Being Embarrassed All The Time
How I deal with feeling shameful all the time
I get embarrassed easily.
I get embarrassed by the way I answer the phone. I get embarrassed by the way I walk. I get embarrassed by the amount of time it takes me to choose the right avocado in the supermarket.
I get embarrassed at night, thinking back on all the times I made a fool of myself.
Of course, it’s not the end of the world to feel embarrassed from time to time. But if you’re embarrassed easily, like I am, it can definitely hold you back. If you’re always punishing yourself for every small mistake, you become cautious.
You start over-analyzing your own behavior, and it gets harder and harder to take risks and be spontaneous.
And the feeling of cringe isn’t exactly a pleasant feeling.
As Carl Gustav Jung puts it:
‘Shame is a soul eating emotion.’
Which is why I decided (as part of my journey, to be more vulnerable and less risk-averse) to deal with my constant embarrassment.
Why we feel shame
Shame is defined as “the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another.”
From an evolutionary perspective, shame is a very valuable emotion. Humans are, after all, social and interdependent creatures. For a long time, our survival depended on our connections with others.
Having others devalue us was a threat to our existence, so it makes sense that those people that tried their best to be valued by others had a higher chance of survival.
Daniel Sznycer, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Montreal, states:
‘In a world without soup kitchens, police, hospitals, or insurance, our ancestors needed to consider how much future help they would lose if they took various actions that others disapprove of but that would be rewarding in other ways. The feeling of shame is an internal signal that pulls us away from acts that would jeopardize how much other people value our welfare.’
Even today, shame can be a beneficial emotion, as it helps us navigate social situations. But it’s no longer a matter of life and death (even though our brains are not aware of this), as we do have soup kitchens and hospitals now.
Too much shame can lead to unnecessary suffering. According to research, it can also lead to self-isolation and withdrawal.
As John Bradshaw, author of Healing the Shame that Binds You, wrote:
‘Toxically shamed people tend to become more and more stagnant as life goes on. They live in a guarded, secretive and defensive way. They try to be more than human (perfect and controlling) or less than human (losing interest in life or stagnated in some addictive behavior).’
How to overcome shame
Even though mindfulness is widely used as a tool to deal with negative emotions and regulate emotional disorders, it’s not often specifically connected to feelings of shame.
Research, however, suggests that mindfulness exercises can, in fact, be very beneficial.
This is because mindfulness both fosters awareness and non-judgment. By doing so, mindfulness renders negative emotions less threatening and upsetting. In other words: they lose their power.
Often we are not consciously aware of shame as it happens, we are merely aware of an uncomfortable feeling. We respond to that feeling with withdrawal: we try to remove ourselves from the situation, to hide.
By doing so, we reinforce the feelings of shame. Shame has taught us a social lesson, and we try to avoid whatever we were doing in the future.
This is how shame becomes a self-reinforcing negative feedback loop.
So how do we escape this negative feedback loop?
The simple mindfulness exercise I use when feeling embarrassed
This is the exercise I do, based on three mindfulness principles: observing, non-reactivity and non-judgment.
1. Observe
The first step is observation. Make it a habit to be conscious of your thoughts and emotions. When people are more observant of their inner lives, they can recognize negative emotions when they happen. If you notice feelings of embarrassment or cringe, you can then practice non-reactivity:
2. Non-reactivity
Whenever you recognize feelings of shame creeping up, try not to react too strongly to them. Don’t try to stop the emotion, don’t try to argue with it. Simply relax your body, name the feeling for what it is, and let it float by.
3. Non-judgment
This is the most important step: Practice non-judgment. Take on a nonjudgmental attitude, towards yourself and whatever it is you’re doing.
These simple 3 steps made a huge deal in the way I deal with shame. I tell my body: it’s okay. And I continue whatever it was that I was doing (still squeezing those avocados, probably).
You don’t have to be in an embarrassing situation to practice these steps. You can practice them at any time, simply by thinking back on a shameful experience.
Instead of pushing the emotion away, observe what’s happening in your body. Develop a non-judgmental attitude. And, always, practice self-compassion.
It’s not always easy, and you probably won’t be able to completely eradicate shame. After all, shame is part of the human experience. But you will be able to gradually lessen the impact that shame has on you.
It won’t happen overnight, but it is possible to retrain these negative feedback loops and instead adopt a kinder, more non-judgmental attitude towards yourself.
And it’s worth it.
Feeling less embarrassed means we are able to look at ourselves from a kinder perspective. It also means we are able to take more risks, be more vulnerable and not judge ourselves too harshly whenever we make a mistake.