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Abstract

and check technique until you feel comfortable.</p><p id="dc98">If the unit starts rattling, it could be overworked or there could be a snake inside. Just <i>slowly</i> back away without startling the serpent — venom probably makes you even sweatier.</p><h2 id="0cf7">Fan</h2><p id="5619">If you have a fan, move the fan closer to your body. Alternatively, move your body closer to the fan. See diagram below.</p><p id="6ba1">Eh, I don’t feel like making the diagram. The heat has me feeling lethargic.</p><p id="fe14">If you don’t understand the fan advice, just call my friend Don. He’ll walk you through it as long as you listen to his classic sales pitch. Do you need a new set of encyclopedias by chance?</p><h2 id="fc71">Hydration</h2><p id="6338">Drink plenty of water, not a case of beer.</p><p id="f489">I tried to tell Don this, but he told me beer is 99% water. He is currently passed out on my floor, sweating profusely.</p><p id="9f26">I can’t tell if his excessive perspiration is due to the heat or the alcohol poisoning or the fur coat he refused to remove or the snake bite. Quite curious, isn’t it?</p><h2 id="5caa">Ice</h2><p id="d4c4">If you have

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access to ice, wrap some in a washcloth and place it on your head. Instant relief!</p><p id="0b37">When Don went lifeless on my living room floor, the coroner packed his body in ice. Lucky me! I took a few cubes and wow does it feel lovely.</p><figure id="f0c9"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*_oAFbNOxhGNpHRh5Q52N8w.gif"><figcaption><a href="https://tenor.com/view/heat-fan-hot-cat-melting-gif-4994996">Tenor</a></figcaption></figure><p id="fc0d">I hope you enjoyed these tips for staying cool.</p><p id="f211">I have to head out now to plan funeral arrangements for dearly departed Don. I think I’ll choose burial over cremation. The cold ground sounds pretty nice right about now!</p><p id="1705">Dear Reader,</p><p id="01a4">I would like to become famous.</p><ul><li>Please follow me: <a href="undefined">Smillew Rahcuef</a></li><li>And send me money: <a href="https://ko-fi.com/smillew">https://ko-fi.com/smillew</a></li><li>And use my referral link to join Medium: <a href="https://medium.com/membership/@smillewrahcuef">https://medium.com/membership/@smillewrahcuef</a></li></ul><p id="5648">Thanks, Kristen</p></article></body>

HEATWAVE

It’s Hot as Balls Outside! Here’s How to Stay Cool

A very serious tutorial

She once killed a man for the thrill. Photo by Daniil Onischenko on Unsplash

An oppressive heat wave is impacting the U.S., Europe, and probably other places. I’m not exactly sure where. What am I, a meteorologist?

Anyway, as a sentient being who is able to distinguish between hot and cold temperatures, here is my sage advice for beating the heat:

Clothing

If you are wearing two fur coats, remove one of the fur coats. If you are still hot after removing coat #1, remove coat #2 as well.

Air Conditioner

If you have an air conditioning unit, turn it up. Or down. I forget which one makes you cooler. Just deploy a guess and check technique until you feel comfortable.

If the unit starts rattling, it could be overworked or there could be a snake inside. Just slowly back away without startling the serpent — venom probably makes you even sweatier.

Fan

If you have a fan, move the fan closer to your body. Alternatively, move your body closer to the fan. See diagram below.

Eh, I don’t feel like making the diagram. The heat has me feeling lethargic.

If you don’t understand the fan advice, just call my friend Don. He’ll walk you through it as long as you listen to his classic sales pitch. Do you need a new set of encyclopedias by chance?

Hydration

Drink plenty of water, not a case of beer.

I tried to tell Don this, but he told me beer is 99% water. He is currently passed out on my floor, sweating profusely.

I can’t tell if his excessive perspiration is due to the heat or the alcohol poisoning or the fur coat he refused to remove or the snake bite. Quite curious, isn’t it?

Ice

If you have access to ice, wrap some in a washcloth and place it on your head. Instant relief!

When Don went lifeless on my living room floor, the coroner packed his body in ice. Lucky me! I took a few cubes and wow does it feel lovely.

I hope you enjoyed these tips for staying cool.

I have to head out now to plan funeral arrangements for dearly departed Don. I think I’ll choose burial over cremation. The cold ground sounds pretty nice right about now!

Dear Reader,

I would like to become famous.

Please follow me: Smillew Rahcuef
And send me money: https://ko-fi.com/smillew
And use my referral link to join Medium: https://medium.com/membership/@smillewrahcuef

Thanks, Kristen