Can Masturbation Screw With Your Orgasms?
Masturbation can be a double-edged sword. Here’s why.
Before anyone gets offended or defensive, I want to make it clear that I’m not at all anti-masturbation. This isn’t an article telling you to stop pleasuring yourself, instead, I’m here to argue for what I’ll call mindful masturbation—self-pleasure with purpose and intent—as a way to increase satisfaction and improve your sex life. On the contrary, I believe that mindless, careless wanking could have the complete opposite effect.
You may think that, as a sex writer, I’m the type who can orgasm in all kinds of ways and in any position imaginable. I wish that was true, but alas, it isn’t—and I’ll let you in on a secret: I used to only be able to orgasm one single way; on my back, with my legs tense and straight while quickly rubbing (or have someone else rub or lick) my clit. Let’s call it the log pose.
Learning to orgasm differently didn’t happen for me by accident, instead, I excised my orgasmic abilities. Still nowhere near Emma’s 12 different ways to orgasm, I’m getting closer, slowly, surely — and with conscious effort and self-training.
Now, being multi-orgasmic or able to reach orgasm in a number of ways shouldn’t be a competition. Your sex life isn’t necessarily better because you can come while standing on one leg — it’s not performance art. But, while goal-oriented, orgasm-chasing sex isn’t something I recommend, we can’t deny that we do want the release of the big-O. Unfortunately, what I’ve seen happening, with myself included, is that we can get so accustomed to our one favorite route to climax that we rely on it and therefore miss out on pleasures that could easily be within our reach.
How I first learned to orgasm
When I first figured out how to reach climax, around the time I was twelve, I had already experimented for years. I can’t pinpoint exactly when it started, but I have vague memories of masturbating, in some shape or form, since childhood:
I remember the tingling sensation of rubbing myself up against my pillows in bed, of accidentally misplacing the back massage pillow on the couch at home, of scaling the ropes in gym class, and later, learning to ride horses and marveling at the sensations produced by pressing myself up against the front of the saddle. There was no single aha-moment, where I suddenly realized the source of pleasure hidden between my legs, rather a slow and steady development that eventually led me there.
When I understood what maturation was, I knew, somehow intuitively, that this was something I should keep to myself and be very quiet about, so, I got myself there, quiet as a rock, stretched out and hidden under my blankets. Hence, the log pose was born.
I went on to perfect this move; the tension in my legs and highly controlled pressure on my clit always drove me past the finish line in no time. Forgetting all about the rubbing and grinding I’d done in the years before, I continued down the path of least resistance. Why go the roundabout way when you can get there in a minute, right?
It took me two decades to discover the benefits and joys of occasionally and purposefully wandering down alternative paths.
From masturbation to partnered sex
When I started having sex with my boyfriend in my late teens, my tried and true method remained my only way to climax. When he used his hands or mouth, I still had to be on my back to come, and if he tried to open my legs, I’d push back; I needed the tension and any altercation to the log pose would disrupt my build up.
Since I never watched much porn (I always found the lack of storyline disenchanting) and, I knew that most women needed clitoral stimulation to climax, I didn’t think much of it. With fairly inexperienced partners, they neither complained nor attempt to experiment much. Thus, it went on like this.
Sure, I tried all kinds of other things throughout the years: The infamous 69-position never let me focus on my pleasure, and facesitting, which got all the rage, simply didn’t allow me to let go. I also masturbated with toys and vibrators, but still, being on my back with fairly firm, direct stimulation on my clit remained my go-to.
Long story short, for the first decade and a half of my sex life, with the exception of a few oddball experiences, I didn’t manage to orgasm during penetration, even with additional clitoral stimulation.
No sex partner can compete with yourself
Well, this isn’t entirely true. Shared intimacy, touch, closeness, as well as novelty and excitement definitely enhance partnered sex in many aspects. On the other hand, few can compete with yourself when it comes to sheer speed and precision. I can sometimes get myself to orgasm in less than a minute if I want to, which would never be the case with someone else—and neither is it something I strive for either.
The problem with getting so good at reaching orgasm alone is that we can end up struggling to do it with a partner—in many cases, this can be due to the type and intensity of our self-stimuli being almost impossible to replicate with and by someone else.
The death grip syndrome
The term death grip was first coined by infamous sex-columnist Dan Savage in this column from 2003, and refers to when someone with a penis jerks off using a very firm grip and vigorous up and down motion. Dan advises a reader to give up the grip and apply softer methods to reach orgasm in order to be able to appreciate more subtle sensations. Now, death grip syndrome has become an actual term and the site curedeathgrip.com refers to it as a sexual dysfunction which often leads to delayed ejaculation or inability to orgasm at all.
Those of us with vulvas often have our own versions of the death grip, such as my log-pose. I recently talked to several of my female friends about this and many admitted to having theirs: One told me she could only climax on all fours, another exclusively rubs herself on a pillow, and a third can only get there with the Hitachi Magic Wand.
Just like no vagina or anal canal can replicate the death grip, it can be equally difficult (or impossible) for a partner to mimic the ways females bring themselves to climax.
I have good news: Even though some of us have trained ourselves to rely strongly on a single method, the vast majority have the ability to reach orgasm in many different ways. On a neurological level, we may have strengthened the wires of our preferred path from A to B, but this doesn’t mean that the other pathways are not there. They may just need to be awakened and brought back to life again.
How to train your orgasmic abilities
Take a masturbation break | In order to start training your orgasmic pathways, you may want to take a small orgasm pause in order to build up lust and sexual desire. Wait until you’re so turned on you can’t wait any longer, and then wait another day or two…
Swear off your go-to method | When you start masturbating again, decide that for a while—such as a month or two—you will completely let go of your favorite way to reach orgasm in favor of trying new things.
Experiment | Try stroking and rubbing, very slowly, applying oil or lube. Those with penises may try a softer grip and more variation in movement. Give attention to the testicles, the perineum, and the anus as well. If you have a vulva, avoid the clit entirely and see what others sensations you can produce. Stroke, caress and pinch the inner and outer lips, and play with various forms of both vaginal and anal penetration using tools or your hands—whatever makes you feel good.
Give yourself time | Make masturbation a self-care routine instead of a mindless habit. Instead of a five-minute sprint, make this a time to really make love to yourself. You could take a bath, light candles, play some soothing music, and serenade yourself to bed—treat yourself like your own best lover.
Masturbate aimlessly | Focus on the journey, not the destination, and take note of how that changes the way you pleasure yourself. Pay attention to and savor all the subtler sensations. If you’re able to, stop before you come and continue another time.
Practicing mindful masturbation will allow you to build up sensitivity in areas that may have been numb or not responsive, which can enhance both solo and partnered pleasure.
I’ve met so many who struggle with partnered orgasms and who say they can only orgasm in one way or the other—and not that long ago, I was one of them. Through mixing up both my self-love routine and sex, in general, I’ve learned how to have mixed orgasms both via vaginal and anal penetration — and instead of needing to be on my back with straight legs, I can now get there with my legs in any position, standing, kneeling, on all fours…and so on.
It may take time and patience, and it will not make you multi-orgasmic overnight (or ever), but, take it from this former one-trick-pony; training your orgasmic abilities and adding to your range can only make your sex life better.
