Can Happiness Blossom In Our Hearts When These Traits Exist In Our Heads?

Let’s Take a Deep Dive and Find Out

A thin, frail-looking, well-dressed woman with sunken eyes; and a pale face tucked into one side of her neck appeared out of nowhere.

The young, petite lady, paced back and forth, in small and frail steps of a newborn pony; while staring up and down the road as if waiting for a taxi.

With both arms hugging her shivering body. One hand gripped onto a mobile phone, while the other crunched what looked like a £10.00 note.

As I sat there wondering where she had sprung from. My mind drifted back a couple of years to when a young lady stopped me on the street asking for £1.00.

I was so quick to give it to her. She asked me for another one to buy a meal from a shop down the road. So I asked for the £1.00 back and walked down the road to buy her a meal.

After I gave her the food, she asked for the £1.00 again. My initial thought was, ‘how cheeky and ungrateful’. But nonetheless I handed her the £1.00 coin and said goodbye.

During the whole exchange of money and food. I was mindful not to touch her. Which I’m sure she detected as I strategically dropped the coins into her hand.

• As if I was exempt from the same conditions that bought her to beg on the streets.
• As if I too wasn’t soiled through identifying with what I’m not.
• Thus, begging at the windscreen of life for what I already have.

Yet, within seconds of her approaching me I’d made a judgement. So although I bought her a meal, did I really help? For is it not the same wrath of judgment that marginalises, demeans, and diminishes human fibre?

While walking away reprimanding myself for this inhumane behavior. A part of me hoped I would see her again to rectify the error of my ways. But no, as an acutely shy boy, and adult-child, I’m often tripped up by this spontaneous thing.

Three Fingers Pointed Right Back At Me.

As a business and homeowner, husband, and father. I considered myself successful and happy. Yet, when it all came tumbling down, it was everyone’s fault except my own; the credit crunch, my wife, and my parents were to blame. Nothing to do with me. I was a victim.

Furthermore, as an avid cult member, I held the powers that be responsible for my struggles; and labeled the things I wasn’t doing, unnecessary, bad and worthless; to render the things I do, necessary, good and worthy.

When I stopped blaming my wife for our turbulent marriage and inevitable breakup. The blame shifted to my deceased parents for their rigid and inadequate parenting.

Disregarding their conditioning and the love they endowed on me; I made them responsible for my truancy, drug addictions, criminal career, custodial sentences, emotional constipation and marital breakdown.

Yet, while my index finger pointed at everyone else. Three fingers pointed right back here. After months of singing this pitiful song to anyone who’d listen. A fresh lease of life descended upon my shoulders and chased the monkey off my back.

Diving deep into the field of psychology I came across the Karpman Drama Triangle. A formula discussing the three major roles human beings occupy: victim, rescuer, and persecutor.

Yet, it shows them all to fall under the state of victimhood. As all three roles apportion blame for the hand-of-cards life graciously deals to us.

It goes on to instruct on the route out of victimhood: accepting full responsibility for everything life sends our way. A tall order, but somehow it made sense to accept responsibility for just being here on earth.

Accepting my childhood challenges, and marital problems, as neither good nor bad — right nor wrong; involved sweat, blood and plenty of tears. But also generated a blazing obsession with neutrality.

Acceptance, The Great Neutraliser.

It’s a great thing to forgive someone for a ‘wrong’ they did to you. Yet, it’s an even greater thing to no longer see it as wrong; and allow it back home to the neutral realm of all persons, places and things.

The movie mogul, Tyler Perry, tells the story of how his entrepreneurship began to blossom when he stopped judging his father for the adversity endured as a child. Tyler wrote,

“For me, my turn around came when I forgave my father for everything he did and realised that everything that had happened had bought me to this position where I am now.”

Likewise, when Dr. Wayne Dyer stopped judging his father for being absent. His career also took off nicely. Wayne wrote,

“For my father, Melvin Lyle Dyer. Even though I’ve never known you, after thoroughly digesting The Tao, I finally get it! It is–and always was–all perfect. I Love You.”

Undiluted Life Emanates From The Neutral Realm.

So why does acceptance induce so much value in the apparently valueless?

