SATIRE|FICTION

Avatanic II: Way Too Much Water

The sequel to the crossover that no one wanted

The briefly-awaited and little-requested follow-up to the epic, family adventure of a generation:

It took a few months, but the beleaguered Titanic II survivors eventually adjusted to life on Pandora. The crash of the ship had kickstarted Rose’s survival instincts and she found herself spending an increasing amount of time in the jungle weight-lifting.

While Pandora technically lacked gym access, with the help of the Avatar protagonist, Jake Sulley, and a little ingenuity, they eventually fashioned a bench press from tree stumps. And while the 6-legged thanator that stalked the jungle didn’t take too well to this at first, with time, Rose found in the shimmering, alien tiger creature a surprisingly good friend. Additionally, the relentless predator made for a stunningly nimble boxing partner.

Rose was in the best shape she’d been in since age 104. Though it had been nearly a year since the other human invaders were here last, Rose and Jake Sulley knew that the day would come eventually when they would return. They bonded over their shared understanding of humanity and its cruelty. Over time, they grew to love each other. And while it was difficult for Jake to get past Rose’s advanced age, he found that it was easier still than falling in love with the native Na’vi.

“Seriously, what was I thinking?” Jake said as he swatted a mutant, hovering jellyfish in frustration.

“The heart wants what the heart wants,” said the white-haired, dual marine disaster survivor consolingly.

“Those F***ers are literally 8 feet tall and have tails. This is what I get for deleting Tinder.” Jake struggled to contain his disgust.

Rose, too, admittedly had a challenging time finding a love partner in the tail-clad, blue semi-giant that was Jake Sulley. But with time, she saw more and more that she loved in that bug-eyed, extra-terrestrial face. Within Jake’s Andre-the-Giant-height-avatar body was the vivacious young partner Rose lost when her beloved Jack sank with the Titanic.

The love affair between Jake Sulley, the human turned blue giant, and Rose, the aging supercentenarian and now two-time-Titanic survivor, created its share of tensions within the Na’vi community.

Neyitri, the wife with whom Jake shared three mutant babies, felt understandably betrayed by Jake’s new love interest. Divorce within the Na’vi community was no simple task. For a species of jungle-dwelling, loin-cloth-wearing, bow and arrow-equipped warriors, the separation process was impressively bureaucratic.

“Now I just need you to sign here, here and, uhm, here,” explained a studious looking Pandoran as he went over the end of a thick contract. Neyitri scowled at Jake from across the makeshift wooden table sitting deep within the jungle. Jake wore a sheepish grin as he signed the contract with his hulking blue arm. “Great. Now I just need you two to both commune with the tree of Eywa and then this divorce should be as good as finalized,” he explained, removing the glasses from his thoughtful face and placing them on the table.

Just then, a colossal crash battered the earth so loudly that it spurred a series of tribal chants from the nearby giant smurf village. Both Jake and Neyitri knew just what this meant. They leapt from the table and ran toward the source of the sound. And as Neyitri sprang suddenly toward her bow and arrow, Jake saw a familiar passion in those gaping wide alien eyes and couldn’t help remember why he’d first fallen for her.

As they reached the forest’s edge, they saw their fellow Na’vi and Titanic survivors furiously readying themselves for battle. The preparing combatants sharpened spears, prepared arrows and boarded miniature flying dragon creatures. “Those things still kind of terrify me, lol,” said Jake.

Even with the fighting equipment of early hunter gatherers and their quasi-phallically-bonded dragons, they mustered frustratingly little resistance in the face of the space-aged United States military. The colossal sound that echoed through the Pandoran forest splattered from a nearly city-sized flying ship that anchored itself in a large sea at the jungle’s edge. “What dicks!” said Jake.

Standing on the bow of the poorly parked ship was the militarized, now-martian Miles Quartich. He stood facing the army of preparing Na’vi and shouted, “Come on out, Jake Sully, we don’t have all day!”

“Wait. I thought I killed him. Why does he get to be blue now, too!?” said Neyitri with righteous indignation as she aimed an arrow toward the returning antagonist.

“Damn, I seriously don’t know why this dude hates me so much,” said Jake earnestly as he put his face to his palm.

“Fine then, we play it my way!” said the now-blue and very much still alive Miles Quartich as the warship began opening fire on the verdant jungle. But as the overpowered military might of the army with a quintillion dollar budget began vaporizing trees with its laser beams, a resounding battle cry could be heard from above. Atop the vine covered stump of a fallen tree stood Rose, a bow and arrow in hand.

She double front flipped from the tree in a truly remarkable feat of athleticism and landed on the jungle floor with a fist pounding heroically into the earth. She looked toward Neyitri and Neyitri toward her. With a subtle nod, it was clear that they had greater battles to fight than over Jake Sulley’s love interest.

A barrage of arrows rained down on the colossal warship. But for a metal alloy that could withstand the likes of space travel, it faired shockingly poorly against the army of flying fish-riding, arrow-shooting, ululating blue people.

After ten minutes of battle and a painstakingly held strong man stance atop the now-sinking ship, Miles Quartich beckoned Rose and the Sullies to come battle it out in the water with him.

“Sir, do we have to fight on a sinking ship?” Jake Sulley obliged kindly. But Miles only stared blinkingly back at him. If he found an objection to Jake’s proposal, he struggled to voice it.

“I get that it’s climactic and all… but there’s plenty of room to battle it out here… y’know… on land?” Jake pressed the issue.

But the military commander stood there on the sinking ship with knives in each hand and said something that was now half-drowned out by the rushing torrent of water surrounding him. “If… battle… taking you with me!” was all Jake could make out. An explosion could be heard from within the ship now.

“Sorry, could you repeat that please?”

“… Then I’m taking you with m — ” he belted once more. But just then, an arrow sliced cleanly through his neck as he struggled to finish the sentence and fell climactically into the Pandoran waters. As he sank beneath the surface, he gurgled out epic final words. This, too, went unheard over the churning metal of the flaming shipwreck behind him, however.

“Nobody messes with Rose,” said the gilded aged woman as she relaxed the grip on her bow and cracked aging knuckles. Pandora had lived to see another day.

To be continued… in under 13 years.

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