Narcissists Do What You’d Never Expect Them to Do to You
The narc’s manipulation game is strong
Narcissists work their game right from the very beginning. During the love bombing, they are manipulating the shit out of you. Narcissists go above and beyond to make you believe that they are the perfect ideal partner. They shower you with attention, affection, and gifts.
By studying you and mirroring you, they seem to say everything you want to hear. The future looks bright.
But make no mistake, the narcissist is just trying to get what the narcissist wants.
Years ago, when I was with my ex, the narcissist, I worked part-time as a bartender on the weekends. It was a fun, busy place with live music and a more upscale clientele. My ex used to come and visit me there while I was working.
One particular evening, this woman kept trying to drag my ex onto the floor for a dance. He smiled and sheepishly refused. But she was determined. She kept making her way back over to him throughout the night; clearly flirting, although he pretended that she was just making small talk.
He wore a smug grin and politely carried on the conversation a bit, explaining that he worked in the trades as a union painter.
And wouldn’t you know, she needed her house painted! He gave her his phone number. And she carried on flirting.
I continued to be wowed by how hard this woman was trying to seduce my man right in front of me. I was not jealous in this instant. I didn’t see her as competition. I loved and trusted my man. But I was keeping an eye on them, as I continued to work my shift.
At some point, the woman who fancied my ex gave up and left with her girlfriends. I finished my shift and sat down to talk with my ex. I rolled my eyes, asking him, “What was that all about?!”
He explained that he had met her once, a long time ago through a mutual friend. He didn’t really know her, know her.
He hadn’t seemed to have been encouraging her flirtation, so we just joked about it a bit.
Then, my ex said, “She wanted to go home with me. I told her I am dating the bartender and that we are going home together. She didn’t like that.”
My eyes widened in surprise at the sheer boldness of this poor desperate woman. How did she expect to come into my place of work and take my man home?
The audacity amazed me.
He seemed to be completely open, vulnerable, and trustworthy, which made me feel completely safe and at peace with him and the situation. We had another chuckle about it.
Before we got home, his phone rang and showed up as an unknown number, so he didn’t answer it.
Upon checking his voicemail, it was her, the woman from the bar. He played the message for me to hear.
In a drunken raspy voice, she said, “I didn’t want to date you. I just wanted to have sex with you. That’s your mistake.”
Again, my eyes turned into saucers at this woman’s insane determination.
My ex comfortingly put his arms around me, looking embarrassed and equally confused as to this woman’s behavior.
With seeming sincerity, he looked me in the eyes and swore he only loved me and would never even look at another woman.
I cocked my head and calmly asked him why he gave her his phone number. He insisted it was because she was asking him to do a small side job, painting a door.
He told me he would never go to her house now. After she left that voicemail, he was uncomfortable, or so he said. Nothing was going to come between us.
Then he had an idea. He wanted to redo his cell’s voicemail setup, with my voice saying, “Hello, you have reached x’s phone. He is not available right now. Please leave a brief message.”
This was not a unique idea, as I had recently called the owner of the bar (a super nice respectable guy) and gotten his voicemail, which had his wife’s voice on the recording.
Narcissists store info for future manipulation and/or attempt to embody someone they consider cool or successful. Narcs are never really unique in their ideas to woo someone. And narcissists are always pretending to be someone they are not.
Anyway, I was completely fooled by my ex back then, knowing nothing of narcissistic personality disorder.
The issue with the woman from the bar never got heated and caused zero distress between my ex and me. In fact, it probably brought us closer, at the time. I agreed to do his voicemail recording. Then I lovingly put my head on his shoulder, thinking that my man is the best. He is so committed and loving. I am such a lucky lady.
Of course, I wasn’t so lucky at all.
If you read the rest of my stories, you know that my ex turned out to be a full-blown narcissist/ abuser who would go to extreme lengths to make my life a living hell.
So, let’s fast forward a couple of years. Fun fact: this woman never went away. Though he had rejected her back then at the bar, he never deleted her.
He saw her around town at other bars. And he secretly went to her house for painting projects. He didn’t tell me. But she did.
We were at a local concert-in-the-park event. The bitch-from-the-bar recognized me and asked me where my ex was. (The nerve.)
I smiled politely and said, he’s working.
This woman, clearly already half-drunk, starts babbling about all the work he has been doing at her house and what a good job he is doing.
I stare at her. She knows she has gotten a rise out of me.
I nod, expressionless, and excuse myself.
And on comes the anger, the grief, and the drama fest, that I had become quite accustomed to over the years with my ex. He lies, denies, and laughs when I confront him, pulling all the usual narcissist tricks- blame-shifting, projecting, minimizing, raging, stonewalling, etc.
The near-constant gaslighting that narcissists inflict causes such mental uncertainty in the victim. Narcissists literally flip your reality upside down. Cognitive dissonance is the fog that enters your brain when what you see and what you get conflict, creating serious psychological discomfort.
The issue went unaddressed, like all other issues, and eventually, I took him back due to the intense trauma bond. Each time we got back together, I felt more paranoid, unstable, and insecure in the relationship. Yet, I wasn’t ready to fully let go.
I did a thing that I am not particularly proud of, but I tapped his phone. I was able to see his messages, hear his google searches, and had access to his maps; the whole 9 yards.
I do not recommend doing this if you are not prepared to see and hear the truth of who your narcissist is.
This was devastating to me. He was way worse than I even imagined. Having the hard evidence broke my heart into a million pieces.
But that is what narcissists do. They break people’s hearts- because they don’t have one.
Yet, we heal, love, and become whole again. The narcissist will never have that.
Thank you for reading!