THE KRAKEN NEWS | SATIRE | BREAKING NEWS
Breaking News: Lazy Start into 2023 Prevents Illuminati World Takeover
Experts say Mountain Dew supply shortage and train strike might have factored in
Monday, 16 January 2023, London. According to undisclosed sources, a lazy start into 2023 prevented world domination by an obscure group called the Medium Illuminati. Experts say the group, founded in 2022, was hatching plans to take over the world on New Year’s Day.
“As writers, these people are prone to procrastination, especially at the beginning of a new year,” explained Professor Wisenheimer, who, for some reason, repeatedly emphasised he was wearing clever boots matching his smarty-pants.
According to Wisenheimer, another reason was dystopian developments like a shortage in Mountain Dew supplies. Speaking anonymously, the Illuminati’s logistics chief, Bradan Writes Stories, blamed the aggressive marketing campaign of the Canadian knockoff beverage Mountie Dew for bringing the Illuminati’s logistics network to its knees.
The Illuminati’s Goblin Army General (GAG), JF Danskin, who will not be named to protect him from repercussions, said a train strike also factored into the failed plan for world domination. The GAG refused to elaborate further on the issue because an army of restive goblins was wreaking havoc on his luxurious private train, which would make North Korean leaders green with envy.
It remains to be seen if the Medium Illuminati will make another attempt in 2024 or if they will be deterred by writing prompts.
In other news:
Death Retires by Choose Your Own News Topic correspondent JF Danskin
Man Faces True Self in Mirror by in-house profiler John Fanidis
About The Kraken News — Writing Prompt by Bradan Writes Stories:
💯 Story Challenge — News Edition (4/100)
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