Bitter & Sweet, A Family’s Journey With Cancer
Forwards
I am taken by the way she recounts her journey… laughter amidst sorrow, joy interweaves with sorrow… then when hope ascends, I realize that Thiel’s story is my own. Hans Peterson Masters of Theology and the Arts, Professional singer/songwriter
“Bitter and Sweet” is profound and full of feelings that come and go with a loss, transition, grief, and love. Interspersed with humor and frustration, fun and sadness… all the opposites that happen during this kind of journey. Darcy is excellent at explaining reality, facing it while doing something about it! I felt as if I’m in a circle of friends she has asked to gather around her to listen deeply. She expresses worries that most people think about and feel but don’t express unless they are in therapy! Bonnie Collins, LCSW-R, Family Therapist
I highly recommend “Bitter and Sweet.” It is more than just a book about critical illness, it is a book of love. The amazing love of a couple through sickness and health, the love of family and friends, God’s love, and the love of a community. To witness this is life changing. It will inspire you to love those you care about more completely every day. Janet Carr, Independent Book Proofer
With the exception of Tim Colvin and Darcy Thiel, the names and identifying information of the individuals in this book have been changed to protect their privacy. This book is sold with the understanding that the publisher and author are not engaged in rendering professional services.
If therapeutic, psychological, or any other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought. The author and publisher specifically disclaim any and all liability arising directly or indirectly from the use or application of any information contained in this publication.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: This is a very difficult task for me, as I feel like, in all honesty, there could be another book written just to mention all the people that have supported me and my family over the last few years. My worst fear is that I may forget to mention someone when so many have come to my aid.
First, there are those people and entities that helped me/us get through our trauma and still are here today as the journey never really ends. Those names I have tried to mention in the Introduction.
Then there is the arduous task of writing a book, which I have discovered involves a whole other army of people in order to do it well. First, I’d like to thank Amber Coakley from Birder’s Lounge, and Kristy Weiss for use of their photographs. Thanks to Mark Krawczyk for his beautiful artwork on the cover, as well as his design layout for the book. I knew you could do it!
For all those accounting questions, many thanks to Kevin Gibson and Jan Piper for taking my countless calls with good humor. Thanks to Hans Peterson, for not only writing the poignant words to “Everything is Grace”, but also for graciously allowing us to use the lyrics.
Thanks to the many editors that sacrificed their time and energy: Karen Sharp-Price, Janet Carr, Mark Krawczyk, Colleen McCoy, Teresa Sharp… I’m grateful to each of you!
To Chris, for the last 12 years of counseling, and Shirley for the last two years of spiritual direction, you are the places where I get centered. You are my “steadies,” my sanity. My perspective. Thank you both.
Thanks to all the Hospice folks, especially Dr. Chris Kerr, Sue Herold, and Rose Collins for going out of their way to help make this book a success.
What would I do without my Ya Ya’s? You know who you are. Ever since my mother passed in 2007, I grow more aware every day that it is the women in your life that love you like no other. That is putting it mildly.
For being a prophetess, using all of your spiritual gifts with your usual whole-hearted care and effort, for being the dearest friend ever, and for writing the Foreword for the book, I love you, Linda “B” Babcock.
I want to thank my family, who is my rock and foundation. The older I get, the more I realize how incredibly lucky I was to have grown up and lived my life with the family I’ve been surrounded with. They are here, through thick and thin. Through the beautiful and the ugly. Through the bitter and the sweet.
Without my son Timmy, I’m not sure what would have happened to Dave and me. Thank you for all the things you do every day. You do the cooking, cleaning, mowing, shoveling, child care, and most of all, you are Dave’s best friend and favorite person in the world. Thanks for all those times you cleaned up my messes because I just couldn’t get out of bed or function that day.
And to the rest of my kids and grandkids — you are why I get up every day!
To Sallie Randolph, my publishing lawyer, my deepest thanks. So many endless phone calls, emails, questions and questions and questions. Your expertise was essential.
