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Breaking News: Telephone Stalkers Terrorise Medium HQ

Police puzzled by squeaking sounds

Wednesday, 30 January 2023, San Francisco. According to a spokesperson, Medium was harassed by creepy voicemails left on the company phones. A police source confirmed the messages consisted mainly of squeaking noises and artificial voices repeating random messages.

‘Buttercup is ready to be picked up from the post station. Buttercup likes strawberries,’ one message announced to a puzzled Medium staffer. “At first, I thought the lifelong dream of my own pony would come true,” the disappointed staffer said, “But then, I was just freaked out.”

In another message, an artificial voice demanded a broccoli pizza for Smillew Rahcuef, the developer of the only trustworthy cryptocurrency Smillewcoins. According to Medium’s janitor, who happened to listen to voicemails on company phones secretly, the message was repeated several times. It was interrupted by squeaking noises that reminded him of laughter.

Thanks to tireless efforts by the local police, the calls could be traced to a newly rediscovered section of Medium’s basement. The room in question had recently been redesigned to lure a group of genetically modified guinea pigs into a trap. The Guin Z, not to be mixed up with the less tech-savvy Guin X or Y, are responsible for recent glitches on Medium.

The police found a letter written with letters cut from newspapers and magazines in the basement, reading, “Happy National Inane Answering Message Day. The revolution cannot be stopped. The Guin Z rulez.” Tiny rodent paw prints covering the letter and a nearby telephone and fax combo leaking toner reinforce the suspected involvement of the Guin Z.

Next follows a special report by Bradan Writes Stories.

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