SATIRE
Is Facebook Wasting Our Time on Purpose?
Part III: Uncovering the secret of Amelia Earhart and a lobster funeral
Algorithms are everywhere. Lately I’ve been trying to do my part and learn about just how these advanced computer calculations are effecting my life. But the truth is — computers are complicated! Technology is a lot sometimes, even for a strapping young millennial like myself. So maybe if I can’t actually understand algorithms, I can at least see what they have to show me, right? So take me away Facebook — show me your mysterious ways!
I decide to begin again with the videos on Facebook Watch. The first video that comes up is called, “The fate of Amelia Earhart REVEALED.” The title doesn’t give me a lot of hope. According to the video, a team of researchers determined that some bones found on an island near where Earhart was said to have gone missing were about the right size. The video goes on to speculate about those final hours of the famed pilot.
The island where the bones were found is known for its coconut crab infestation. I hadn’t ever heard of coconut crabs before, but I’ll just say now I have one more reason to be afraid of the ocean. And uncharted islands. Coconut crabs grow up to a meter in length and can weigh nearly ten pounds. They’re so agile that they can even climb trees and snatch birds. In teams, they make easy work of whatever animals are unlucky enough to wander onto the island.
The video builds a compelling case that Earhart’s last hours were terrifying. They allegedly found freckle cream, which she was known to have worn frequently, at the site where the bones were recovered! If she survived her plane crash, it’s possible she spent those final few hours being stalked by ravenous crustaceans and desperately fending herself off with the empty remains of a freckle cream container. Now that the mystery of Amelia Earhart has lost some of its magic, I’m on to the next video.
A man decides he’s going to age a steak for an entire year before eating it. After the year has gone by, we watch as the man cuts open the crusty, crusty cut of meat. It looks inedible. Judging by the unambiguous wince on his face, it doesn’t smell great either. But this alleged chef and now-verified bad friend proceeds to cook the meat and serve it to his house guests. Unsurprisingly, the inedible-looking meat is not edible. On to the next video!
This video features a man providing commentary on people’s body transformations. He looks oddly as though he’s been asked to do this as a part of some sort of challenge. His commentary has this strange sort of TikTok feeling to it, but he’s most certainly not doing this for TikTok. “Wow, that’s awesome,” he says to the man losing weight in the screen beneath him. He seems visibly caught off guard by the beginning of each new video of whatever compilation it is that he’s watching.
“Look at that. This is amazing,” he says to the next woman on her weight loss journey. His comments seem warm-hearted, but they have this unmistakable captive energy to them. I think I saw him look fearfully off-camera for a second. “That’s crazy. Definitely very good work,” he says to the next heavyset man immersed in a sweaty workout. His words sound kind and supportive but his eyes scream, “Help me!” I think some craven bastard is forcing him to analyze weight loss compilations against his will.
“Should I call someone to help this guy?” I wonder to myself as the next video begins. This one is a clip from the show Catfish. I should have never watched those TLC clips last week!
Okay now I’m captivated. How is this a real show?
The first guy catfished a former friend of his as a long drawn our revenge scheme. Can you believe that!? This is getting so spicy that I have to google whether or not Catfish is scripted. Apparently it’s not!! The video is called “6 awkward Catfish meetups 😬” you know what — I don’t feel misled. But each awkward meetup is longer than the previous and this video is 36 minutes long; I’m not sure I have it in me to stomach this much Catfish in one sitting. I’ll watch one more awkward meetup and then I’m out of here.
This clip’s protagonist told a woman that she “means the whole world to him,” but didn’t actually mean it!! How scandalous.
Shit. That was #3 of the 6 most awkward meetups. What kind of person would I be to not stick around for the 2 most awkward meetups of all!?
Update: #2 is a letdown. They’re both who they were supposed to be, so this excerpt of Catfish features no catfishing! What a letdown. Turns out, he’s just engaged. Boring!
So the #1 most awkward catfish meetup, you ask? It’s not very exciting either! The woman concealed her pregnancy to the guy she’d been talking to — and I’ve just wasted 36 minutes of my life watching Catfish! But luckily, now you don’t have to. Be sure to tip your waiter! On to the next clip.
This is another one about the coconut crab! Wow, small world. Remember him?? The video’s called Epic Lobster Vs. Coconut Crab Battle. The title is a bit of a misnomer. The lobster gets absolutely crushed without landing a single blow. To call it a battle is very generous. But what takes place next is nothing short of fascinating.
A funeral ceremony is held for the deceased lobster. Each crustacean attendee is wearing a traditional white garment of some sort.
They carry their fallen lobster comrade in a casket that appears to be made from chopsticks and half of a take out rice container. Music plays proudly in the background — I want to say the song being sung is Mandarin Chinese, but I’m no linguistic expert. This one needed to be seen in order to be believed, so enjoy this photo of a lobster funeral. Courtesy of Mark Zuckerberg.
On that note, I’ve had enough Facebook for the day. Until next time!
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