Karen Sharp-Price. There is no human way to possibly acknowledge what you have meant to me and this project. For months and months, your endurance was greater than mine. You worked longer hours than I and patiently endured all my temper tantrums and attempts to give up. There were many workdays where I was overcome with grief and you just hugged me and never budged.
You are brilliant, dear friend. You are gifted, talented, and intelligent. There is no salary that could pay you your worth. I pray that somehow you will be blessed in the ways that you have blessed me and so many, many others. You’re incredible!
FOREWORD: “Bitter and Sweet” is a remarkable story of a woman and her family as they faced cancer and the subsequent death of a husband, father, and grandfather. It was a privilege to walk the road with Darcy as she valiantly led Tim and his children from the initial terminal diagnosis to Tim’s death in just five short months.
I first met Darcy and Tim when they joined the church and later Darcy and I became colleagues in ministry. We spent many hours together and subsequently forged a strong friendship built on common faith, shared trust, and a large measure of love and laughter. The running joke among the men in our lives was how much time we spent talking on the phone to one another.
As it turned out, this phone connection would play a huge part in the way Darcy and I communicated during that chaotic time in her life. Bitter was the call I received while waiting for my daughter to walk the stage to receive her diploma from the out-of-state university she attended, as Darcy struggled to tell me through gulping sobs that Tim’s routine gallbladder surgery had fast become a nightmare.
The doctor had a high-level suspicion that Tim had stage IV gallbladder cancer and he could not operate. That call was the first of hundreds over the course of the next five months. Some calls prompted immediate visits to the house or Hospice while others were to simply listen to Darcy as she grieved the husband and life that she knew was rapidly disappearing.
Sweet were the late-night calls when Tim and Darcy put the phone on the pillow between the two of them and the three of us would talk into the night trying to chase away the fear and darkness that loomed ahead.
The CaringBridge journal that Tim and Darcy created took on a life of its own as the two of them candidly shared the unknown path ahead of their family. The journal entries became a tangible way for family, friends, and co-workers, both near and far away, to share the family’s suffering and offer prayers and support.
Initially, Tim set his mind on “living strong” which he articulated in early journal entries. Once it became clear that living was not going to be an option, Tim set his mind on “dying strong.” It is often said that dying takes a lot of energy and as a witness to Tim’s death I can say that seems to be a true statement.
Watching someone die takes perhaps even more energy and I witnessed Darcy take on that challenge with focused determination and courage that still leaves me filled with respect and awe.
Family and friends encouraged Darcy and Tim to have a benefit to help cover some of the expenses that would occur after Tim’s untimely death, especially as they were raising an eight-year-old son. The family was overwhelmed by the response for help, donations, and attendance and as the night of the benefit wore on Tim became too tired to stay to the end.
I remember sitting in their living room with Tim as he rested and every now and again he would begin a conversation about something either totally on point or completely off-topic and we would laugh. To this day when I see the movie “Overboard” on the TV menu, I always watch it in tribute to Tim. Through some tears and with a smile on my face I recall our conversation wondering how people can fail to recognize that Kate Hudson is Goldie Hawn’s daughter!
“Bitter and Sweet“ will speak to the hearts of anyone who has suffered the loss of someone they held dear. It will be like a balm to wounded hearts and will resonate with those who despair about never getting beyond their pain and grief. More than anything else though, “Bitter and Sweet” is filled with tangible hope.
It is one family’s story of transformation from who they thought they were to who they subsequently became. Spanning every human emotion that cancer raises, readers may well find themselves crying, yelling, and cheering as the Thiel-Colvin family alternately failed and succeeded along the way.
Darcy writes with the same passion that she poured into caring for Tim during his last days and readers will surely be able to identify with any one of the people chronicled in her story. Bitter was the journey and sweet are the memories and I will forever be grateful and honored to have been one of the characters in this beautifully poignant story.
