I Miss the Unconventional Pleasures of Working from Home

Still bemoaning the loss of a private bathroom

Nothing is perfect, am I right?

It’s in our nature to pursue happiness in every area of our lives. We often struggle to figure out the best fit for our unique, individual situation. The right school, the right relationship, the right Internet provider, the right avocado...

You get the idea.

Career is no different. As we gain more experience or our situation changes, sometimes we learn that the path we’re on is no longer the best fit, and so we shift and work to adjust. A big career change takes blood, sweat, and tears, but the hope is that it’ll all be worth it in the end.

For me, making the switch from freelancing at home to working for a company in an office full time was something I needed to do. I wanted room to grow past a certain level in my career development, and I needed to be able to better support myself and my family.

But there are still things I miss about those four years at home. There’s the usual working in yoga pants and having the freedom to arrange my own schedule. There’s the lovely morning commute — on foot, from my bedroom to my home office. These are some of the most appealing advantages.

But I want to dig deeper.

Let’s examine the less commonly talked-about luxuries of working from home.

Not sharing a bathroom

It’s funny how quickly I learned the complexities of sharing a bathroom with business professionals.

As I was slowly onboarded, I was left to stumble through figuring out essential work processes through trial and error.

This was definitely not the case with corporate public bathroom etiquette.

My first week, my team of writers (all women) openly complained if other women in the building broke the bathroom rules.

I learned that you must always leave a buffer stall between you and someone else if that is an option. You must never pull your pants down too far —heaven forbid someone you work with knows anything about your underwear situation. Don’t engage in bathroom talk with a colleague — not even outside the stalls. “How are you?” is okay, but don’t go any deeper than that, even if you’re both about to go into an hour-long meeting together and talk each other’s heads off two minutes later.

And the worst offense of all? Don’t let anyone know you’re a human person capable of taking a shit.

Granted, my boss never complained to me about this like she did about seeing people’s underwear beneath the stall. I’m pretty sure there would be some sort of lawsuit involved if she went around doing that. This is more of an unspoken rule that I, for whatever reason, feel pressured to abide by.

I’m serious — you hardly EVER hear anyone pooping at work in the ladies’ room.

Some of my tricks? I’ll run out of there if someone’s in a stall and go find an empty bathroom, even if it’s on a different floor. I’ll literally wait in the stall until the person next to me flushes, washes their hands, and walks out the door. That way, they won’t know it was me! Or, my favorite go-to in a sticky situation — roll up a wad of toilet paper and throw it in to create some nice, quiet cushion.

Voila — as far as your team knows, you never shit!

I certainly miss the days of sitting in my bathroom for as long as I like, reading, being as loud as I need, and leaving the door wide open because no one’s home to judge. There’s a certain freedom in that. A light, beautiful freedom.

I’m serious — you hardly EVER hear anyone pooping at work in the ladies’ room.

Introvert time

At the request of a friend, I recently took a personality test at 16personalities.com. Results showed that I’m 51% introverted and 49% extroverted. I’ve gone through life being on the fence about whether I’m an intro or an extro, so this sounds pretty accurate to me. And I’ve often suspected I lean a bit more toward introversion.

Working in an office has proved this to be true. I do have the peace and quiet of my cubicle, but I have to be “on” all day, attend meetings, and talk to people a whole lot more than I ever had to at home. Then, when I do get home, everyone else is home too! I have to do more talking and listening, which gets to be a real challenge when my extrovert half is fully depleted.

I now have pretty much zero alone time, and it’s kind of driving me bonkers.

When I worked from home, I found myself ready to go out and explore adventures with friends after being on my own all week. Now, I just want to recover from a long week of extroversion by staying in and re-charging on the weekends.

Masturbation breaks

There’s only so much I can do when I need a screen break at the office. I can walk around the building. Climb stairs for exercise. Take a walk outside when the weather’s nice. That’s all good, but it’s not quite the tension reliever I need on the days I’m writing particularly long or complex pieces.

During my freelance days, I’d sometimes use masturbation as a way to re-energize and refresh my mind.

I’d move to the bedroom or the couch, relax my body, clear my head, remove my yoga pants and panties, and take anywhere from five to twenty glorious minutes with my vibrator. Two or three (or four) orgasms later, I’d be ready to attack a work project again, physically and mentally rejuvenated.

You can’t exactly rub one out in your cubicle whenever the notion strikes. I’ve read of people getting kinky and masturbating in the bathroom at work, but I’ve decided this is not for me. I mean, I work in the most conservative bathroom culture ever. I’m too terrified to even take a shit in there — unless it’s a noiseless shit. Because if you take a shit in the bathroom and no one hears it, it didn’t really happen.

Cursing at the screen/singing

When working at home, it wasn’t unusual for me to express my frustrations verbally. A loud, angry “What the fuck is this fucking bullshit?” would go a long way for my mental health when trying to decipher the chaotic ramblings of an ultra-creative editing client.

Now, I have to settle for mouthing colorful stress relievers silently and shaking my fist at the screen. No one in the office freaks out, but the healthy outlet has lost its oomph.

Likewise, I can no longer dance around the room. Or fart. Or sing whenever I want.

I enjoy doing community theater, but I’m no longer able to practice my audition pieces in the middle of the day. And even when I didn’t need to practice for an audition or rehearse a role, I’d often sing or practice my guitar for a mental break.

It’s so helpful to switch activities and use another part of your brain when you’ve been at one long and grueling mental task for hours. All I can do now is go for a walk. Or maybe find new and creative ways to quietly sneak a poop.

Likewise, I can no longer dance around the room. Or fart. Or sing whenever I want.

Exercising and bathing during work hours

There’s a theme here. Most of the things I miss revolve around what I used to do during breaks to rev myself up for another burst of productivity. Running outside for a few miles was another one of my favorite ways to re-energize during the workday.

I’d often work for a few hours in the morning, then go for a run when the mid-day sleepiness hit. After my run I’d be so pumped, ready and raring to tackle more work. With the location of my office and the need for a shower afterward, running outside during my workday just isn’t feasible now. And I certainly can't take a nice shower afterward and walk around the office naked to air dry.

Chase your happiness

If you’re lucky enough to enjoy these delightful and oft unexpected work-from-home luxuries, don’t take them for granted!

Of course, my office job has provided a long list of other advantages I appreciate, like stability, making almost twice as much income as I was, health insurance, retirement, yearly cash bonuses for simply doing my job, and 30 days of paid time off a year (which rolls over if you don’t use it all).

These benefits certainly aren’t exclusive to working for someone else. Freelancers and entrepreneurs can have all these things and more, but I didn’t have the discipline or skill to make it happen for myself in those four years.

The way I see it, every situation has its ups and downs. Find what works for you, and, if something stops working like it used to, don’t be afraid to chase your happiness.