The Rookie Mistake That Almost Blew Up My Affair

Assuming makes an ass out of you and me…Especially in adultery

There it was, staring me in the face — Hotelsbyday.com.

My husband was towering over my shoulder and analyzing the charges on my credit card statement, opened on my monitor.

“What’s this charge?”

“That’s for my PI course,” I replied.

“And this one?”

“That’s your masks for work.”

“And that one?”

“That’s our son’s University Applications.”

I was scrolling down the list rather fast, hoping he would not ask me to go back up. I was sweating bullets.

“Are you ok?” he asked me with a concerned look in his face.

“Yes, I’m fine,” I was hyperventilating, “ I just don’t appreciate all the scrutiny.”

I was on the defensive. That’s never good. I’m the one handling finances in our marriage and seldom does he check anything. But today, he wanted to see where we were at. I should have anticipated this. I should have foreseen the possibility. I was extremely mad at myself.

Why Did I Assume?

I don’t know why I had assumed that Hotels By Day would be billed under a discrete name, but I did. How can a business that makes money out of renting rooms for a few hours to cheaters not take precautions! How is this a good business model??? I was incredulous. I assumed they would hide my secret, and it almost came back to bite me in the ass.

I had used the services three times. Once in November, once in December, and once in January. We were fine-tooth combing January. Thank God we use the credit card a lot to collect points. I was crossing my fingers that things would go incognito.

But in my head, I pictured an argument arising after him seeing the charge, imagined my kids crying at the thought of mom and dad getting a divorce, I saw my entire family dynamic destroyed and our relationship on the fritz. All because I wanted more. I felt guilty, not because I had gone and taken much-needed attention from a man, but because it was discovered and that discovery hurt people. And that pain is what I felt guilty for. For my kids, mostly.

Back to Reality

As I calmed down, he eventually let go of the bone he was picking and went back to doing whatever it was he was doing. No argument arose. I closed my credit card statement and took a deep breath. Nobody was discovered. Nothing happened. But it was too close for comfort.

I have come to the realization that there is no talking about feelings to my husband. Trying this only leads to bigger frustrations for me and for him. Feelings make him extremely uncomfortable and in turn, he denies me the right to feel how I feel, whether it is neglected, overlooked, or undesired. He doesn’t acknowledge those feelings, even less being a cause for these feelings, which only increases my desire to seek outside my marriage for validation.

As I have touched on before, it is a matter of survival for me to find a lover at this point. But this incident made me realize how important it is for me to do everything in my power to keep my secret a secret.

Is it morally right? Many would say no. I think it is. I think it is the only way. And really, all that matter is what I think on the topic. But nobody can know. Ever. My cheating is my burden alone to carry. I will live and die with my secret. And Hotels by Day certainly will not be the end of me.

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