Being Authentic You, Sometimes Means Letting Other People Go
Holding on to those you are afraid of losing is the reason for you to let go and love yourself.
“Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.” — Yoda
Day 24/100: Gratitude today for understanding that relationships don’t necessarily last. But they always carry powerful lessons.
I grew up in a one parent Indian family. We didn’t have much of a support network. Money was tight. My father would visit once a year from Bombay. If we could afford it, we would visit him back. My mum was mentally unwell my whole life. And largely, emotionally absent. I learnt to hold on to what little I could get, in practically everything. Or at least, just enjoy it before it potentially disappeared. From food to money and even relationships. You could say I made the most of everything or that I was obsessed with it all being taken away.
Even a visiting neighbourhood cat, Ginger, experienced my tendency to hold on — literally! When I was around 5 or 6 years old, I pulled on his tail so hard as he was leaving our home, that it yanked his head back. I was besides myself with regret and shame. I hadn’t meant to hurt Ginger, I just didn’t want him to leave me alone. That was probably my first lesson in understanding that relationships were not about me and my unmet needs. And that a cat was not an object.
My best childhood friend and I would often look back and marvel at how many years we had been friends. Even after two major gaps in our friendship, of around 10 years and then another 8 years, during when we occasionally ran into one another or exchanged birthday cards. In our late 30s/early 40s, we were still calling ourselves best friends. Though it was sometimes strained. And it was obvious that in those earlier gaps we had evolved into rather different humans with experiences that were difficult to be bridged. And then, one day, there was a big shift in the friendship. We had a falling out. And then followed another extended gap. This time, although we kept up the birthday messages, I felt differently. I had a big realisation: we weren’t best friends. We just tried to keep that going because it felt like we should after growing up together from the age of 6. I understood that, whilst we would probably always have an invisible connection and that I cared deeply, the friendship was not one that allowed either of us to grow. And, sadly, not one I wanted, therefore. However, the letting go, for me, truly happened much later — in my mind. I forgave myself for previously carrying the friendship inauthentically, idealistically, and for admitting that I could not be that role of the so called best friend any longer. There would be no going back to it. Even if there had been lots of good times and lots of laughs. But I had long been an adult who thought differently to the child who was indeed once a best friend. And I was happy owning who I was now and stepping away. Even at the risk of others’ judgement. I daresay it is better that way for my friend, too.
I do like the annual exchange of good wishes, however. And is still genuinely intended. For me, it is about recognising my self-care boundaries. And I am comfortably grounded behind them. This is progress in my life; the codependent in me and the former people pleaser, would have been fearful of letting go of this friendship. Especially the connection it presented to my youth and all we had each witnessed in our respective troubled upbringings. But when looked at another way, that became another reason to let go. Not to close off to my past, rather to let myself heal and move on.
What I am grateful for today, is having the willingness to check in and ask if a relationship of any kind is based on growth. If I and the other person are moving forwards and helping each do so. I would recommend everyone to be brave enough to ask that self question. If not, if it feels like you’re on a hamster wheel, reliving past traumas and triggering them in each other, without being able to heal, it may be worth investigating if a fear of being alone with who you are, is the common factor holding your friendship together.
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You might also enjoy this article about how self love can easily be practised with one simple daily habit:
