Can Virgins Have a Fulfilling Sex Life?

Let’s dare to defy cultural standards that limit our sexual expression and enjoyment

Can you have a sex life if you’re a virgin? No, really, I mean it.

I ask because I was recently approached by someone on Twitter asking me to tackle this subject. I was thrilled with the prospect because I know what our culture would say: No.

Our culture doesn’t recognize masturbation as sex. Our culture doesn’t recognize sex outside of traditional expressions of sexuality.

For a species with infinite spiritual, intellectual, physical, and sexual expressions, we somehow insist on keeping sex in a box, limiting it to the most basic and traditional of definitions.

But I refuse to let our sexually-stifled culture define who I am as a sexual being. For instance, I refuse to buy into the notion that because I’m single right now and not having sex with other people, that I don’t have a sex life or that I’m sexually dissatisfied. Don’t get me wrong — I’m dying for someone to put their hands on me. But I’m not sexually dissatisfied and I don’t consider myself to be celibate.

I have a very healthy sex life with my favorite partner — myself. It’s a committed, intense relationship and I’m not going to let anyone define it as anything less.

By the same token, I insist that virgins can be sexually active and fulfilled without having to engage in sex with other people.

I think it’s a dangerous notion, in fact, to define our sexuality in reference to our engagement with others. We do not become sexual beings by having sex with another person. We were created as sexual beings. Period.

By insisting that we become sexual beings only when we have sex with another person, we are invalidating our own or someone else’s sexuality. Sexuality is so much more than just sex with other people.

So before we dive in to all the ways a virgin can cultivate a healthy sex life, let’s talk about virginity for just a moment. Yes, I’m the first one to yell “Virginity is a social construct!” because I think, in general, we make way too big a deal of this, especially when it comes to women. Dear gods, having sex for the first time was such a ridiculously big, scary deal for me all because everyone made me believe that not only would it hurt like hell (it didn’t hurt, at all) but that it was a defining moment not only in my life but as a moral decision that I would have to live with until the day I died. Je-sus.

I was so afraid to pick the wrong person (i.e. someone I didn’t end up having a long-term relationship with, because wouldn’t that just make me a slut?), so afraid that if I was careless my “number” might one day end up being “too high,” so afraid of not doing things the right (i.e. morally appropriate) way…

So yes, I think the narrative around virginity that our culture tells is largely sexist, inaccurate, and a real buzz kill.

However, it’s important to acknowledge that “losing our virginity” is a marker of experience in our lives.

And it’s even more important to acknowledge the fact that each person has different perspectives on virginity and, as it relates to their own, we must respect that. If someone chooses to remain a virgin for whatever reason, up to and including upholding their personal code of morality, then being sex-positive means that we honor that person’s right to define their sexuality and make sexual choices for themselves in whatever way they want.

So it doesn’t matter why someone is a virgin, how old they are when/if they choose to have sex with someone, or why they eventually choose to have sex.

To take that point further, I’m going to do something radical here and write this article from the perspective that virginity is not an “unfortunate circumstance” that one is trying to quickly alter. Let’s look at this from the respectful perspective of virginity as someone’s choice, and applaud anyone who is smart enough to know that they can still have a healthy, satisfying sex life even without ever having had sex with a partner, by doing things like this…

Dress in ways that express your sexuality

How do you want to feel as a sexual being? What does that look like?

When I think of expressing my sexuality through the way I dress, I often want to highlight my femininity, but also express some of the masculine energy I often feel. Since I was a teenager, I’ve always loved finding ways to feminize men’s clothing. I loved to wear ties and blazers in high school with skirts or tight pants. In my thirties and forties, I’ve found that I love pairing masculine plaid shirts with skirts and big earrings or leggings and high boots that accentuate my curves.

Maybe you want to emphasize certain masculine or feminine qualities of your body — or go more androgynous. Or perhaps you want to express your sensual side by wearing lots of bold textures like faux furs, or satiny slip dresses.

And yes, you can still wear those “come fuck me boots” even if you don’t want anyone to actually come fuck you.

Take nude self-portraits

I will forever tout this as a wonderful exercise in exploring one’s sexuality. It has been one of the most enlightening ways I have been able to understand my own sexuality.

It is just me and my camera. I don’t have to deal with the expectations or perceptions of a lover which might skew my own self-perception. Without all the extra noise, all I hear is my own voice. All I see is my own body.

You can keep these super casual — grabbing your phone and snapping photos just before you go to bed. Or you can go all out, like I do by setting up your camera on a tripod and using the timer function.

After you get over the initial discomfort of posing in front of the camera, you’ll start to realize that no one is watching or judging. You can be yourself.

Then you’ll start feeling more grounded, deeper in your own body. You’ll start posing in ways you never imagined you would be brave enough to try.

At some point, you’ll realize that you’re incredibly turned on, which feels so amazing. You’ll come to understand that your embodiment of your own sexuality brings you sexual pleasure — no one else is needed. That is such an amazing feeling.

As you explore this over the course months or even years, you will start to learn all kinds of things about yourself. You’ll learn to see your body with more compassion, to view it through the eyes of a lover (which again, feels amazing), to try new things, to question assumptions you’ve made about yourself and your sexuality…

It’s a deep exploration that takes you places you never thought you would go.

Engage with sexual content

Don’t be afraid to explore different kinds of sexual content. Porn can be a fun outlet for sexual exploration under the right circumstances. Just try to find sites that align with your sexual values and preferences.

Don’t be afraid to fall down a rabbithole if you really want to go exploring, but remember that porn is still overwhelmingly made for the male gaze, often served with a heaping spoonful of misogyny. So if you’re a woman, be prepared to block out some stuff you wish you had never seen — trust me, that’s gonna happen.

But when you stumble onto just the right video it can be an incredibly intense sexual experience, even when you are alone.

Read erotica and find the styles and language you like. Be on the lookout for sexually-oriented artistic endeavors and social statements like Hysterical Literature. Take classes on sex. Go see a burlesque show.

There are all kinds of outlets and ways to explore your sexuality without actually engaging in sex with another person.

Masturbate like a champion

This is like personal hygiene to me — it’s non-negotiable. It’s not necessarily something I do every day, but I don’t let too long go by between orgasms. I consider orgasms as important to my health as brushing my teeth or working out.

And it’s not a chore or a passive activity. I’m not lying on my back just trying to polish one off and get on with my day.

I try to approach it with the same effort and excitement that I would give to a lover. Why should I give myself anything less than that?

So yes, the sheets get mussed, as well as my hair, I get sweaty, clothes come off, and more often than not, my face ends up pressed into my pillow as I try to catch my post-orgasm breath.

I have a very, very good time with myself and consider it just as legitimate as sex with another person.

This is just the beginning when it comes to exploring one’s sexuality. There are infinite ways to accomplish this.

But I think the most important thing we can do, virgin or not, is to define our own sexuality in any way that we choose, no matter what rules our culture has about it.

After all, who cares who we had sex with? It’s more important to know ourselves, to understand our sexuality, and to know how to find fulfillment.

Everything else is just extra.

© Yael Wolfe 2020

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