Can a Demisexual Have Lots of Casual Sex?

The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive

The more I read about demisexuality, the more I found myself identifying with it. But still, something didn’t add up.

I don’t feel any sexual attraction to people unless I feel some kind of emotional connection with them. That checks off the demisexual box.

The really tricky thing to explain, though, is all the casual sex I’ve had.

I could say I’ve had sexual partners in the low double digits, but “partners” is a really strong term. Some were boyfriends or friends with benefits, but half of them were more like people I happened to fuck.

They were one-night stands or super casual hookups, which doesn’t sound very demisexual.

I figured maybe being demisexual was sort of like my aesthetic appreciation of cocks — something that developed over the years.

All the casual sex I had took place over a decade ago. Since then, I’ve only had sex with my husband (unless you count one possible exception). So maybe I just became demisexual over the years.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize that demisexuality is a lot more like being pansexual. It’s something I only labeled recently, but that’s been a part of me for as long as I can remember.

Because the more I think about my past, the more I realize there’s no reason a demisexual can’t have plenty of casual sex.

Why I Had Sex

Most of the casual sex I had was premeditated.

Sometimes, before going to a party, I’d decide ahead of time that I’d fuck someone there. I didn’t have anyone in mind — the plan was just to meet someone and have sex with them.

If someone took an interest in me and I found him reasonably good looking, then it was a done deal. I’d let them hit on me while I got drunk, and eventually we’d find a place to screw.

It didn’t matter that I wasn’t sleeping with someone who was special to me because it was about filling a physical need.

Sometimes, I did it because I craved physical touch and affection. I wanted someone’s lips on mine. I wanted someone’s hands on my body. I wanted the kind of physical closeness I only got from having sex.

Other times, it was because I was seventeen and distractingly horny.

I was also pretty naive, so I held out hope that having casual sex would help me find a good guy to form a relationship with. Unfortunately, I ended up kissing a lot of frogs who turned out to just be frogs.

But the one thing that didn’t motivate any of those sexual encounters was sexual attraction.

Getting Sexual Without Attraction

It took me a while to realize there was no sexual attraction during those hookups (at least on my end).

We’re kind of loose when we talk about sexual attraction.

It often gets mixed up with the idea of someone being good looking. We don’t often differentiate it from romantic attraction. And when a person wants or decides to have sex with someone, we tend to assume that’s because they were sexually attracted to them.

And maybe it makes a certain kind of sense that we would be loose with all those concepts. For people who aren’t demisexual (or asexual), they’re probably all closely connected.

That’s the language I’ve been exposed to. So, when I was choosing to have sex with people, I assumed that meant there was at least some degree of sexual attraction.

But I really don’t think there was.

I had sex because I was horny. But none of the guys I hooked up with made me horny.

They rarely turned me on, but it didn’t matter. I had decided to have sex, and as long as they didn’t do something to fuck it up, that’s what I’d do.

They could be good looking. They could be kind of fun to spend a bit of time with. But I didn’t feel any attraction to them.

In fact, I wouldn’t feel that kind of attraction for anyone unless I had formed some kind of emotional bond with them first.

Relationships Without Attraction

I had casual sex without sexual attraction, and I also had relationship sex without it.

At that time, I didn’t have a sense of self-worth, and I didn’t have much self-esteem. I was raised by a narcissistic father who made a hobby out of demeaning me. That kind of thing sticks, and I internalized it.

When I was old enough to start dating, I didn’t go into it thinking that I would find someone appealing to me and see if they liked me too. I didn’t really think I was good enough for that.

Instead, I responded to people who took an interest in me. I didn’t think I should turn down any guy who showed any interest in me. I felt like that was good enough — it was more than I deserved.

So, dating some guys was a lot more like going through the motions of a relationship. I was doing relationshipy things but I wasn’t feeling the kinds of feelings that go with them.

There was no emotional connection and no sexual attraction. But there was sex, because sex was one of those things you did in a relationship.

I couldn’t fathom why anyone would be interested in me. So, I also had sex as a way of keeping them interested.

As bad as those relationships might sound, I didn’t even realize there was something missing from them. I didn’t really know any better. I kind of just thought that’s what relationships were. That’s what sex was. And whatever liking I felt for these guys, that was sexual attraction.

Discovering Passion and Attraction

Eventually, I met someone I really fell for. He was all sorts of wrong for me, but I looked past that because he was someone I had bonded with.

Before we started dating and before he started treating me terribly, we had gotten to know each other as co-workers.

We got close, and I felt something I rarely felt in other situations: genuine sexual attraction.

Because there was an emotional connection, I was open to him sexually. I didn’t just want to have sex with him because I happened to be horny — being with him made me horny.

And that made a huge difference. Sex with him wasn’t always great, but I felt passion and that made it a lot better than the sex I had before.

I had lots of sex with quite a few people before I met him, but this was my first real glimpse into what sex was like when it was based on sexual attraction.

It wasn’t the end of casual, attraction-free sex (that would come with meeting my husband), but it was a real eye opener. It made me realize that something had been missing from my relationships and sexual encounters, even if I didn’t really know what it was.

Demisexuals Can Have Meaningless Sex, Too

Demisexuals fuck. That’s kind of part of the concept — demisexuals aren’t asexual.

But demisexuals can fuck for reasons other than sexual attraction, including plenty of reasons I didn’t touch on.

The casual sex I had didn’t make me less of a demisexual. It just meant that it wasn’t motivated by sexual attraction.

Because being a demisexual doesn’t mean you need to feel sexual attraction to have sex. It just means that sexual attraction is harder to come by — or doesn’t come by the same way as it does for most people.

Sex without sexual attraction wasn’t good sex (at least, it wasn’t for me), so I’m glad to be done with it. It’s just not worth my time, and I can’t help but wonder if I would have bothered with a lot of it if I had a vibrator to take care of my needs with.

Sexual attraction doesn’t just make me want sex — it makes the sex better. There’s a feeling of passion. There’s that intense desire that makes it so you can’t keep your hands off each other. It feels like the person you’re with is giving you a rush of hormones.

All of that was missing any time I had sex with someone I didn’t have an emotional connection with.

I could still have plenty of casual sex if I wanted to. It’s not at all incompatible with being a demisexual. But without any sexual attraction, it’s just not worth it.

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