Being more at ease with self
Tired of feeling out of place in your own skin? Here’s some ways to feel more confident in who you are.
by: E.B. Johnson
In order to live a life that is both fulfilling and meaningful, we have to find comfort in our own presence and (above all else) our own skin. Embracing who you are is an important step in your journey to self-realization, but too often, it’s a step we skip in the rat race to please and love others. Loving yourself is a superpower, but being comfortable in your authenticity? It’s a transcendence that pushes you far beyond the borders of your biggest widest visions.
Signs you’re not comfortable with yourself.
Are you constantly uncomfortable in your own skin? Do you feel like you hate yourself, your personality, or your body? Whether you’re willing to admit these truths out loud or not, there are a number of signs you could already be displaying to those around you.
Invisibility cloak
While some make themselves big when they’re feeling small, an even greater number choose to cloak themselves in invisibility. These people do everything they can to make themselves tiny or imperceptible to others. They might keep silent when they need to speak up, or go out of their way to overachieve (in order to avoid criticism). However they go about it, the goal is the same: make yourself invisible to anyone who might hurt you or criticize you. It’s not an affordable way to live your life.
Inability to be alone
Do you struggle to spend time on your own? When you find yourself with a few quiet moments of downtime, do you immediately reach for the phone, the remote, or the car keys? This inability to be alone with yourself and your thoughts indicates a deep fear of self. Perhaps you don’t like something about your personality, or perhaps you’re running from the injuries caused from previous relationships. Whatever the reason, you’ll do anything to avoid spending time alone with yourself.
Constantly “on”
Though we tend to think of the insecure person as introverted, nothing could be further from the truth. Often, they are the ones who are always putting on a show, or putting on a facade of the perfectly energetic and happy life. They’re always “on”. Always winning, succeeding, going…or, that’s what everyone thinks. The truth is that they’re deathly afraid of anyone seeing how insecure they are, or just how shaky they feel in their own skin. They’re not “on” because you enjoy it. They’re “on” because they’re afraid of what will happen when they stop.
Flip-flopping opinions
A person who is uncomfortable in themselves is also (usually) someone who is uncomfortable around other people. They can’t hold their own mind and might regularly change what they say or think to fit in with those around them. This — more often than not — arises from a desperate need for approval (people pleasing), or the belief that they must conform in order to receive or be deserving of love.
Endless apologies
Do you apologize for anything and everything, all the time? Are your apologies hoisted out even when there’s nothing to apologize for? While often overlooked, this is very much a sign of deep-seating insecurity and discomfort. Because you think so little of yourself and what you have to offer, you spend most of your energies trying to stay as small and out-of-the-way as possible. This results in apologizing for simply existing — a toxic and unhealthy way to live.
Jumpy behavior
Have you been described as a “jumpy” or “fidgety” person? Do your friends and family tease you about your inability to sit still or just relax? Diagnosable mental issues aside, this can also be caused to be extreme insecurity in self. When you’re not living authentically, it causes you to feel like a fraud. This increases your insecurity as you come to believe everyone else can see this too. You might fidget a lot, or exhibit negative body language like crossed arms and avoidant eye contact.
All the negative self-talk
When you don’t love or like yourself, you often get in the habit of engaging in negative self-talk that is meant to reinforce all the negative beliefs you have about yourself. It’s a sort of punishment, and it ranges across judgement and comparisons to really self-limiting ideas that prevent you from cultivating healthy relationships and snatching up the opportunities that could otherwise offer happiness and fulfillment.
Never the designer
Are you someone who never makes the plans in your friend group or family? Instead, you go with the flow and do whatever everyone else wants to do. When they ask you your opinion, you usually respond with something along the lines of, “Oh, I don’t care. I’m not picky.” Or, “I’m happy with whatever.” You’re never the designer of the activities when it comes to friends, family, and loved ones. That’s because you’re uncertain and uncomfortable, and that reads to those around you in your refusal to step up and demand space.
Hyper-focused on flaws
Are you someone who is hyper-focused on flaws? Do you see a million flaws in yourself, or in others? Those who look constantly for flaws are those who are constantly comparing themselves to others (or some obscure standard they’ve built up in their imagination). Because they are so insecure, they become increasingly negative and only able to see the bad or the shortcomings in themselves and others. It’s a miserable way to live, when we each have our own authentic journeys to undertake.
How to be more comfortable in your own skin.
Just as we can learn to drive a car or practice better sleep habits, we can also learn how to be confident and comfortable in our own skin. While this can certainly involve a degree of physical adjustment, that means nothing without committing introspective action. Learning to love yourself, after all, is an inside-out job.
1. Focus on rebuilding self-confidence
The confidence you carry within is the secret to becoming comfortable in the body that you’re in. Our confidence comes from a lot of places, depending on your own individual needs and perspective. We can gain confidence from practicing the skills we’re good at, from cultivating healthy relationships, and even from gussying up our outer appearance, or engaging in solo travel. There are a million and one ways to boost your sense of self-worth, and none of them are necessarily wrong.
Start loving your body by improving the way you see it. If this comes down to your physical appearance, invest some time and energy into meeting your standard of beauty. When we look good on the outside, we feel good on the inside. It’s a quick way to jump-start the process, while getting you excited about everything you’re capable of.
Once you’ve sparked your outer confidence, get engaged in some activities or pastimes that re-invigorate your skills or sense of passion. Do something that you’re good at, then revel in the all those lovely feelings that action inspires. Hold on to those bubbly emotions, and allow them to inspire you and reaffirm the idea of, “Yes! I am great! I am lovable! I am capable!” The more often you do this activity, the more and more confident you will become. In addition, you’ll start to see the value and the worth in your person and presence.
