Being Polyamorous in Theory Does Not Mean Practicing Polyamory

I’m not exclusive, but I’m also not interested

People make a lot of assumptions about polyamory and polyamorous people.

Lots of people seem to think it’s equivalent to swinging — just a life full of unattached, casual sex alongside or separate from your partner.

I’m sure some polyamorous people are swingers, but plenty aren’t, including me. I’m way too demisexual to consider anything even close to it.

Another assumption that people make is that every polyamorous person either has multiple partners or is actively looking for another partner.

That’s not me, either.

I’m in a committed, long-term relationship and I don’t currently have a secondary or co-primary partner. But I’m also not really interested in having another partner at the moment.

Despite that, I haven’t handed in my polyamory card, and I don’t think anyone in my situation should feel compelled to, either.

I’m Open, but I Don’t Have Room

There are a few reasons why I’m not looking for a second partner.

For one thing, I just don’t feel the urge. I never find myself thinking “I wish I had someone else in my life.”

I can see all the advantages of having a second partner. And some of them are appealing, at least in theory.

There could be more hands around the house.

I wouldn’t be bored as often.

Some of my threesome fantasies might come true (or at least get more vivid).

I could have more sex and different types of sex (especially if my other partner is a different gender than my husband).

There would be boatloads of affection.

All great, awesome reasons. But not compelling enough for me to look for someone else. And not necessarily compelling enough to hop into a new relationship even if the opportunity presented itself.

But the biggest reason I’m not interested in having another relationship is that I just don’t have room in my life for one.

I recently wrote a post where I went over my daily schedule. It included a lot of day-to-day minutiae but one thing it didn’t mention was making time to see friends or family members.

That wasn’t an omission — I don’t actually spend any of my time doing that.

I’m one of the 22% of Millennials who don’t have friends. I do have a few old friends and acquaintances, I suppose, but we don’t actively keep in touch, and I haven’t spoken to any in over a year. When I say my husband is my best friend, I mean it.

And it’s not something I’m looking to change — not anymore.

That’s not because I’m a die-hard loner. It’s because I just don’t have room in my life for anyone else.

As long as I have young children and a ton of self-care needs, I just don’t have time to seriously commit to anyone else — not without cutting into the precious little time I have with my husband or giving up on my hopes of making it as a writer.

And I know a relationship can be kind of casual, but I’m not built for casual.

Sometimes, I envy the people who can keep things loose or chill, but I go all in. I can’t help it.

When I let someone in my life, I want to make sure I meet their needs. I want to make sure they feel cared for, appreciated, and loved.

And I also have my own needs, too. I have an anxious attachment style. I want to check in regularly and spend time together so we can still feel connected.

And my life just doesn’t have room for that, and it won’t for a while.

My Need for Privacy Limits Who I Can Get Interested In

There are also all sorts of privacy concerns that limit my ability to get close to some people or to give them a chance (not that anyone is owed one).

I write under a pen name and I guard it quite fiercely. Emma Austin speaks in my voice, her opinions and attitudes are mine, and all of her stories really did happen to me. But Emma Austin doesn’t have an address. She doesn’t have a phone number. No one knows her kids’ names, where she went to university, or the name of her hometown. All of that is deliberately kept hidden.

It’s hard to keep those two worlds separate, and it takes a lot of work and mental energy.

And even if I could keep them separate, I wouldn’t want that to be the basis of a relationship.

The majority of my interactions with people outside my immediate family are readers of my blog and other writers on Medium. And that’s great, I love hearing from fans and feeling part of a small online community. But it’s not going to lead to romance or a serious relationship.

Some men have reached out to me and expressed interest in getting to know me. It’s flattering, I guess, that they want to have a closer relationship to Emma. But Emma is only part of my life, not the whole of it. They don’t know the real me — the full me. They don’t even know what I look like.

I could show them the real me, but that’s a lot more personal risk than I’m comfortable taking on.

That puts even more practical constraints on my polyamory because it seriously limits my opportunities to meet someone I can fall for or get sexy with. But that’s okay.

Being with One Partner Doesn’t Make You Monogamous

So, I only have one partner and for the foreseeable future, that’s all I want.

That sounds like some monogamous stuff, but it isn’t.

I’m still married to someone who is happy for me to pursue romantic and sexual relationships with others.

We’ve discussed it at length. We laid out our barriers and explored our comfort zones. We know what we’re open to and what we’re not okay with.

And me fucking or dating other people falls into the “okay with it” column.

No matter how you want to label that, it’s definitely not monogamous.

Still, I sometimes worry that discussing polyamory or labeling myself as polyamorous will give the wrong impression.

And it must, because every time I write about polyamory, I get a noticeable increase in private messages, emails, and DMs from men who seem like they want to lay the groundwork for some kind of relationship with me.

But to me, being polyamorous is a bit like being bisexual or pansexual.

Just because I’m only in a relationship with a man, it doesn’t make me any less attracted or open to people of other genders.

And just because I’m in a relationship with just one person (and will be keeping it that way for a while, maybe forever), it doesn’t mean we have a strictly monogamous arrangement or view our relationship as closed out of principle.

So, even though I’m a little more careful about throwing the label around these days, I still identify with it.

I Was Singed but I Didn’t Get Burned

I did meet someone before and made a bit of room for them. It all happened online, but I felt some closeness, intimacy, and attraction.

I knew I was polyamorous before that, but it kind of made it official. I knew then that I could have a relationship with more than one person.

Unfortunately, that didn’t turn out so well for me.

It hurt, and I took a while to process everything that happened and to get over it. But I did. And after I did, I came to a realization: nothing was missing from my life, at least as far as romance and sex go.

After Rob, I didn’t feel like there was a void that needed to be filled. I felt perfectly fine with just Mr. Austin and my writing to keep me busy.

It made me realize that I need to be more cautious, more guarded, and do a better job of protecting my emotions and my privacy. I was definitely singed, but I haven’t been burned. It didn’t send me running from polyamory or convince me that monogamy is the only way to go.

I’m not scared of opening myself up again. But I’m stretched out as thin as I can go, and I feel completely fulfilled.

I’m still polyamorous, but I won’t be dating or fucking anyone other than Mr. Austin for quite some time. And I’m in no rush to change that.

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