DICK PROBLEMS

Bruh, That’s a Nice Dick

I joined Quora to prove I was a great story teller but wound up moderating a wall of dicks

In a recent story in MuddyUm I made a statement that got a lot of comments both on Medium and on other social media platforms. My quote was:

If you’re going to be a dick, be a dick. Don’t be a flaccid uncircumcised leaky dick. — Hogan Torah

Even the editors had to comment.

I think readers sensed my statement wasn’t just a random sentence. It’s true. I had a specific dick in mind when I wrote that.

I’ve seen more dick picks than a straight man ever should, and it’s all my fault. I never asked anyone for nudes, but they kept sending them.

Why did all these people on a question and answer site keep sending me self shot nudes? It was a part of my journey to prove I’m a great writer.

Two years ago I started writing on Quora. My message was that the current slut/stud dichotomy needs to die.

Women who have lots of sex are called whores while men who have lots of sex are celebrated. The more consensual sex you have the better, regardless of if you’re a man or a woman. No one should feel guilty for having sex. The amount of sex a woman has doesn’t diminish her value no matter how high the body count.

Spaces are Quora’s version of publications on Medium. I started a space called The Boneyard. The Boneyard started off as a collection of erotic stories. When a Quoran posted racy pictures elsewhere on the site, we would repost them.

Then Jade Eerie came to the site. Jade had a crush on me and posted her nudes to The Boneyard to get my attention.

Her pictures generated over 100k views to The Boneyard. As they should have. She looks incredible naked.

I need to visit Canada soon.

Other women started sending me their nudes. The amateur photos brought more followers to my space. One day an analytics tab appeared for groups. My traffic was INSANE. All of Quora was looking but nobody would cop to it.

The Boneyard put eyes on my work. Thanks to tits and writing but mostly tits, Hogan Torah became a hit across the site.

Then a guy tried to post a dick pic on The Boneyard space. My initial reaction was,

“Ew, a dick. Reject.”

But I paused and realized that if I was promoting sexual equality, I had to allow it even if I personally didn’t want to see it.

If a woman at a party gets naked and jumps in the pool everybody goes “Woo!” and it’s great. If a man at a party gets naked and jumps in the pool he’s a pervert and it kills the party. That’s a perfect example of sexual inequality.

Followers of my space were outraged. I told them to deal with it. The Boneyard was now tits and pussies and dicks too. If you don’t like it, fuck off.

For every four nudes of women there were ninety nine dick pics. I had joined Quora to be a writer, but every morning before I started writing I had to moderate dicks for thirty minutes.

I supported the Boneyardigans posting of nudes to promote body positivity. Also I was trying to teach Horny Quora to be less creepy.

The proper response to nude pictures from a woman is always, “God damn, you’re gorgeous. Stunning. These are so hot I’m typing with one hand while getting my dick out. Thank you so much. What a treasure!”

That’s how you get more nudes. Not, “More bobs and vageen pics with legs open and use hairbrush.” No! Bad nine year old Indian boys!

I taught them to be super supportive and positive about each other’s dicks. I was proud at how they supported each others dick photography and affirmed their fellow Boneyardigans in the comments.

“Nice Dick bro.”

“Cool dick. I got one just like it.”

“That’s a dick all right.”

“I’m not gay, but that’s a great dick. Good for you.”

And those were just the comments I left. As soon as a woman posted, it switched back to show bobs and vagine mode immediately.

Then, suddenly. The worst dick I’ve ever seen.

After seeing as many dicks as I have they don’t faze me anymore. This one was so beat up it took a moment to confirm that it was a penis I was looking at.

It was uncircumcised and looked like the end of a link of sausages because there was a lot of extra foreskin poking out of the business end. It was so white it was almost green, like a bruise that’s a day away from being completely healed.

The dick was in a semi hard only because he was strangling it at the base while it oozed a clear sticky liquid that was either piss or precome. There was a big mole or growth taking up a significant amount of real-estate on the east side. It looked like a petrified sea cucumber.

It was the worst dick I had ever seen. I’m not a doctor but that mole needed to be looked at by a professional. Maybe the guy was sick. But everyone who saw that dick post felt better about the esthetics of their own dicks.

It was the most commented dick in Boneyard history. Some dude started a GoFundMe for drippy guy to go to a doctor to have the mole looked at. It got up to 38 bucks before it was taken down.

I don’t think anyone who saw the post will ever forget that dick.

The Boneyard was getting around 150k hits a day, but because it was adult content I was never paid a dime. The pinnacle of its views was the day I was banned.

Quora says all your work is yours and you can take it down whenever you like. That’s bullshit. Quora got rid of me but kept my intellectual property. What they didn’t understand was that I was the Boneyard. Without me it’s a hollow shell of what it used to be.

But every day I praise Satan that my dick doesn’t look like a diseased cucumber.

Hail Satan.