Be Open (More About Me) — Doreen Barker

I am more than just the tragedies I have faced in this life

A friend recently said to me that I seem to have some form of drama in my life about every six months. It’s not because I’m causing it, it just seems to find me. The most recent was my son being involved, through no fault of his own, a head on collision that nearly took his life when another driver crossed into oncoming traffic.

But this drama, oh this life long cycle of drama. All of my life, I always felt like I was somehow cursed. I’ve lost a brother, been repeatedly abused in multiple forms, and found myself in some situations I could never fully understand how I got there. Sometimes, life just does that to us. It throws these weird curve balls that blindside us.

Am I actually cursed? I honestly don’t know. I don’t understand how one person can have so much go so terribly wrong. Then as I look back, each trauma or dramatic event has shaped me into the person I am. I’ve had the choice many times to become bitter, resentful, and uncaring to anyone but myself. I’m not trying to pat myself on the back but, I like to think that I’m wiser and kinder than I’ve actually ever been.

It’s so easy to look back and try to find the could have, would have, and should have done differently years down the road. Hindsight is funny like that. Remembering all the situations though… I don’t think I could have actually changed too many outcomes. Eventually, each situation would have arisen over time because of the actions and mannerisms of the other people involved. Have I been at fault? Of course I have, on too many occasions to count. Have I worked hard to overcome my own short comings? Absolutely.

I’ve sat for days wondering about this cycle I’m in. Wondering how to break it. I’ve cut most people out of my life at this point. I work hard everyday to pay my bills, to just get by from day to day, and to try to keep some form of sanity. Some days are easier. Most days are extremely hard. Again, I always thought that was just how life was for me. Cursed with tragedy.

My son’s accident has shown me that maybe I need to shift my perspective. I’m a big believer in positivity and the power of it. I think maybe that’s the incorrect perspective to have. I think instead of saying, “sure all this bad stuff is happening but I’ll survive (or others will), I need to start saying, “Look at all this stuff I’ve (or others) have triumphed over.

I’m a well seasoned warrior at this point in my life. Warriors are never heard yelling, “Yeah, I survived.” You hear them give a roar of triumph. No words, just a hoorah of victory. After all, isn’t that how battles and wars work? You either win or you lose. You can lose and still survive, but that’s just it… you survived to fight another day. When you win, the opponent is defeated. They are dealt a crushing blow, forced to retreat, and you stand firm on the battle ground giving the guttural cry of victory.

Maybe this is the lesson to take away from life… there are no partial victories or successes. You either march forward and take the win or you retreat and fail yourself. I think every person has a tendency to down play their impact of their own survival, their own success. Especially those of us that have faced trauma and tragedy. But here we are, still pushing forward. Still learning new precautions, new techniques, and still pushing forward. Why? We do this because that’s how life works. A new day dawns and begins. The sun sets, the moon rises. It’s the constant and consistent flow of life.

I’m far from perfect, a little crazy at times, but I’m also human. “To err is human,” wrote Alexander Pope. There’s not a single living soul this doesn’t apply to. We all struggle in some form through this life. Some just grasp being able to take the win faster than some of the rest of us.

Who am I? I’m a human that’s faced difficulties. I’ve fought battles. I’ve survived. I’ve never truly thrived. I’ve never looked at a problem at hand and said, I’m going to overcome and win this battle. I’ve been a fixer, a people pleaser. I’ve focused more on others than I have myself. I’ve been lost and I’ve found myself. I’ve had my heart broken a thousand times, but I’m still willing to freely give my love to those deserving. I’ve learned lessons, paid dearly, and am still building the life I hope to have. I’ve struggled. I’ve cried. I’ve laughed. I’ve felt the deepest of sorrows and the grandest of joys. At the end of the day, I’m simply human. Just like everyone else, maybe with a little more experience.

FALLING UP by Shel Silverstein I tripped on my shoelace And I fell up — Up to the roof tops, Up over town, Up past the tree tops, Up over the mountains, Up where the colors Blend into the sounds. But it got me so dizzy When I looked around, I got sick to my stomach And I threw down.

I grew up reading Shel Silverstein and this was one of my favorite poems. I always felt a symbolism to it that I didn’t understand until much later in life. Our traumas, dramas, and tragedies are our shoelaces. We either face plant when we trip or we defy gravity and rise. We just need to be careful to stay humble on that journey upwards, understanding that too high can make us sick inside.

Keep yourself grounded. Fight the good fight. Fully embrace the wins. All of us are out here fighting our own battles. Me personally, I hope that we can all focus a little more on the small victories, triumphs, and successes while remembering we are all actually just human.