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Summary

The article discusses strategies for healing from a toxic relationship, particularly focusing on the author's experience with a dismissive and demeaning family member.

Abstract

The author shares a personal journey of coping with a toxic relationship within the family, where their career choice in writing is consistently devalued by a relation who claims superior knowledge without any practical experience. The article highlights the importance of self-care practices like meditation and hydration, the realization that one's work is not the source of toxicity, and the necessity of setting boundaries. It offers practical advice such as deep breathing and choosing when to engage in conversations with the toxic individual. The author emphasizes the significance of not internalizing abusive behavior and learning to disengage from negative interactions, leading to personal growth and improved well-being.

Opinions

  • The author's relation believes they know more about writing than the author and their friends, despite never engaging with their work.
  • The relation's dismissive attitude towards the author's profession and success is seen as a form of abuse.
  • The author initially felt shaken by the relation's behavior but found that their work is not toxic, unlike the relationship.
  • The article suggests that abuse is not condoned by personal struggles and should not be tolerated.
  • The author advocates for speaking up for oneself without resorting to payback or backbiting.
  • The author has learned to renew their mind in tense situations through calming breaths, which has led to improved sleep and overall calmness.
  • The author believes in the power of breathing techniques to create a physiological and psychological reset, aiding in managing anxiety and tension.
  • The author values the importance of choosing battles wisely and recognizes that sometimes, the best response is no response.
  • The author notes that personal improvement is gradual and that maintaining calm in toxic relationships is a process that benefits the individual's well-being.

Bamboozled by a Toxic Relationship: How to Begin to Heal with a Just Dessert

It may seem impossible at first, but finding your voice is doable

royalty-free image from dreamstime courtesy of Badlatitude

I had holed up in the restroom of an outdoor diner, my chest doubled over, and my lungs stinging until I could finally catch my breath.

The relation I’ve known for almost twenty years has insisted she knows more about writing than any of my friends or me.

Mind you, she has never met them. Nor has she come around when invited so she could learn more about the kinds of writing — what freelancing is like…

Because she already ‘knows’.

A truth about writing and freelance?

Writes can clock a five-figure salary or greater, and there are those of us who write in fields where we earn higher.

My relation’s read nothing I’ve penned, ‘ghosts’ her friends on social media (her words), and no clue I write copy. I am therefore unemployable: according to her and her colleagues. (Who might not survive a day as freelance writers — if it challenged them to the task.)

Ergo, I am not in “securities’’ in her estimation and am otherwise ‘unimportant’.

What’s nearly shaken me, though, is how dismissive she gets. Her world and work are by far better, and important…

‘You sit and whack at a keyboard day and sometimes night. Oh, sure, your J.O.B’s “rough”.’

As her mistreatment continues whenever we’re together. I eventually took to practicing meditation and maintaining adequate hydration to help me center and not throw all my energy somewhere and watch it trampled.

And after two decades of listening to the jibes and outright insults (and always cloaked with a, ‘You’re so sensitive about everything), it hits me…

Whether my work’s niche or detailed and intensive, it frequently isn’t toxic.

When you’re bamboozled by a toxic relationship

Worse, my relation is family, and somebody I’ve wanted to believe supports my choices and who can also keep an open mind. Even if it’s impossible to grasp, I write words for a living. Which I am totally grateful to God I can do.

However, it’s her, I, and her flouting how impossible I am to get through to.

[Except, you don’t pay anyone else’s bills, cousin. Nor do I insist on how you should live (something I’ve now told her).]

I wonder how my “relation” would feel if our situations were opposite: Because if you find yourself in a toxic relationship with someone — you may feel like you’re the one at fault, too — when you’re not.

And a personal struggle doesn’t condone abuse, nor does anyone need to allow it.

What to do when a controlling relationship is abusive

When anyone tries to put words in your mouth, attack an opinion, or say it’s you who’s trying to sabotage them — it’s easy to scratch your head and suss what happened.

While if someone shouts over your part of a conversation, or makes digs about your successes, a viewpoint, or something you enjoy: the things they say can seem quite personal.

Although your gut screams abusive behavior smacks as the root and the cause.

Whether or not a person is controlling.

When it’s time to do something about it

So when you’re with a peer, friend, or in my case, a relation? And the battle is real? You don’t always have to give in. Play the offensive: Speak up for yourself (but ixnay on the payback, aka backbiting).

How I started to heal with a just dessert

While there’s not always time to face the toxic intensity of a moment..? There are things you can do beforehand to halt the situation.

First, you can decide whether to engage with the person in question. This is what I did in my situation. And it’s something you might consider whether or not to continue a situation further.

Is it safe to stay relating to?:

  • The location,
  • around people who may be in earshot,
  • or even how at ease you feel with the person.

And if you feel it’s safe to continue:

Renew your mind, in the middle of the situation, by taking in a few calming breaths.

That’s what I learned to do, and it continues to work.

Art Rendering Key from Pixabay

Just breathe

Slow and deep or Diaphragmatic breathing (DB) works on not only in the human brain, but can positively influence specific autonomic functions of the body.

So if we feel physiological tension after facing an immediate conflict: A study shows releasing a “spontaneous sigh” can reduce feelings of high anxiety. While a practiced sigh can create a literal physiological and psychological reset in the body…

It’s been a gift I can give to myself whenever I am around my relation. If I don’t sense a healthy exchange is possible between us, I breathe in for around five seconds and then exhale…

Then if things continue to seem off-kilter with her, I realize at that moment, I simply do not have to respond.

I’ve become so much calmer in 2021 after learning to sigh, And I’m even sleeping better. My relation and I recently dined again. The digs about writing flew like arrows, but I’ve learned to breathe. She even noted there was something different about me.

There was, and it’s the best dessert I’ve ever had.

All because of a change in how I interact with someone whom I appreciate dearly and frequently try to champion when I hear her successes. And somebody who also may not really consider which of us may be the most insecure.

If a relationship is toxic — how to squelch it

If someone turns abusive or disrespectful (they may entirely be unaware of it), there are actions you can take in an instant:

  • State their actions are not a reflection of you.
  • Express what you will and will not allow.
  • Breathe deeply to reach a calmer state (this continues to work for me).
  • Choose to stay aware of their viewpoint — and let it roll off of you (but keep vigilant) and not let them rile you again.

Things may not improve in an instant: but you will.

Letting yourself feel calm will get easier. Sigh and release the tension or the energy of the moment.

It can become the best part of dessert you’ve ever had.

With or without a maraschino cherry on top.

Toxic Relationships
Personal Growth
Illumination
Writing
Self Improvement
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