Brad’s Own Private Queer Nation

Portrait of a man, seeking

That day is past You’ve gone away This aching heart of mine is singing Lover, come back to me ¹

Meeting Jim almost saved me.

The family him and Lenny gave me was almost enough to make life sweet again. But in the end? No,we ain’t got to that part yet, and if I hurry, you’ll just leave, and I’ll be stuck here, dyin alone in this bed.

Sneak me another shot a that vodka, huh?

After Luke pulled away from me, I was lost. He was just doing everything he knew to stay alive, but that didn’t make me feel no better. I dint know what to feel first. Sad I couldn’t help him?

Or guilty he was gonna die and I wasn’t?

That night after the pipe bomb, he was already sick. The hospital had been trying to get him his test results for two weeks.

He wasn’t just HIV positive, he had less than 200 T cells. Major AIDS. I forgot he’d gone to see a doctor at the ER about all the sore throats and fevers he kept gettin.

When we got there that night, the bad news was waiting for him. I joined Act Up because I thought it might get Luke back. Instead, it helped me get over him.

This is how it happened.

Even though I was a go-go boy and let guys feel me up and even kiss me, I never had sex with nobody besides Luke. It’s not like he asked me not to, but I could tell he dint want me to, so I dint.

I loved him.

The morning after Jim and me made out by the Meatpacking monkey bars, I had to decide what to do. He dint try to have sex with me, that ain’t what I mean. But I wanted to have sex with him.

I wanted to bad.

After I walked home and peeked in Luke’s room and saw him shiverin under his blankets and brought him hot tea and honey, I still wanted to have sex with Jim.

Bad.

Not because he was hot, which he was. I saw hot guys at Uncle Charlie’s every night. Same deal as Splash, which got popular later. We ain’t talking about a bunch of old men starin at cute cocktail boys in hot pants. Everybody was cute, especially the customers.

I dint want somebody hot. I wanted somebody to hold onto me like they cared. Like Luke used to. Like Jim did when he kissed me.

So I made my bed on the couch and went to sleep feelin like the biggest piece a shit ever … since my dick was hard and I was tryin NOT to jerk off thinkin about somebody who wasn’t Luke.

After I got up, I went to meet Jim and Lenny for lunch at the gay center. Which I dint quite say I would do and mostly meant not to.

But I was lonely, damn it.

Luke was countin pills and makin phone calls to doctors. David was readin a medical book, and Patrick had moved out already. Nobody even looked at me, not even when I tried to talk about what happened at Act Up.

So, fuck it, I grabbed my coat off the rack that me and Luke had built back in the good days.

It was only a ten minute walk to the Center, but when I passed the monkey bars, I stopped and stared. A cold wind was blowing clouds across the sun, hidin that corner in dark shadow. The corner where we’d kissed.

One of them hustler girls walked up snappin her fingers and asking for a light, which I dint have one, so I said sorry and hurried off. I wondered what she was doin out before noon on a cold Tuesday.

The Center cheered me up!

When I walked in, everything was bright and warm. Jim dint say where he’d be, so I checked the big room I knew from Queer Nation. Some old guys had tables set up to play cards or chess or whatever, but I dint see Jim and I dint know what his boyfriend was supposed to look like.

I walked out in the garden, but it was full of old people sittin on benches, talkin, and starin up at the sky like if they stared hard enough they could make the sun come out again.

One old guy, really big and maybe not as old as everybody else, was dancin from bench to bench, singin some old song.

He smiled at me, then grabbed a really old lady off a bench. “Sing with me,” he said … to her, not to me.

She was so wrinkled and skinny I was afraid he was gonna break her, but she seemed like she knew him and she started to dance really good, him spinning her around in slow circles.

“Fish gotta swim,” he sang. “Birds gotta fly!”

I couldn’t help starin. He looked as straight as one of my drunk uncles just back from a shift at the shoe factory in Castleton. But the way he sang? And moved?

Gay as fuck!

The old woman, she giggled. I swear she giggled like a 12 year old girl. Then she sang too!

Tell me he’s lazy Tell me he’s slow Tell me I’m crazy, maybe, I know

And the two of them danced all around them benches and people, under them trees that was growin in pots, kickin their heels up and everything, just singin as loud as they could … and not very good if ya wanna know the truth.

“Brad!”

Somebody yelled my name and I looked over my shoulder to see Jim walkin in huggin a big paper grocery sack to his chest.

That crazy old dancin guy saw him, ran over, and grabbed him!