2. Let go of your judgements
The person who is truly uncomfortable in their own skin is usually someone who is extremely critical. They might be critical of others, or critical of self. They judge everyone and everything (especially their own behaviors and decisions) and they don’t know how to give it a break. We have to let go of this constant need to judge if we want to move toward a more happy and complete perception of self. We have to allow ourselves to be as we are, and accept our journey — mistakes, mishaps, and all.
Start limiting your negative self-talk and stifle that inner critic that analyzes and undermines every attempt you make to live your life. Work back to the roots of your need to judge, and look for that inner child that was judged harshly, or only shown love when they “performed” with success.
Understand that there isn’t any single timeline or ultimate goal you have to achieve in this life. You don’t have to do what other people. You don’t have to fit to their schedules, or achieve the things they did. Your life is your own, and there’s no right or wrong way to live it. The only truly wrong thing you can do is live a life that is not completely your own. Or spend your time being uncomfortable in this body. Fall for every imperfect curve and swerve about you.
3. Celebrate your solitude
When we are uncomfortable in our bodies, or uncomfortable in who we are, it’s hard to be alone and quiet with yourself. Rather than confront your authentic self, you might surround yourself with bristling social circles, or cling to intimate partner-after-partner in hopes of avoiding the inevitable — yourself. Want to be more comfortable in your own skin? Figure out how to be comfortable on your own. The longer you mask your fears and insecurities with the constant presence of distractions, the more unhappy and uncomfortable you will become.
That inner identity is the only person you can never escape in this life. You will never run away from them or change your address enough. You have to live with yourself forever; in the quiet moments and the chaotic ones too. Stop running from who you are. If you are someone who has always overwhelmed yourself in order to avoid yourself, start small.
Take 10–15 minutes each day to spend some time alone. If you’re comfortable meditating, spend the time focusing on your strengths and what you love about yourself. Once you’re comfortable there, move on to your flaws or what you’d like to change. If meditation isn’t your thing, just spend this time being present in your body doing something that brings you joy. Increase this time and look for solo adventures and experiences you can journey into on your own. Engage in a relationship with yourself and use these opportunities to connect and transform into the person you want to be.
4. Fall passionately in love with yourself
Once you get used to spending some time on your own, you can begin to embrace the concept of falling hopelessly and passionately in love with who you are. While having the gift to love others is tremendous, learning how to love ourselves is a transformative skill that moves us to a greater and higher way of living. Do you want to be comfortable with who you are or what you want? Learn to love and support yourself as fiercely as you do others.
Fall passionately in love with who you are from the inside out. Take all this new time and all these new experiences to explore new facets of who you are. Begin the process by focusing on your strengths. What do you do better than anyone else around you? What do you enjoy? What makes your heart sing?
Lean on your strengths and your passions to reinforce the idea that you are beautiful and worthy. Any time you question yourself, think back to these skills and strengths. You are capable and you are deserving. You cannot possibly hope to love anyone else deeply and without condition until you love yourself. Be who you are and embrace the fullness of your authenticity. No one on this planet has precisely the experience and skill that you do. Use it and make the most out of your life.
5. End the constant comparisons
There is, perhaps, no greater killer of self-love than our endless comparisons. As humans, we are extremely observant and extremely competitive. We want the best for ourselves and for those we love, and that has been amplified by today’s hyper-superficial and partisan culture. If you truly want to find a way to love yourself — you have to find a way to end this patter. Alongside dropping our judgement, this also involves ridding ourselves of these endless comparisons of self, life, and love.
Stop comparing your appearance to other people’s. Stop comparing the life you have, the career, or the car. There is no one in this world with the exact journey as you, no one with the same body or the same face. You don’t have to have the same career as someone else, or the nuclear Instagram family. What you do have to do is find a way to live in peace and harmony with yourself and the world around you.
End the self talk right where it starts and begin re-framing your competitive, comparative thoughts. When you find yourself thinking, “I wish I looked like A, B, or C…” clip the thought off, and think instead of a feature or skill you love about yourself. Perhaps it’s your hair, your eyes, the way you dress. Once you’ve thought a nice thought about yourself, extend a positive (non-comparative) thought to the other person too. The more often you make this practice, the less room their is for comparison.
Putting it all together…
In today’s hyper-critical world, it’s not always easy to stay true to who you are, or even be comfortable in your own skin. When we’re plagued by insecurities, w sell ourselves short and sabotage our lives in shocking and surprising ways. If we want to live authentically and with purpose, then we have to embrace who we are and everything we want from the world around us.
Focus on rebuilding your self-confidence and let go of all those harsh judgements that you dole out for yourself and for others. No one on this plane is perfect, so there’s no use punishing yourself or those around you for the things that they aren’t. Embrace your humanity and learn how to celebrate your solitude. The more comfortable you can be on your own, the more comfortable you are with who you are and the direction you’re taking. Fall passionately in love with your authentic self and do that by embracing the fullness of what you want from yourself and this life. You deserve to be loved unconditionally, but that won’t happen until you love yourself. Drop the comparisons and know that your journey — chaotic and heartbreaking though it might be at times — is entirely unique and beautiful to behold.
- Sawaya, Y., Sharif, M., Christin, N., Kubota, A., Nakarai, A., & Yamada, A. (2017). Self-Confidence Trumps Knowledge. Proceedings Of The 2017 CHI Conference On Human Factors In Computing Systems. doi: 10.1145/3025453.3025926