Attachment Styles 101: Getting Out of A Toxic Relationship And Into A Healthy One

This is the singlehanded concept that radically changed the way I viewed relationships and sought out partners

Attachment styles, what are they? Simply put, an attachment style is the way we used to relate to our primary caregiver (usually a parent, but could be a caretaker, a significant figure in our life, etc) during our early stages of life. This theory is based on the study done by Mary Ainsworth called the strange situation. In this study, children and their mothers were brought into a natural setting in a laboratory. They had a moment to play with their mom in that setting, and then their mom left the room. The way the baby responded to their mother’s absence is the way we deduced 3 of the 4 attachment styles. Here are the children’s responses to their mothers leaving the room:

• Secure attachment: the mom left the child, and the child was sad for a short period of time. When the mom came back, they were excited to see her.
• Anxious attachment: the baby was visibly distressed when their mom left and was inconsolable when she came back.
• Avoidant attachment: the baby didn’t care that mom left, and didn’t seem to care when she came back, either.

Although the disorganized attachment style was not studied in the primary study on attachment, it is recognized as a fourth attachment style (the rarest type) and is typically described as a mix of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles.

Now that we’ve got the background, why does this even matter? Aren’t we adults now?

Yes, that’s exactly the point.

Typically (not always, but usually), the attachment style we had as a child proves true to the attachment style we have today.

What? We aren’t a child? Who are we attached to?

Aha! That’s the catch. We have now transferred our attachment from our primary caregivers onto our current/past/future partners!

(For the purpose of this article I will stick to anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment style).

Anxious attachment children turned adults might;

• Get upset/jealous when their partner makes plans with friends
• Want to spend every second with their partner
• Be sensitive to other people questioning their relationship
• Be a people pleaser
• Have a fear of abandonment
• Get angry when their partner doesn’t answer their texts for a few hours
• Would rather talk out an argument right away
• Does not like distance/seeks closeness
• Gets attached quickly/moves fast

Avoidant attachment children turned adults might;

• Like to take things slow
• Not get attached quickly, or at all
• Would rather take time apart in a fight
• Have trouble showing their emotions
• Would choose distance over intimacy
• Be overly independent
• Be scared of commitment
• Seek distractions from their current relationship

A disorganized attached child turned adult might;

• Push people away, and once they leave, seek closeness
• Need space after a fight sometimes/need closeness other times
• Attach quickly, then seeks distance out of fear of attachment
• Not talk about their feelings
• Have a hard time trusting others
• Have unstable relationships/friendships

How do I know what attachment style I have? This is not a paid ad, but a link that I found really helpful in determining my mix of attachment styles. A lot of websites give you one, which is great, but you are usually a mix of all attachment styles, to different degrees and intensities.

Once you know your attachment style, please note that this isn’t just you. Securely attached people exist but seem to be few and far between in today's world. For those of you that aren’t, I’m willing to bet there are more like you than those unlike you.

So, what does this have to do with my dating life?

Now that you know your attachment style, can you think of how this can relate to a past or current relationship you’ve been in? Can you see a pattern in yourself or in the partners you choose? Most likely, you’ll be able to. And that’s exactly what we’re looking for. Once you’re able to pinpoint what style you have, what it means, and the ways it shows up for you in your dating life, that’s when you can change it, and stop attracting toxicity into your life.

Here’s what I want your takeaway to be from this article; what your attachment styles mean in the present, and what they stem from.

TW WARNING: The following contains mentions of abuse/neglect, mental illness, and trauma. If this is a sensitive topic, you can end the article here. If you are interested in reading on, none of this is intended to be harsh, but more of a clear and quick explanation of summarized studies on this topic.

What your attachment style means;

(I want to reiterate everyone’s experience is different and might have discrepancies in the specifics of what they mean to you, but here is a generalized meaning behind each style)

• Anxious and avoidant: they both stem from a subconscious fear of abandonment.

It is very likely all of these memories were shoved into your subconscious as a child and hearing this doesn’t ring a bell. It is also possible you do remember moments as a child that made you feel like you weren’t seen, heard, cared for, loved, appreciated, etc. All of this can be incorporated and pieced together to cause different attachment styles. In anxious attachment, common triggers are; not being taken seriously, not feeling seen or heard, your partner making plans with others often, not being intimate, etc. What this means is when someone with an anxious attachment style feels this from their partner (even if their partner isn’t purposely behaving in this way) they will feel like they once did as a child and will crave closeness to soothe their hurt. This is because parents of anxiously attached children were probably inconsistent, neglectful, had a mental illness which impacted their parenting, or any event to which the child was not fully seen and heard in a way that was soothing to them in their developmental years.

Avoidants, on the other hand, will have the opposite triggers. They will get triggered when their partner wants too much closeness, when they hang out too often, when they share too much or get too close. This is because they have learned that if they get too close, share too much, or let people in, they will be judged, and ultimately left. Avoidantly attached people typically had parents who didn’t pay close attention to them, may not have seemed to care, wouldn’t talk about their own feelings or struggles, or made their child feel shame for experiencing their own feelings. It is estimated that in today’s world, roughly 30% of people have an avoidant attachment style.

You see, both of these attachment styles are rooted in the same basis (I am not good enough, they will not truly love me) and so we seek out partners and existing behaviours in ways that will avoid what we need so deeply, to have our needs met. But if your needs weren’t met as a child, it is likely you seek the same people who cannot meet your needs, since you haven't been modelled relationships that are any different.

Disorganized attachment style is a bit different. Usually (not always, but usually) it is rooted in significant trauma. What this means is that there is usually an event/person/people that can be pinpointed in their past that can explain why they have the attachment style they do. It is most likely that this stems from generational trauma, i.e. their parents experiencing trauma which is passed onto their children through abuse/neglect of the child. People with this attachment style gravitate between both anxious and avoidant, at different times. It is possible their childhood involved situations where they were physically or mentally unsafe, where their parents weren’t the “parental figure” they needed, and where they had to navigate the world on their own. This can lead to fluctuations in closeness and distance from the parent, and confusion in the child.

In conclusion, you have now learned the basis of attachment styles and where they come from. What can you do now? Learn more. Learning what attachment style you have is the first step, but moving from a toxic relationship to creating a healthier one takes action. There is so much research on this topic and many books, podcasts and articles made specifically for your attachment style. It is important you begin to learn what your triggers are, where they come from (how they make you feel and why), and then take small actions at a time to try and change your responses to these triggers. Hey, I never said it would be easy, but what I can guarantee you with absolute certainty: it is worth it, because it works.

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