Calling Out the Patriarchy Is Not an Attack on Men

Defensiveness isn’t helping — we need your strength, instead

“I trust you as a safe person — someone who doesn’t judge. But every time you go off on the patriarchy, I feel attacked, as a man.”

This is a paraphrased amalgamation of comments that I receive from men every now and then.

I never really know what to say about this. Surely people must know that calling out the patriarchy is not an attack on men, right? Surely if they have read anything I’ve written they know that I’m not here to attack men, right?

Part of me wonders if we need to keep having this conversation. Is it helpful to keep talking about what the patriarchy is and how it damages everyone (not just women)? Do we need to keep refocusing on this so that our intentions are clear?

But part of me wonders if this is a waste of time. If this were about race, after all, this defensiveness would be called out as white fragility. And yes, the term “male fragility” is having its moment, too, and with good reason.

I’m gonna lean into good faith with this one, though. It can’t hurt to have the conversation again.

So if you feel attacked when people call out the patriarchy…

It’s not about you — and it IS about you

While it’s true that there are men in this world who proudly embody the archetype of the patriarchy (a certain pussy-grabber comes to mind), the patriarchy is not a man. The patriarchy is not all men.

In other words — if you identify as a man, that doesn’t mean you are the patriarchy.

The patriarchy is a system built to oppress certain people and empower others. It was put into place a very long time ago. You didn’t do it. You didn’t create it. It’s not your fault that it’s here.

But no matter who you are, no matter what gender you identify with, you are part of the patriarchy. Because we — you, me, her, him, them — were born into it. We were raised with its rules and expectations. The roots of it reach down deep within us, no matter how woke we are.

Mischa Haider brilliantly described it in her article The Next Step in #MeToo Is for Men to Reckon With Their Male Fragility:

Unfortunately, as has happened with issues of race, the patriarchal forces in our society have largely reacted with defensiveness. The parallels to structural oppression on the basis of race are apparent when analyzing the central arguments Robin DiAngelo makes in her book White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism. The complicity of all white people in racial oppression stems from the systemic nature of white supremacy, in that it is collective and engineered into social machinery; this counters the long-held misconception that racism operates only at the individual level, in a conscious and intentional manner. This is the same framework we must apply to the gendered hierarchy — it is not enough for men to simply not abuse women just as it is not enough for white people not to be avowedly racist. All men, even the “good men,” must also recognize the structures that are in place to maintain male hegemony. These structures are still very much intact among progressives, where good men may be enabling the abuse of women even when they are not aware of it.

This isn’t about you or me or men vs. women. It’s about all of us and the fact that we carry the seeds of this oppressive system within us. Each one of us is responsible for tirelessly inspecting our “inner gardens” and yanking out those weeds one at a time so that we don’t let them continue to spread.

Defensiveness (fragility) is a distraction

Those of us with privilege have a responsibility to recognize and acknowledge that privilege. Those of us who are white, for instance, must acknowledge and examine our privilege. Those who are male must do the same.

The whole “I didn’t do it” thing is bullshit. We all did it. Even feminists can edify the patriarchy — it has happened and it will happen again.

We are in this together and it’s our responsibility to one another to stop being defensive about our privilege, own that it blinds and deafens us to the experiences of marginalized populations, and then be quiet so we can listen to those people and start making changes in our lives that empower them.

And yes, that means we’re gonna have to be willing to take a hit now and then. We have to be brave enough to let other people call us on our shit. We have to see this for what it is: a gift. These are lessons we need to learn.

Again, in the brilliant words of Ms. Haider:

Patriarchy is fueled by “male fragility” in similar ways that white supremacy is maintained by “white fragility.” Men need to be part of the conversation on gender justice, but they must also be willing to investigate their own role in contributing to the oppression of women — even if it is unknowing.

We don’t know what we don’t know. And that is scary.

I cannot escape the fact that I am a white woman who was raised in a society that centers white culture, white people, white experience. I cannot deny that I am blinded by my privilege and therefore, can’t rely on my own experience or understanding of the world to correct this. I have to be willing to drop any defensiveness or fear around this so that I can listen and take the feedback I get — even the stuff that scares me to confront.

I know I will fuck up again and again. And it’s my responsibility to face that with an open mind and undefended heart.

If you identify as male, you have the same responsibility to dig deep within yourself and identify where you are strengthening the patriarchy. You have the responsibility to stop being defensive about it and just accept that this is where we are all at. It’s not a personal failure on your part, but a failure of the culture into which we’ve all been born.

Don’t ask us to tone it down

Defensiveness is often a way (usually unintentional) to dismiss other people’s experience. To silence someone else’s voice.

Women’s stories and experiences matter. And the emotions that we feel as we process our experiences matter. We deserve to be angry. We deserve to be sad.

Defensiveness asks us to simmer down and chill. It demands that we soften our tone and edit our stories. And yes, it insists that we re-center on men and the male perspective and experience.

This is a perfect place for men who support equality to start. Let go of the defensiveness. Let us tell our stories and express our rage. Give us the space we deserve to have. Better yet: protect that space.

We aren’t coming for you. We aren’t blaming you, specifically, or men, in general.

We’re after the patriarchy.

The end goal is to empower everyone

If you identify as male, don’t be fooled into thinking that the patriarchy is only a benefit to you. It certainly does empower you and unfairly favors you, but it also damages you along the way. Any imbalance in power that intentionally marginalizes others will have negative consequences for everyone.

For example, the patriarchy expects you to be hyper masculine. You aren’t allowed to show your feelings. Be tough. No, tougher! No pussies allowed!

This is an incredibly high price to pay just to remain at the top of the food chain. And most of the men I know would trade it in any day for a more equal and balanced society that allows them to be who they truly are without judgment.

The women who want to take down the patriarchy aren’t just doing it for themselves and other women — we’re doing it for all of us.

Men of the world, you are needed right now. The patriarchy isn’t your fault, but we are all complicit in upholding it. You enjoy the highest level of power granted by the system — it would take so little effort to make serious dents in the patriarchy with your help.

That is what we need from you. When you hear a woman call out the patriarchy, don’t bristle and waste time feeling attacked. Pick up your hammer and say, “I heard you call. Where can I aim the next blow?”

Check out this amazing piece by Elle Beau ❇︎ that further explores this subject.

© Yael Wolfe 2020

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