The opposite of acceptance is to expect something, or someone, to be the way you want it, or them, to be. Which not only places a burden on them, it also puts up a resistance to the flow of life throbbing throughout your very being.

Mo Gawdat, the author of — Solve For Happy: Engineer Your Path To Joy — promotes the importance of acceptance over expectation. Furthermore, a study on — The Secret To Happiness — by Tamir Maya — found acceptance of both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ emotions to be the secret formula for happiness.

A simple truth, but not so easy to implement.

As a society, we’re so lob-sided in our approach to life. Instead of accepting everything life sends our way; we lean to one side and create a fictitious position of either ‘good’ or ‘bad’ — ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’

Man-made concepts of success and failure play a pivotal role here. Even happiness and unhappiness can be misleading terms. As they’re usually based on external stimuli, such as the acquisition of wealth, a romantic partner or vocation.

The idea we need people, places or things, to be happy undermines the life we are by nature. Life is neutral or equanimous. Meaning well-balanced or level minded. It’s a non-judgmental state that does not label or dilute life. Can there be anything more joyous than undiluted life?

Yet, we forfeit this mental balance by casting judgment upon the people, places and things, life sends our way. Breakthrough coach, Doron-Yitchack Gibor, calls this,

“a victim mentality — “the greatest illusion known to mankind.”

Hence, the infamous warning — “judge not unless you be judged,” appears contradictory on the surface, but it’s not. It means the act of judgement places the perpetrator in contempt of life.

A crime punishable by time served behind the fierce bars of tension. Don’t believe me. The next time you feel tense, check to see — who or what you’re judging. Or, when you realise you’re in a judgemental mode, check to see how tense you are.

You’ll find judgment erects the walls of self-imprisonment, and acceptance relaxes those walls of tension to free you. Therefore, casting judgement brings down the wrath of judgment upon ourselves.

A painful, yet also rewarding reality I must attest to.

For when the penny dropped, and I realised the blame I apportioned to my ex-wife: was a mere reflection of my own stuff. A towel load of toxicity rushed from my tear ducts.

A bath towel I may add.

For akin to the drunk man who fell over, and cut up his face; staggered home to analyse the injuries in the mirror, but stuck the plasters on the mirror, instead of his face. I too, blamed my ex-wife for reflecting my own human frailties.

We Maybe On Different Wards But We’re All In The Same Hospital.

One day a friend of mine drew my attention to a group of red-faced, scruffy-looking men, staggering down the road drinking bottles of cider. In a condescending tone, he inquired, “how could they live like that?

My reply surprised us both. We may be on different wards, I said — but we’re in the same hospital bro. Their illness just happens to manifest in that way. Our illness manifests through smoking cannabis, chasing money, knowledge, and, or promiscuity.

Yet, none of us is any better or worst than the person whose dependent on caffeine, nicotine, retail therapy, work, career, fast cars, music, cocaine, heroin, or any other compulsion.

The plot thickens when society itself is founded upon hypocrisy.

For example, while at a train station purchasing my ticket. I looked over to see two police officers peeping their heads around a corner to spy on an apparently homeless man. Who peacefully sat to one side of the doorway politely asking passers-by for any change.

Astonished, I drew closer to witness the event unfold. The fella, clearly agitated by the interrogation, gave his name as requested, but offered no other cooperation; and then grudgingly obeyed their instruction to move on.

My discussion with the policewoman went along the line of: society seems to be more concerned with catching people out (judging) than helping them out. Her defence relied on the fella’s uncooperative stance. Which she claimed prevented police from referring him to other services for help.

Although I expressed genuine appreciation of her restraints: a conditional approach to helping the needy, highlights the gap between modern society and a non-judgemental, agenda-less approach. Or between modern society and humanity.

Among the billions of trees, never has one, laid a condition upon us, before offering shade, oxygen, and, or fruits.

Judgement Marginalises Demeans and Diminishes.

The records are laced with cases of wrongful convictions, costing people decades or theri whole lives in prison. Two such cases come to mind: Raphael Rowe in the UK and Anthony Ray Hinton in the USA.

