Be a Better Boss

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Abstract

he office early the next morning in order to catch up.</li><li>Don’t create an environment where your employees feel like they have to constantly bow down to you. Just once at the beginning of the day and once when you return from lunch should be sufficient.</li><li>Speaking of lunch, every day I pick out one exceptional employee and allow them to consume the crusts from my grilled cheese. It’s a highly valued treat, as lunch has otherwise been banned.</li><li>Ban lunch. I had to learn this one the hard way after Stephanie brought in a Tupperware container full of hard boiled eggs and the putrid smell upset several tummies (or possible just my tummy several times).</li><li>I always make sure I know at least half of my employees names. This may sound insufficient, but keep in mind: the Department of Pins and Needles can have upwards of six employees, and they almost always have boring names like Steven or Stephanie.</li><li>Eye contact Fridays! Have at least one day a week where your underlings can feel free to look you in the eye.</li><li>I rename all of my employees. It fosters a team atmosphere. Women are Stephanie, and men are Steven. All other genders are expeditiously transferred to the Department of Eggshells, Tightropes, and Thin Ice.</li></ol><p id="b4b2">Remember: if you keep an employee longer than six weeks, you’re doing it wrong!</p><p id="0b9a">There’s no need to thank me profusely in the comment section. But if you don’t, t

Options

hen I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go.</p><p id="81ed">Enjoyed yourself? Then read this Stupid:</p><div id="5ad6" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/neighbor-leaves-note-for-man-living-in-his-van-4e11b4f317ce"> <div> <div> <h2>Neighbor Leaves Note for Man Living in his Van</h2> <div><h3>Several neighbors complained. Dan took a different approach.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*6UyXudauSJ3468oBdsqknw.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="0b3d">Also this is the funniest thing I’ve read this week: <a href="undefined">Kristen Stark</a></p><div id="e7e5" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/its-hot-as-balls-outside-here-s-how-to-stay-cool-94d3c4a1c304"> <div> <div> <h2>It’s Hot as Balls Outside! Here’s How to Stay Cool</h2> <div><h3>A very serious tutorial</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*fc4HfZZX4AyrL4u8)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Follow My Shining Example

Image from Pixabay.

Are you a boss like me? Are you tired of being described by your employees as an uninspired combination of lackluster and tolerable?

I’m here to help. As the head of Acme’s Department of Pins and Needles, I am honored to pass on nine illuminating examples of exemplary boss behavior.

I hold daily contests to determine who is the most worthy employee. These can range from who gives the best foot massage, to who can say the most flattering thing about me, to who is willing to work the most unpaid overtime without reporting me to the Acme Department of Human Resources.

I always ask if Steven — my assistant director of operations who follows me around with a banana leaf — wants the last sip of my Aqua Fina when I’m done with it. Hydration is essential. Especially because we work in Arizona I don’t allow noisy fans or air conditioners.

Two hours off for funerals of spouses or children! I’ll even give my hirelings the afternoon if they want to go to a wedding, so long as they are the one getting married and they agree to come into the office early the next morning in order to catch up.

Don’t create an environment where your employees feel like they have to constantly bow down to you. Just once at the beginning of the day and once when you return from lunch should be sufficient.

Speaking of lunch, every day I pick out one exceptional employee and allow them to consume the crusts from my grilled cheese. It’s a highly valued treat, as lunch has otherwise been banned.

Ban lunch. I had to learn this one the hard way after Stephanie brought in a Tupperware container full of hard boiled eggs and the putrid smell upset several tummies (or possible just my tummy several times).

I always make sure I know at least half of my employees names. This may sound insufficient, but keep in mind: the Department of Pins and Needles can have upwards of six employees, and they almost always have boring names like Steven or Stephanie.

Eye contact Fridays! Have at least one day a week where your underlings can feel free to look you in the eye.

I rename all of my employees. It fosters a team atmosphere. Women are Stephanie, and men are Steven. All other genders are expeditiously transferred to the Department of Eggshells, Tightropes, and Thin Ice.

Remember: if you keep an employee longer than six weeks, you’re doing it wrong!

There’s no need to thank me profusely in the comment section. But if you don’t, then I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go.

Enjoyed yourself? Then read this Stupid:

Also this is the funniest thing I’ve read this week: Kristen Stark

Life Advice

Be a Better Boss

Follow My Shining Example

Neighbor Leaves Note for Man Living in his Van

Several neighbors complained. Dan took a different approach.

It’s Hot as Balls Outside! Here’s How to Stay Cool

A very serious tutorial