Linda Babcock Director of Education and Mission, Orchard Park Presbyterian Church
A Review of Bitter and Sweet: A Family’s Journey with Cancer by Yuman Fong, MD Professor of Surgery, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center:
Cancer turns a patient’s world upside down. In one moment, time goes from being counted forward from birth to being counted backward from death. A young 48-year-old patient awaiting the weddings of his children and the birth of grandchildren is suddenly 160 days from death.
This is the frightful experience faced by 1.7 million Americans diagnosed with cancer yearly. Life immediately assumes great urgency and uncertainty. That is why we grasp on to the inspirational stories of other cancer victims.
We cherish the story of Chuck Pagano, the Indianapolis Colts football coach and we cried as we read the inspirational “The Last Lecture” about the courage with which Professor Randy Pausch fought and ultimately lost his fight against pancreatic cancer.
“Bitter and Sweet: A Family’s Journey with Cancer” is another inspirational chronicle of a brave fight against cancer. It is also the love story of Tim Colvin and his wife Darcy Thiel in the midst of crisis. Tim was a 48-year-old husband and father who was struck down by one of the most deadly human cancers, gallbladder cancer.
Most patients with this cancer present at a stage beyond cure and most will die four to six months from the time of diagnosis. I am a cancer surgeon who has treated hundreds of patients with this devastating disease and seen so many suffer the fate of the Thiel-Colvin family.
This book reminds us of the importance of family and community in such a time of crisis. This book reminds us of the suffering also felt by spouses, children, brothers, and sisters. Cancer is a family matter. Cancer is a family crisis.
The “Bitter and Sweet” journey is told through three intersecting narratives. During the 160 days between Tim’s cancer diagnosis and his untimely death, Tim and Darcy communicated with their supportive friends and family through a blog on the CaringBridge website. These postings, along with the responses from their friends and family, are interspersed with a reflective narrative written by Darcy a year later.
It is as if the present Darcy is in dialog with Tim and their friends in a time passed. Tim’s words are like the outlines of his hand left in the cement poured for their pool into which Darcy is now filling with her words. The result is a display of a shared life of love and deeds that transcends time.
Tim and Darcy’s story reminds us that life is not just measured in minutes, but also measured in tasks, deeds, and memories. Our lives are both the landmark anniversaries, as well as the routines of everyday life. Life is the family camping trip, the biscuits and gravy on Father’s Day, and even chores like fixing the pool or mending the fence.
Our sense of mortality comes when we realize we may not finish all that we set out to do. “Bitter and Sweet” documents the generosity of many friends and family who volunteered time to help Tim and Darcy in these difficult times. They provided the minutes to complete tasks in the life of a man with finite time.
This book speaks to those of us caring for those afflicted with cancers. If a patient’s remaining life is measured in weeks and days, it is imperative that we minimize the inefficiencies that rob the patient and his family of this precious time.
The days left should not be spent in the waiting rooms of scanning facilities and treatment areas. The patient should not be spending time speaking to clerks and insurance approval agents but to their loved ones. More time should be spent hugging our children, reading with our spouses, climbing rope courses than with physicians.
This book also speaks to the importance of palliative measures. Many of us will suffer a disease that the doctors cannot cure. It is important at that time to have available all those things that provide relief from suffering: whether it is steroids for appetite, analgesics to alleviate pain, acupuncture for nausea, or massage to allow relief of stress. The traditional medicines, the integrative and alternative techniques, and finally the hospice measures are all important to ease suffering for the patient and his family.
Most importantly, this work affirms that death is not the only certainty. The more comforting certainties are Love, Faith, and the knowledge that “There is much good in this world: much, much, much!!”
Thank you Darcy for sharing your tears, your thoughts, and your experiences so that others may find support and draw comfort during their fight against cancer. I wish you a long, healthy life and happy memories of your time with Tim.
And Tim, I wish you great comfort and peace.
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