Jim pushed the sack into my hands. “Hold our lunch!” And that guy spun him around and danced off with him, singin even louder than before.

When he goes away That’s a rainy day But when he comes back that day is fine The sun will shine

He did one of them huge dip things where the the man holds the lady almost all the way to the ground. He picked Jim up again and danced straight back to me.

He can come home as late as can be Home without him ain’t no home to me Can’t help lovin’ that man of mine! ²

Jim laughed his ass off, then he let go, hugged me, and was like, “Brad, this is my boyfriend Lenny. Lenny, this is the guy I was tellin you about from last night.”

I swear my mouth fell open. This was Lenny!?

He dived at me like he was gonna hug me too, or dance with me or some shit, but he musta seen me shrink back, so he stopped and just smiled. “Don’t mind me,” he said. “I ain’t as crazy as I look.”

Jim pushed him and said, “You’re worse!”

But Lenny ignored him and kept lookin at me real close. “I’m glad you could eat with us,” is what he said. Real soft. Holdin my eyes with his. “You like Jewish deli? We got chopped chicken liver, egg salad, hummus if you don’t eat meat. Pickles. Sound good?”

I stared right back.

He had to be 50 years old. Tall with thin blond hair where it wasn’t grey, the lightest blue eyes. Not fat, exactly, but not thin and not buff neither. Hell yeah, he’d a fit right in with the old guys in Castleton.

Until they heard him sing like a girl.

And I swear to god he was wearin one a them button sweaters like Mr. Rogers. Who the fuck does that?

I looked from him to Jim, then back again. And I laughed! I laughed and grinned so big my face wanted to crack.

Pretty soon Jim was passin food around.

The really old woman he called Hilda took a pickle and a little egg salad on crackers. She went, “A girl has to watch her figure,” all smilin through yellow teeth with some missin.

A couple other old guys grabbed bread and made sandwiches. Lenny took some chicken liver, and Jim and I dug in and ate like pigs compared to everybody else.

Lenny went, “Eat, boys! I don’t work Tuesdays, so I always buy deli. About time somebody appreciated it enough not to leave a pound of leftovers.”

We spent the whole afternoon laughin and jokin and even singin, Lenny all nuts over some dead movie star named Jeanette McDonald, Jim shakin his head. ‘Forget her, Nelson Eddy’s the hot one. Aren’t you supposed to be gay, old man?”

Only I could tell he was just teasin.

Lenny danced a little again but when he tried to grab me, I was like, “I only dance for money.” Mostly cuz I was embarrassed. Or maybe I wasn’t sure what to think yet.

That changed.

After lunch we headed over to a quiet corner, and before I even knew what I was doin, I was tellin both of em everthing.

Keith, Mom, Luke, the pipe bombing, AIDS … the whole fucked up, sorry ass mess.

I even told Lenny I was scared and lonely, which I don’t know how he got me to say it … cuz, fuck. Who says shit like that to strangers?

Then the weirdest thing happened. Jim squeezed my hand and kinda brushed his lips against my cheek, all like, “Wanna go for a walk again?”

I guess my eyes got pretty big, cuz Lenny was like, “Go if you want to. I gotta spend more time with my girlfriend Hilda.” He waved at her.

Jim grabbed my hand and pulled me up.

Lenny was like, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, girls!” And he wiggled his eyebrows!

Jim laughed. “Well that leaves pretty much everything open, old man!”

We walked toward the door, slow because the garden was gettin crowded. Jim held my hand as we walked, and I heard Lenny singin.

Every road I walk along I walk along with you No wonder I am lonely The sky is blue The night is cold The moon is new But love is old And while I’m waiting here This heart of mine is singing Lover, come back to me

The story you just read is true.

I’m moved to tell Brad’s story because I am probably the only person left in the universe who knows it. So many stories of people who didn’t survive AIDS are gone forever. I don’t want Brad’s to disappear.

I am the “Jim” in this chapter, and Lenny was my partner before he died.

Next chapter →

← Want to read how this all got started? Click below.

James Finn is a long-time HIV/LGBTQ activist, an alumnus of Act Up NYC, an essayist occasionally published in queer news outlets, and an “agented” novelist. Send questions, comments, and story ideas to [email protected].

¹ Lover Come Back to Me lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc, Concord Music Publishing LLC, Songwriters: Oscar Hammerstein / Ii / Oscar Ii Hammerstein / Sigmund Romberg

² Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Songwriters: Jerome Kern / Oscar Ii Hammerstein