Being a Stay-at-Home Mom Created a Marital Imbalance

What I should have done differently in my relationship

It’s a gut-wrenching decision for new parents. To work or not to work? Outside of the home that is. I was spared the anguish because we were self-employed. We either had to hire someone to replace me in the office or at home.

This is the decision that initiated our divide.

But it was a sense of indebtedness that created our marital imbalance. I was grateful. And I directed all of my gratitude towards my husband. The funny thing? So did he. As if he’d come down from the heavens and plucked me from poverty. Nonetheless, I let this sense of indebtedness magnify.

It destroyed the equilibrium in our relationship. Because it wasn’t two parties expressing gratitude to one another. It was both parties holding one individual as a financial savior.

I believed my husband was affording me a luxury. So did he. In reality, I was affording him a different type of luxury. He didn’t have to get up in the middle of the night to tend to a crying baby. He didn’t go in late, come home early, or cancel a meeting. He didn’t have to cook, clean, or go grocery shopping.

His daily life was minus the typical stresses of family. At the beginning of marriage counseling, my husband complained to our therapist, “Can you believe she’s got me driving these kids here and driving these kids there?”

Later our counselor would ask, “What were you thinking? You asked nothing of your husband.”

I felt blessed to stay at home. But there’s a second portion to this answer. My husband expected it. He grew up in an extremely traditional household. He believed we should play roles in our marriage.

He was clear in his own words, that he was “A busy man.”

Things began to fall apart when I stopped doing everything. Our children were getting older and I physically couldn’t get them everywhere they needed to be. There were times I needed help.

In counseling, I was learning the error of my ways and now asked him to cook too. Resentments were building within my husband. He felt he was doing two jobs. Mine and his.

There are a few things worth pointing out. The ‘busy man’ works on the school calendar and has approximately three and a half months off per year.

I paid the bills for our home, office, and investment properties for half of our marriage. I took care of mortgages, car loans, insurance policies, and refinancing. I handled car servicing and home repairs.

I refer to myself as a stay-at-home mom but our situation was somewhat complicated. In the early years of motherhood, we couldn’t afford someone to replace me in the office. The first year I took my son to work with me every day. After that, I hired two sitters and went into the office several days a week for longer periods. Ultimately, we were able to afford an office manager to take my place.

The ‘busy man’ had a lower level of stress. Because his wife was taking care of pretty much everything. Until we began marriage counseling. And before I told him I was unhappy and thinking of leaving. Then he suddenly wanted responsibility for the bills.

Foolish me.

The man who expected my gratitude now found me to be ungrateful. He canceled his life insurance without my knowledge but continued to pay a policy on me. And began hiding money from our business for years, while I cried and worked on our marriage.

He did emotionally and financially abusive things. Horrible things. Because he said I bit the hand that fed me. He left me with none of the savings or retirement he hid because he bizarrely believes I’m not entitled to any of it.

The gratitude is still one-directional. One spouse should not be solely indebted to the other spouse.

It creates a marital imbalance.

If you would like to read more of my stories and support me as a writer, consider signing up to become a Medium member. For just $5 a month you will get unlimited access to Medium