27 of the Best Jokes to Brighten up Your Day
If you’re looking for a reason to smile, these jokes are a great place to find one
Everyone loves to laugh, these are some of the funniest and most laugh-inducing jokes I have ever come across.
Disclaimer: hilarity-inducing text ahead. You have been warned.
My wife dressed up as a policewoman last night and told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. Thirty seconds later she told me that all charges had been dropped due to a lack of evidence.
A bank clerk slipped out early from work and found his wife in bed with the president of the bank. He went back and told his co-workers in the ledger department: “That was close, he nearly caught me.”
“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is that a common condition?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual…”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why else? Because someone was walking towards it, and it didn’t want to break social distancing rules.
Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order: 4 5 6, 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
A guy’s Tinder bio is as follows: “I have a corner office with regular views of the entire city, I drive a £500,000 vehicle, and I’m paid to travel.”
He nets a date, and his date asks him what it is he does. “I’m a bus driver,” he says.
A man woke up in hospital after a serious accident and shouted: “Doctor, Doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied: “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms.”
An invisible man married an invisible woman and they had two kids. Unfortunately, they never got to see them.
Two cows called Daisy and Dolly are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“You’re joking,” says Dolly. “No bull?”
“No bull,” says Daisy.
A man says to his friend: “Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.”
“What do they call you after?” asked his friend.
“Ugly and poor.”
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives.
A man went into a butcher’s shop and asked for a pig’s tail. The Butcher smiled and said, “Once upon a time there was this pig…”
Two male friends were getting changed together, one says to the other: “How long have you been wearing that bra?”
The other replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
A teenage girl brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. The girl’s mom says, “He seems a nice boy.”
“He really is,” says the daughter, “he’s even doing 500 hours of community service.”
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shitzu.
An elderly father asked his son if he could borrow a newspaper.
“Father, this is the 21st century,” replied the son. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”
The spider never knew what hit it.
A brain walks into a bar and says the following: “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please.”
“Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” said the bartender. “You’re out of your head.”
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
A man says to his friend: “Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player.”
“Why not?” asked his friend.
“Because love means nothing to them.”
A man says to his wife: “I finally decided to sell our vacuum cleaner.”
“What, why?” exclaims his wife.
“All it was doing was gathering dust.”
A man asks a doctor: “When you die, what part of the body dies last?”
The doctor replies: “The pupils. They dilate.”
A man asks a skydiving instructor if he needs a parachute to make a jump: “No,” replies the instructor, “I only need a parachute if I want to jump twice.”
An English literature student says the following to his friend: “I came up with a new word yesterday.”
“Oh yes, and what is that?” asked the friend.
“Plagiarism.”
A hairdresser says the following to her client: “did you hear the joke about coronavirus?”
“No,” said the client, highly intrigued.
“That’s too bad, I would tell you, but I don’t want to spread it around!”
A man says to his wife: “Why do they call it the novel coronavirus?”
His wife replies, “It’s a long story…”
Last but not least, the “greatest” joke of all time
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson and said: “Watson, my dear fellow, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “Why, Holmes, I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that, my dear fellow?”
“Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”
Holmes replied: “Watson, you idiot. It means that somebody has stolen our bloody tent!”
That’s all from me, thanks for reading, and if you enjoyed this you may also enjoy the following:
Twenty-Six Killer Comebacks to Nasty Remarks
The Ten Craziest And Most Death-Defying Stage Acts Of All Time
How the Word Pussy Came to Mean a Cat, Cowardly, and Female Genitalia
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