How To Best a Verbal Abuser at Their Game and Finally Heal
It won’t give you the warm fuzzy feelings we constantly crave.
What it will give you is a way to identify, pinpoint, and recognize when someone has your better interests at heart — or something else.
· Verbal abuse can also rear while quietly disguised · How verbal abuse happens · My truth · How to pinpoint verbal abuse · Abuse can rear in any of these forms: · How to stop a verbal abuser · And remember…
Because at the end of every day, there’s only one you and you deserve the best in life.
No matter what anyone thinks or says about you. So can stand fearlessly in your truth and finally heal
Abuse can start big but not always…
Verbal abuse can also rear while quietly disguised
It starts with a little remark about your voice, how you look, or your opinion about something. At first, it seems like almost nothing… A jibe that doesn’t contribute any value or guidance about behavior or lack of one… No, this is entirely different… It’s an off-handed comment, an affront, and someplace deep inside it feels like a cold-born attack.
You’re the person who’s just been verbally abused. And oftentimes, verbal abuse is so casually, or off-puttingly made, your mental floss does a double-take.
It can be worse when the person’s a true manipulator.
https://readmedium.com/covert-tactics-manipulators-use-to-control-and-confuse-you-f78c6e3713f7
Because whenever it happens, it’s either unexpected or wishfully shoved into a dark corner as a new or repeated hurt. Or laughed away to banish it to the thorny thicket of unresolved pains.
How verbal abuse happens
If a part of you wonders, “Am I being abused”? It’s possibly a sign of numerous events.
We’re talking about the not-so-obvious. (Not the non-physical acts that do not involve throwing or busting items, pushing or shoving.) When someone’s dialogue or speech sounds demeaning, derogating, manipulative, or outright controlling.
Or a common reaction you may experience after you’re told you’re being passive-aggressive.
Inspired interactions are meant to be mutual. As when you say how you feel about a situation, it is not condoning somebody to mistreat you.
And it’s perfectly fine to make a gut check.
Introspection during the most challenging times or even afterward is a sound way to gauge your well-being.
How do I know? It’s happened to me.
My truth
I’ve recently been in an abusive relationship. Matter of fact, by a phone conversation where I mentioned I’d need to reschedule something due to a prior commitment. I was told I had no respect for the person’s time when the person had not been reachable for several weeks.
While it’s not been easy for me to self-admit…
After plenty of soul-searching, I had to do what I am asking of you: Have a heart to heart with myself and ask the tough question:
Why was I allowing this individual to place their shortcomings onto me (the psychological expression of projection)..?
And that’s what it was…a way for them to lay fault. When the only thing that happened was my attempt to maintain a healthy relationship (albeit, foolheartedly, I admit, yes).
These kinds of moments can happen across a range of situations from personal relationships to the workplace.
How to pinpoint verbal abuse
I want to take a moment and say something few of us want to do.
Verbal abuse is not a form of love. Ever. It is a means of control. If you take nothing else from reading this, you should believe that no one should try and make you feel insecure or inferior.
You are worth so much more than that.
How do you know it’s happened?
Abuse can rear in any of these forms:
(It should be noted none of these are by any means exhaustive.)
No communication, silent treatment
Your thoughts, ideas, or suggestions go unacknowledged, but the person does it so they’re either inconsistent…Or you don’t know if they were intentionally deliberate.
Insults that appear subtle
What the person really does is share their downright put-down or backhanded compliment.
Sulky or often in a dejected mood
As if they do not already have ways, possibly, to make the relationship tenuous at best.
Leaves work or tasks incomplete
Their commitments go unfinished. (And these are often the short-term ones). A fast solution after you’ve spoken up about it is to revise the task’s timelines, maybe, or bring on someone else who can help.
Interrupting
Not allowing any other viewpoint in a discussion or raising the voice (or muttering under the breath) to express theirs is important.
Angrily dismissive
As an instance of passive-aggression because frequently, they are the aggressor still in need of controlling the situation.
Hardheadedness
She or he will defy your viewpoint to frustrate, exhaust, or disrupt your interactions at the workplace or communication in personal settings.
Blocking or opposing
The individual quite literally tells you to “Shut up”, or stop talking altogether.
All the above may also surface as a lighthearted comment or as a joke…You may notice they’ll increase over time, and that they’re always aimed with precision.
It may also not be possible to distance yourself immediately and setting boundaries doesn’t always work either. You have to reinforce how you will not condone mistreatment. Or guess what? It lingers.
And asserting yourself doesn’t have to mean you are a jerk or a witch. It is setting the ground rules that will eventually lead to a healthier you.
How to stop a verbal abuser
Don’t continue to give them a way in.
- Quit giving rational responses.
Yes, deny accusations, if you feel the need. Forego explaining yourself or your reasons: By not doing so, you maintain your power.
- If you don’t, you let them circumvent their onus, and drink their perfidy of Kool-Aid. (Am not kidding here, because, by that point, they have already won.)
How did I resolve the abuse my abuser subjected me to for months?
I stood my ground. And if you do the same, you can wrest free from yours, too.
The single action to do when you feel you’re under attack:
Say your truth -
- “Did you just say XYZ..?” Or, “I don’t agree.”
- “Do not raise your voice”. Or perhaps, “I do not accept being ordered around.”
- “Stop, right now.”
While therapy can help to work through uncomfortable experiences, simply taking moments to self-assess can help sort how to personally address potentially untenable situations.
Find a safe place. To think or plan your assessment of your situation. If you are not in a place you believe is safe, there’s help through online destinations.
And remember…
Of all the people God made He decided on you. The apple of His eye. Give yourself the love He intends and make certain you always know your truth.
You’ve been through a lot, now it’s time to heal.
Let the truth (what’s important to you) be your GPS.
Speak up when you need to.
Also know you don’t have to engage with someone and to always practice self-love.
And how can we love one another, if we don’t first, understand how to love ourselves?
