Be Careful What You Share with Narcissists
Your vulnerabilities are the narcissist’s weaponry
Once a narcissist knows what makes you tick, they use that to manipulate and hurt you. Narcissists study their targets and quickly learn what matters to them the most and where their insecurities lie. Then the narcissist uses these exact things as leverage against you.
As a person with BPD (borderline personality disorder), I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I naively and impulsively overshare my thoughts and feelings (admittedly, I really should filter). This manifests both positively and negatively. If I am feeling great about something, you will know it. And likewise, if I am upset, you’ll know it as well. I don’t hold back.
For the most part, I like to be open and vulnerable. That is until I get hurt.
From the BPD perspective, when I get hurt, I lash out at the transgressor. But soon enough, I turn that anger, sadness, and pain inward.
Narcissists do not do this. They mercilessly project their inner pain/frustration/rage/hate outward.
When you hurt, anger, shame, etc. a narcissist (whether intentional or not), hold onto your seat because they are going to do everything they possibly can to destroy you. Because by doing this, the narcissist feels back on top again, which is essential to the narcissist. Their grandiosity says, who the fuck are you?! Get back in your place or you are going to pay!
This is where all those vulnerable conversations you had during the idealization phase come in.
Narcissists store all that information that you shared with them for exactly this moment.
By getting to know you intimately, they learned how to manipulate you in every sense.
They know how to sweet talk you, reminding you of all those hopes and dreams the two of you supposedly shared. And they know exactly how to drive a dagger in to hit you where it hurts the most.
The worst part of all of this, is you are not entitled to your own feelings when you are in the devaluation stage.
The narcissist can say the most horribly hurtful things, never apologize, and then blame you for their maltreatment of you, which drives the dagger even deeper. In which case you then go reeling, blindly looking for empathy from your narcissist who has none. Their intense coldness shocks the partner’s system, leaving them frozen in complete horror and disbelief. How can they not see how hurtful they are being? Why can’t they understand how you feel?
Something is amiss and you know this isn’t right, but the narcissist’s unwavering cruelty, deflection, and blame-shifting start to sink in, furthering the cognitive dissonance that has created your fogged-up reality since you became entangled with your narcissist.
This scenario of shamelessly abusing you and you basically accepting it becomes the narc’s latest game.
When you decide to ‘get over’ your abuse, the narcissist is there waiting, smiling like a pompous cold-blooded crocodile. They knew you’d be back because honestly, you are addicted to them via the trauma bond that was created so subtly that you couldn’t have known what hit you. Narcissistic abuse is insidious. The toxicity of intermittent reinforcement creates the trauma bond.
In the narcissist’s mind, if you’re good, you behave, and quietly take their shit (lies, cheating, beatings, etc.) life can be good. If you’re bad, you misbehave, question, or seek a mutual compromise with your narcissist, you are challenging their grandiose False Self, who will punish you to put you back in your place- lower than thy godlike narcissist. Narcissists need that power dynamic to keep their self-esteem regulated.
When the narcissist wants to sweet talk you back into their game, they are dismissive of their acts. They will gaslight you into thinking you misunderstood or it was your fault. They would never lie, cheat, betray, or hit you. You should know they love you. Jeez, you think you’re so perfect. Boom, they put their abuse of you right back in your lap, without taking any accountability.
Narcissists will threaten your children (even if they’re their kids too!) My ex threatened to call CPS and have his own child put into a foster home, for arguments that had nothing to do with our child. He didn’t live with us, see her, ask about her, or support her. But he didn’t want me to have her either if I wasn’t going to obey him. He used our child as a weapon. He knew what I loved most and how to instill fear in me to get what he wanted.
Narcissists will use any and all of your insecurities against you. Oh, you like your job? You like supporting yourself and your children? The narcissist creates havoc at your work. Mine has come to my job and caused a ruckus, he used to threaten to call my boss and tell outlandish lies; anything to create problems for me.
Narcissists will do and say anything to keep you in a state of utter misery, anxiety, and dread. It’s about control. They love the feeling that they have something over you. They are out for destruction.
The feeling that they can destroy you empowers the narcissist; it drives their pathological narcissism.
It’s them against you. It always was, and it always will be.
Narcissists have no human equals. Their only goal is to manipulate you through both love and fear and extract as much supply out of your being as they possibly can.
Be careful letting a narcissist into your world. Everything about you will be used against you. That is why many refer to narcissistic abuse as soul rape. They extract your very essence, your highest hopes, and your deepest fears, and play with you like a toy. You are an object to the narcissist. They cannot see you, feel for you, or care for you like you’re a human being.
Declare your own self-worth, go no contact, and become wise to these toxic relationship dynamics. A little bit of a guard-up is a good thing, especially in a new relationship. Let vulnerability and intimacy evolve slowly. Stay safe.
Thank you for reading!
