Bad Writers Are Like Bad Lovers

The similarities between poorly crafted prose and unskilled bedmates

It stands to reason that the best writers also make the best lovers. I don’t mean the ones who like to write but are too lazy to hone their craft or the ones who churn out as much low-quality content as they can to make a little dough.

I’m talking about the writers who have a passion for their work, who have a knack for it, and who are always considerate about making sure the reader is having a damn good time.

Good writing can bring you to a state of orgasmic bliss. The most powerful prose has the potential to take your breath away or make your belly do a backflip. It leaves you fully satisfied, and also a little excited for your next encounter with that particular writer’s huge…talent.

On the flip side, bad writing can leave you frustrated, thoroughly unhappy, and aching for writers who know what they’re doing.

The very worst writing leaves you feeling nothing at all. That fatal, unfeeling poison of indifference will kill any potential author/reader connection before it’s even had a chance.

If I invite a man into my bed and he gives little thought to my own pleasure during the course of events, it’s a safe bet that I’ll be feeling nothing at all. I’m going to leave that sad attempt at lovemaking not wanting to return. I might even just up and quit right in the middle of things, if it’s really terrible.

There sure are a lot of fun comparisons to be made between lackluster blogging and disappointing sex. So, in the spirit of multitasking self-improvement, here’s a few tips that can apply to both your writing life AND your sex life.

Consider your audience

Once upon a time, I had sex with a man who had an orgasm. And, during the entire extent of our coupling, I didn’t even come close. After he was satisfied, he did nothing to make sure I felt the same.

Well, technically, that wasn’t once upon a time. It was more times than I can count.

Some writers are of the school of thought that it’s best to write for yourself. Have no concern for your audience and be true to your art! I get that logic, to an extent. It’s often satisfying, fun, and cathartic to get your words down. If we enjoy that process, we truly are writers.

But what about when you want someone else to actually read your work? That’s when the game changes.

It’s fine to be the only one getting off if you’re masturbating. It’s actually highly encouraged and can lead to better partner sex when you practice what brings you pleasure on your own body. But what if you want to do more than journal for therapeutic reasons or practice your craft? What if you want to affect your audience and connect with readers? Well then you have to consider content, word choice, organization of ideas, structure, cutting unnecessary wording, etc.

If you want to do more with your blogging than just jerk off your writing muscle, you have to care about how you present to a potential readership.

Size doesn’t matter (that much)

It’s not about having the biggest…words. For the general reading community, there’s no reason to go full-on Moira Rose and set up the need to further elucidate on twenty-buck terms that will only serve to obfuscate readers and derive unnecessary vitriol…

See how much it sucks? It’s not the size of the word, but the readable, conversational tone that counts. Unless your in the word-nerd niche and are aiming to help fellow word nerds expand their vocab. In the right context, a big word can be lovely.

On a similar note, don’t be concerned about wanting to create super long blog posts. And don’t get too worried if you think an article is too short. Let the story take as long as it needs, whether it’s a fun three-minute quickie or a big, long post that keeps the reader riveted the entire time. Variety is great.

Style does matter

As a writer, do you painstakingly agonize over word choice? Do you carefully consider each and every sentence and obsess over changing words like “this” to “the” and then back to “this” again because they convey — however so subtly — a different tone and feel?

Like a good lover, good writers will take style into account. If you’re going down on a woman, the last thing you want is to make it mechanical. Don’t just crank it out so you can get the job over with. That kind of sex gets boring fast. A good writer understands there’s an art to stringing words together. It’s the art of expressing your unique voice, and it takes work, care, and a sincere effort.

Quality over quantity

In sex, it’s not about racking up all the one-night stands you possibly can (though they certainly have their advantages).

With your long-term partner, it’s not all about how often you make love.

And as far as go-power, it’s not about how many minutes/hours you can last.

It’s all about what happens during that sweet, sweet lovin’.

That sounds a lot like blogging to me. It doesn’t matter if you put out content every single day or multiple times a day if it’s all just garbage that no one gets anything out of. Don’t cut out quality for the sake of quantity.

And don’t pad blog posts with unnecessary content in the hopes of keeping a reader glued to the page longer. Be ruthless in your cuts and make sure you aren’t giving your audience more than they need or want. The last thing you want is a bored reader. Or lover.

You get better with practice

This is absolutely true for both sex and writing. I know, because I used to be terrible at both. Taking courses for my creative writing certification helped me develop my skills beyond what I was able to teach myself. Also, the more I wrote, the less I feared that blank page. Do everything that helps you improve. Take courses, read the best books on the craft, and also, work that creative muscle of yours.

Though I’ve studied a whole lot of literature on sex, watched videos, and spent countless hours practicing, I’ve never taken a sex course. I think I’d get a real kick out of that, so it’s definitely on my to-do list.

Don’t skimp on the detail

There’s nothing quite so monotonous as lazy, half-assed sex. When it’s just the old in-and-out with no attention paid to my most sensitive parts, no foreplay, no build-up, and no substantial or real pleasure to speak of — it’s not worth it. The same can be said for a rushed blog post that has a lot of words but nothing real to say.

A bad ending can wreck the whole thing

There was a connection from the very start. The conversation was titillating, the flirting was exciting, and the little innocent/not so innocent touches here and there sent shivers down my spine (and other areas).

We get back to his apartment, and he’s amazing at foreplay. By the time the sex begins, I’m going berserk, wanting him inside me as quickly as I want to tear through the paragraphs of an incredible book or blog post. But I make myself be patient. I want to enjoy every part of it so I don’t miss out on anything. I’m almost there…and my expectations for the big finish soar.

Only the big finish is a dud. He was great throughout most of it, but the big climax turns into the big anti-climax. Sometimes a guy goes limp due to performance pressure. Sometimes he gets too excited and jackhammers away clumsily while I get bored and feel nothing. Maybe he has an amazing time of it himself, but the end leaves a lot to be desired for his partner.

Don’t throw away the ending of a blog post. It’s important to really bring it home.

There’s a Japanese word I love because I relate to it so deeply: kaizen. It means “change for better.” Kaizen can refer to any improvement, large or small. If you’re just starting out, even the smallest improvements will help you along your journey. If you’re the best of the best, don’t forget that there’s always room to improve. And your readers (and lovers) can tell when you’ve stopped trying.

Happy writing. And happy lovin’.

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