First Cheetah To Identify As a Man Wins Gold Medal in 100 Meter Dash

Summary

Raawrr Hiss, a trans-species cheetah identifying as a man, wins gold in the 100-meter dash at the Olympics, setting a new world record and sparking discussions on trans-species participation in sports.

Abstract

In a groundbreaking event at the Tokyo Olympics, Raawrr Hiss, a nine-year-old cheetah from Namibia who identifies as a man, has become the first trans-species athlete to win an Olympic gold medal. Competing in the 100-meter dash, Raawrr not only broke the Olympic record but also set a new world record with a time of 3.26 seconds, significantly faster than Usain Bolt's previous record of 9.51 seconds. The cheetah's participation and victory have been met with controversy, as Olympic officials debated the eligibility of non-humans in the games. Despite the debate and a false start by another runner, Raawrr's victory has been celebrated by some as a milestone for inclusivity in sports, with Audrey McMegaman, president of the Interspecies Recognition and Awareness Nexus (IRAN), advocating for the acceptance of species identity beyond genetic markers.

Opinions

An Olympic official, preferring anonymity, expressed disbelief at the cheetah's participation: "There’s nothing in the rules specifically stating a non-human can’t compete, but it’s a fucking cheetah."
The decision to allow Raawrr to compete was influenced by the cheetah's inability to transmit COVID-19 and a general apathy towards the Olympics: "nobody cares about the Olympics anymore so we were like, fuck it."
The shoeless cheetah may have had an advantage due to the moist track, as a shoemaker was mauled to death when attempting to fit Raawrr with cleats.
Raawrr's win has faced backlash from "basement dwelling, closedminded losers" online who are calling foul.
Audrey McMegaman, who identifies as a 1998 Buick Century, supports Raawrr's victory, stating that species identity is a state of mind and not determined by DNA.

Sets new world record and blazes a trail for trans-species athletes across the globe

Image from Racepedia, sorta. CC licence

Tokyo, Japan — A long standing Olympic record in the 100 meter dash wasn’t the only thing shattered today in Tokyo. An eight year old Cheetah has broken the glass celling for species neutral Olympians in sprinting.

Nine year old Raawrr Hiss from Namibia is not only the first trans-species athlete to compete in the games but also the first to win Olympic gold. Olympic officials debated up to the time of the race if a non human was eligible to compete.

“There’s nothing in the rules specifically stating a non-human can’t compete, but it’s a fucking cheetah.” Said an official who asked we not use his name.

“It can’t transmit COVID-19 and nobody cares about the Olympics anymore so we were like, fuck it.”

The track was still moist after the rain the day before, which may have given the shoeless cheetah an advantage. The reason the Cheetah was allowed to run without cleats is because when Raawrr’s sponsor, Asics, attempted to fit the cheetah for shoes the shoemaker was mauled to death.

After a false start by Italian runner Giuseppe Fongool, the runners took their marks again.

Raawrr shattered the world record and the Olympic record in the 100 meter dash. The old record was Usain Bolt’s 9.51 set in 2008. Raawrr ran the 100 meters in an officially verified 3.26. Shattering the old record by over six seconds.

The win doesn’t come without controversy. Right now on the internet, thousands of basement dwelling, closedminded losers are calling fowl.

“It’s not about what you look like on the outside or your genetic markers, but how you feel. Species is a state of mind and shouldn’t be determined by your DNA.” Said Audrey McMegaman, president of the Interspecies Recognition and Awareness Nexus or IRAN. Who identifies as a 1998 Buick Century.

“RAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRR!” Said Raawrr Hiss after winning the race. “ROAAARRRRR! SNARL! HISS!”

“RAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRR!!!”

Reporting from Hollywood for MuddyUm, I’m Hogan Torah

PREFERED PRONOUN RAWR/ROAR

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