) what you’re dealing with. This means looking at someone you really care about and admitting that they don’t have the moral fortitude to love or support you in how you want it. While that’s painful, it’s also necessary. We have to see the manipulators and betrayers in our lives for who they are so we can deal with them effectively.
Take off the blinders and see them for who they are. Stop ignoring their behavior only as it pertains to you. Look around. How are they treating others? What does their history entail? Someone with an established path of hurting others will eventually hurt you (whenever it suits them).
If you intend to protect yourself, you need to accept who the untrustworthy person is. Whoever they are with others is a facet of who they are; just as who they are with you is a facet of who they are as well. You’ve got to acknowledge and accept this complete picture in order to make sure you don’t. fall into the same traps that others did. We can’t pick what behaviors and beliefs we like in someone else. The entire package tells the entire story.
3. Guard your emotions
More often than not, it’s our emotions that get used against us by the betrayer. If you’re serious about protecting yourself and ridding your life of untrustworthy people, then you have to get serious about guarding your emotions. Just as you don’t give narcissists the emotional keys to your kingdom, the same thing applies to the liar and backstabber.
Guard your emotions and keep important information close to the chest. Untrustworthy people like to attack us using our feelings and the things that are closest to our hearts. Don’t give a liar and manipulator ammunition to use against you when you’re vulnerable or on your own.
Play it close. If they ask you about something you’re really invested in, keep it light. Or change the subject entirely. You don’t have to give someone more access to you than they deserve. You don’t. have to let them into places where they are given freedom to wound you. People get into the closest parts of our lives by proving themselves to us. They prove we can trust them and that they want the best for us and our futures.
4. Avoid over-investment
It’s not always easy to spot the person who isn’t worth our trust. They can be very charming. Appearing as the ideal friend or partner, we can invest heavily in them on both a physical level and an emotional one too. This is when we get burned, though. Once they’re in the door, they collect the information that they need and use it against us when it suits them. Unless you want this cycle to repeat, you have to learn how to stop over-investing in people who aren’t worthy of your time.
Untrustworthy people aren’t worth investing our time and energy into. Don’t put too much of your energy into someone that you can’t trust to support you. Don’t make them out to be something that they aren’t. You need to keep dangerous people at arm’s length (if you decide to keep them in your life at all).
Pull back and create space between yourself and the liar or backstabber in your life. No matter what they demand from you, refuse to give in. There is no one who is entitled to your time and efforts. You decide who gets access to you, and who gets to influence your life. Invest wisely in the people you let into your closest inner circles. Give only to those who have proven to add value (and joy) to your life.
5. Elevate your social circles
Ultimately, untrustworthy people can’t be trusted with the things that matter most — so why do we need them in our lives? If you can cut this person you, that’s the path you need to take. But that’s not always the case. Whether or not you can remove them, you still need to take steps to enhance the other relationships in your life. By elevating our social circles, we can limit the access and success that untrustworthy people have in our lives.
Even if you can’t rid yourself of the untrustworthy person entirely, focus on elevating the quality of all your other social circles. Little-by-little, we can create a more positive environment for ourselves. And this makes it harder for the untrustworthy person to survive amid it all.
When we elevate our social circles, we elevate our own view of self. Seek people who want the best for you. Find friends and loved ones who cheer you on, even when you don’t have the energy or vision to cheer for yourself. Good people with the right intentions want to see us do well. More than that, they want it out of the goodness of their hearts — not because they want something for themselves, but because they love and value you.
Putting it all together…
Are you dealing with an untrustworthy person? While it would be nice to see the best in everyone, it’s not a realistic expectation. Some people don’t care about us. And some people don’t have integrity. Accepting this is a crucial part of growing up and seeing the world as genuinely is. Have you encountered someone untrustworthy close to you in your life? Take action to protect yourself and put them in a safe box on the outskirts of your happiness.
Listen to your intuition. If it warns you to tread carefully with someone, take a step back and question whether that’s really necessary. Once you acknowledge your worries, you can start taking off the blinders to see the other person as they really are. Being unable to trust them means it’s important to guard your emotions with them. Don’t over-invest. Don’t give them emotional weapons to use against you. Keep your distance and don’t expect heroic feats from someone with no integrity. Focus on the good people you have in your life. Elevate your social circles and all. your other relationships. Squeeze out the bad by increasing all the good in your life and your future.
- van de Rijt, A., & Buskens, V. (2006). Trust in Intimate Relationships. Rationality And Society, 18(2), 123–156. doi: 10.1177/1043463106063319