In the book, What We Fear Most, Dr. Ben Cave shares a profound story of prejudice. Which I confess, also exposed my lob-sided-ness, because I expected better from a psychiatrist.

The case which still troubled Dr. Cave at the time of his writing in 2022. Involves a man who’d been remanded in custody for raping a minor.

Despite being an un-convicted remand prisoner, everyone, including his wife who had left him; his children who ignored him, and his employer, who had fired him, saw him as guilty.

The man, who we’ll call Pete, refused to be placed on the protection wing. As a result, got beaten up and urinated on by a group of men. He then stumbled back to his cell and tried to kill himself by hanging.

Prison officers saved his life by cutting him loose, and asked Dr. Cave to see him. Dr. Cave explains that he treated him professionally but made no investment in him as a person. Instead he viewed the desperate man as just another sex offender pleading innocence.

Pete was later found not guilty by the courts and about a year later DNA evidence proved who really committed the crime.

The whole event taught Dr. Cave that psychiatry is not just a science it’s also an art; and going forward he would ensure to invest in people no matter what they had done.

Science means to know and art means to put things together. Stephen King regards art as life support for our human journey. He writes,

“Life isn’t a support system for Art. It’s the other way around.”

In other words, inhalation without exhalation equals death; and science without art equals mental stagnation. The futile attempt to separate these inseparable polar twins is called judgement.

Judgement is the source of mental death.

While Tyler Perry’s efforts were driven by fear, they came to nothing. Until he accepted the polar twin of fear — courage.

While Dr. Wayne Dyer’s driving force was hatred, he remained tense and confused. Until he accepted the polar twin of hate — love.

Wholistic Wellness Relies On Our Acceptance of the Whole.

The thin, frail-looking lady, who appeared out of nowhere. Needed medicine and needed it fast.

Seeing her entire being riddled with pain was troubling. Thus, my heart went out to her in the same way it would to any other sick perso in desperate need of medication.

Her body struggled with the shivering January conditions. So after making a desperate call on the phone, she wobbled back into a house behind me.

From where a man I assumed was her partner, walked out with the money in his hand; to take over watch for the dealer who arrived a few minutes later. After a rapid transaction he rushed back into the house to self-medicate.

I sat there thinking about the next hour or two when the meager money she had in her hand was spent. How would she, they — cope?

If she ask me for money would I give it to her knowing what she’d buy with it? Do I have enough space to accommodate the whole? Spontaneously? Or would I judge her by her illness?

These questions dived deep inside and resurfaced without answers. Maybe now that I’ve written them down the moment of truth will arise. For like Dr. Cave, we’re all tested in different ways.

I thought about the opinions her neighbors have of her. I thought about society’s outlook on people who need a stronger dose of medicine than the commonly accepted caffeine, nicotine and alcohol.

An opinion that views illicit drug dependency as a self-inflicted illness the sufferer embraces by choice. A narrow view echoing the same — he-art-less approach, Dr. Cave shared.

For when I was strung out on drugs I recall being jealous of sober strangers; and prepared to do almost anything to feel like them in that moment. As the painful truth is: no one really wants to be strung out on drugs.

Then came the heavy thoughts of my former co-defendant who died of a drug overdose in 2008.

I thought about his last words to me a few months earlier; and a thousand possibilities followed by one question flashed through my mind: would a non-judgemental approach help society address these challenges better?

For if Tamir Maya’s findings, on — ‘The Secret To Happiness’ — and Dr. Dyer’s book — Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Mind: Living The Wisdom of the Tao — are accurate; the more we learn to accept life — as it is — on life’s terms; is the more we nourish human fibre, and the happier we can be.

From this heart-space, the illness of a person dependent on drugs, may not appear less important than any other illness. The poor may not appear different to the rich; and the uneducated may not appear different to the educated.

For although hospitals, GP and therapy offices, differ in location and ‘class’. The same challenges and illnesses run through them all.

So, may I ask, can happiness (inner joy) blossom in our hearts, while biases and judgments exist in our heads?

For in the words of the late Dr. Wayne Dyer,

“There’s no way to happiness. Happiness is the way”

Kensu Fetsani.

Thank you for reading.

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