THE KRAKEN NEWS | BREAKING NEWS | SATIRE
Breaking News: Mailman Kipnapped by Lonely Grandma
Victim had haematoma from cheek pinching
Saturday, 4 February 2023, Prague. In the evening today, a police unit broke into a small townhouse in Prague to rescue mailman Svatoslav K. (24). The officers at the scene also arrested Beáta S. (74). The older woman allegedly abducted K. and held him captive. The mailman was finally freed after his superior at the post office informed the police, who traced his smartwatch’s GPS signal.
Despite the traumatising experience, K. agreed to give a brief statement to The Kraken News. “It was horrible! At first, the old lady was very sweet and offered me Tuzemák [a local alcoholic beverage] to thank me for reliably delivering the mail every day. I wanted to be friendly and agreed to have one drink. The next thing I remember, I am bound to a chair at her dining table.”
In the following hours, S. repeatedly forced K. to consume alcohol and traditional Czech food while pinching his cheeks. When the police arrived to free K, the mailman had already finished two portions of česnečka garlic soup, one plate of moravský vrabec (Moravian sparrow), several pieces of roasted pork, about six schnitzels, 23 dumplings, enough sauerkraut to feed an army unit after marching 50 kilometres, and several glasses of beer and Tuzemák. K.’s cheeks were covered with haematoma.
The Kraken News questioned S. at the scene before she was taken into custody. “He was always such a charming young man. He reminded me of my grandson, who never visits. Then, I read about the Thank-Your-Mailman-Day and wanted to do something nice for him. It turned out he wasn’t such a good boy after all. He never finished his dessert plate!”
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