FEMINAL MASTERMINDS
Calling All Middle-Aged Gals
Needed: seasoned old lady to join me in a life of crime
I’ve reached the age of invisibility, the threshold of translucence, the stairway to nowheresville.
My hair is greige, my voice is reedy, and my smile is a facade. I scowl at children and threaten the whippersnappers with my cane.
I’ve reached the age of not giving a hooey. Strong language, I know — but old fogeys, especially ladies, know whereof I speak.
Perhaps you, too, are fed up with your lowly status? Do you look back on your life and wonder: could I have gotten away with high crimes, or even misdemeanors?
Well, you can now.
You Have a New Superpower
Remember when you were asked what you would prefer:
- Reading people’s minds
- Flying
- Being invisible
I always chose flying. Sadly, time and the Patriarchy have gifted me with invisibility instead.
The vocation that comes to mind these days is righteous theft as a cat burglar or drug mule. Whatever animal I choose, I promise I’ll never be the canary that sings.
I could use another middle-aged lady to join me in drug smuggling or whatever crime you find appealing. Who’s with me?
Art or jewel thief? Burglarizing the homes of our billionaire executive overlords? Drugstore cowboy/cowgirl?
All applicants are welcome, but you must be over 54, with too much education, and hair in a perpetual state of transitional gray.
If you currently dye your hair, that’s okay but you’ll need to let it revert to its natural shade of pewter wire before we can begin terrorizing society.
Must bring your own tools, but I will supply the getaway vehicle: a Phantom Gray Toyota Corolla with minor body damage and fading a “Biden 2020” bumper sticker.
The car, like us, is gray and old, and vastly underestimated.
Potential criminal activities abound
Invisibility means we could make a lot of cash as smugglers. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to connect with drug kingpins in Asia or Mexico to get started.
Perhaps you do?
In The Mule, Clint Eastwood — a 93-year-old actor playing an 82-year-old, semi-invisible curmudgeon — made it look easy. He stumbled into a drug courier lifestyle after he was booted out of his flower-growing biz. It didn’t end well for him, but Clint is not a guy who is good at being invisible, even as he approaches the century mark.
Somehow, he managed to get himself arrested by The Feds, which is far superior to being thrown into a Mexican prison, as I’m sure you know because even though you are an old babe, you still watch Netflix.
I’m more inclined to rob billionaires. The corrupt, wealthy men in charge of Big Pharma or Big Oil or Big Health Insurance have been robbing the rest of us for decades.
Despite being invisible, I suspect the security apparatus in the homes of Big CEOs is substantial, so I’d prefer an applicant with experience as, say, a secretary to the CEO of Pfizer.
I know — it’s a stretch. If you had a career with Pfizer, you probably don’t need a side hustle as a cat burglar.
I’m Well Read on Crime
Years ago I read Confessions of a Master Jewel Thief, which made me want to become one. The fundamental lessons were to
- Not get caught
- Keep a straight job so you wouldn’t fall under the suspicion of the Po-Po.
You couldn’t breathe word one to your spouse, either, so if you blab to him or her you’ll have to cut it out.
The other thing Mr. Jewel Thief had going for him is he talked to no one and never had a partner. Early on, one of his partners got him in trouble, and it was a lesson he never forgot.
Trust no one. Except for each other, because we are old ladies and we have a special bond.
Now, Mr. Jewel Thief did a lot of acrobatics, scaling tall buildings to get into Phyllis Diller’s condo. He could do thirty pull-ups with one hand and climb a rope like a spider monkey.
We probably won’t be able to haul our wrinkly asses into a penthouse apartment, but that doesn’t mean we should scrap the jewel thief idea altogether.
We can tell the difference between costume jewelry and the real thing, and maybe get ourselves invited to parties.
We can work our way into beach condos and mansions in broad daylight, like Marie in Breaking Bad.
Fun and Laughs and Debauchery
Every film I’ve ever watched about geezer criminals makes it look like a hoot. Robert Redford played a charming old cad who’d been on the run for sixty years, and the women still swooned for him.
I’m sure there was a heist film with Morgan Freeman, though I can’t recall it, and memory fails but didn’t Jack Nicholson play a jewel thief once?
I’ve noticed a shortage of old lady criminals, so it’s tough to find mentors.
The lady criminals that come to mind are murderers, and that’s a step too far for me. Murder is hard to get away with, for starters, and so bloody. Sure, you can poison your quarry but where’s the profit?
Plus, ever since I left high school teaching, I can’t think of anyone I want dead.
When I think of great women criminals on the silver screen, I envision Jane Fonda and Bette Midler breaking into the home of a Supreme Court Justice, for example, to steal his collection of Great Beers of the World.
I think it’s pretty obvious which SCJ I’m talking about.
My Qualifications
I am still spry, adept at moving through the darkness like a crab, and 100% committed to alternative income sources.
I’m a creative problem-solver and I look fabulous in black.
The dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep act as natural camouflage.
I’ve proven my mettle at working without supervision as a writer here on Medium. I’m willing to work for low pay for months, even years!
I’m over-educated and unhirable, even though I am willing to dye my hair.
My car is essentially a cloaking device and gets 37 mpg, you’re welcome.
I don’t have a straight job as a cover, but I’m working on it.
I am stronger than I look, and can lift a pair of bolt cutters over my head on most days.
I am willing to work nights (obviously) and holidays (duh), so we can burgle when our quarry least expects us.
My Achilles heel is I’m essentially kind and empathetic unless wronged. I also never want to go to prison because I’m adorable and I’ve seen what happens behind bars to the pretty ones.
Leave Your Info in the Comments
Please let me know if you are willing to accompany me on a Thelma and Louise rampage. Our goal is to NOT drive into the Grand Canyon. We will try to meet a boy-toy or even a kind cop, but no swank Thunderbird for us.
We are incognito. We blend, like a single shot of chai into a mocha Frappuccino.
If you are feeling queasy about reinventing yourself as a thief, remember that this is how most of our elected officials have gotten rich. They are privileged white men living in castles and they have good health insurance.
Ladies, let’s activate our superpower and start the steal.
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Jean Campbell recently started her first Substack newsletter to laser focus on getting her book, City of Lies: A Street Hustler’s Omaha Journey published.
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