Can I Baby?

Before I turn the lights out one more time Tell me who the fuck you wanna be — Drake

I’m not one to play with guys. I know, that sounds like utter bullshit since I’m out there trying to find a Lover. Nonetheless, I don’t play with people’s emotions and I try to be honest. It’s not always easy — I am a people pleaser and hate feeling like I’m letting people down. If I choose to engage in a chat, I like to give my undivided attention. I am a one-man woman, hence the handle I use, “oneloveronly.” That’s all I need. I have a busy life and barely have time to myself, let alone for a gazillion lovers. I don’t know how y’all jump from one person to another, but hey, more power to ya!

Anyway, for that reason, I usually deactivate my AM account when I’m getting to know someone. And as I was engaged, I did. But this new writing venture of mine needs constant fresh material and AM is a good source of inspiration, so I reactivated briefly to see what was going on.

And there he was. MM. All up in my DMs.

What got my immediate attention was his bold confident tone. “I like your clarity. Check out my profile. I’m a professional also. My time is one of my greatest assets. Like you, I prefer win/win outcomes.”

Now, I know this may not seem like much from where you’re sitting. You’d have to see my profile to understand context, but trust me when I say that right there, right then, MM gave me everything I needed to know and asked for, in under 25 words. I have no time to waste and he knew it. Masterful.

I replied. “I like your assertiveness.”

What followed has been nothing short of surreal, things with mind-blowing similarities, coincidences, that make me think I’m in the Twilight Zone. Everything I’ve been secretly craving, every crazy sexual scenario I’ve ever fantasized about, this guy gets. More than that, he anticipates. It’s like he’s in my head and knows me better than I know myself.

See, for a long time, I’ve been wanting a different kind of Lover, someone I can really abandon myself to, someone who can take control from me, make me his bitch. I keep telling my husband I want to be taken selfishly, forcefully even. I need to feel desired, I need my giver and taker to merely glance in my direction and be overtaken by the irresistible urge to fuck that pussy “RIGHT NOW”, then take it! I need someone to go beast mode on me, but he just doesn’t get it.

In my daily life, I control everything. I am the manager of the family, and at work, I’m the higher up with both businesses. The Karens of this world? It’s me they talk to. The buck starts and ends with me. I am always deciding. Every. Single. Little. Detail. It’s fucking exhausting.

So when he alluded to “training me”, and started dropping subtle hints with soft tasteful dominant/submissive visuals, pictures of Bondage and Discipline, then clips of a white woman tied up to a pole in heels, being fucked from behind, roughly, by a big black cock, I instantly got uber turned on. I want his visceral carnal rage unleashed on me.

And although, he sent me a few picture of what he looks like, he has not sent a dick pic. Total gentleman. In Control.

HOWEVER

I am also very conflicted. For most of my life, my sexuality has been pretty vanilla. And even though being someone’s ultimate possession, his pleasure toy, has always been a deep rooted fantasy of mine, I know that if I cross that line, there is no coming back. I can feel it. It excites and terrifies me at the same time. And I can feel that if I go there with MM, I’m in for the ride of my life. He will own my soul.

There is a huge difference between living a sexual fantasy in your head and actually moving to do it in person. I’ve played with S&M in the past, you might have read how I met husband number 1, and I’ve been a Dominatrix, but it wasn’t real. It was an act.

This. Is. Real.

Being submissive is a way of life and my sexuality is on the verge of changing forever.

And it terrifies me because traditional social constructs are so deeply ingrained in me that I am unsure I can truly embrace this type of carnality. I have always been selfish. I don’t like sharing and I know my owner has many lovers. How could he not? He’s a goddam Black God of Sex and Lust. I would be but one other toy. Part of me wonders if I would be strong enough to kill my ego for his pleasure. I’m not afraid of physical pain, but the bending of my soul is what makes my blood run cold.

Am I even capable of this type of submission?

Can I? Will I?

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