Looking for Grandma’s Teeth in the Septic Tank
It’s a Shitty Job but Somebody Has to Do It
Since my husband taught school, we didn’t have excessive amounts of extra money. Actually, I didn’t really understand the concept of extra money — but that is a different topic. To support his first income, he pumped septic tanks after work, weekends and summers. He repeated whenever the opportunity arose, “I don’t know which is the shittier job, teaching or pumping sewage.” He really cracks himself up.
I suppose when you split your days between taking crap off teenagers and then removing crap from large, underground containers, a sense of humor becomes a requirement for sanity. In the past I have shared stories of his teaching adventures, many I never shared prior to his retirement because I feared he would lose his job if anyone knew the stunts he pulled. (I mean, how many teachers can brag they locked a student in the trunk of a car? I digress.) However, the experiences on his second job leave me shaking my head.
Grandma Lost Her False Teeth
My stomach felt squeamish, my nose scrunched up and I gritted my teeth when he told me about the old guy who offered him 100 dollars extra if he could find grandma’s teeth when he pumped the septic tank.
“You have got to be kidding?”
“Nope! They fell off the edge of the sink into the toilet bowl. Before anyone noticed they were gone, she flushed the toilet. I was surprised they didn’t get stuck in the drainpipe.”
“Did you find them?”
“I couldn’t believe it but yeah, I did.”
Randy proceeded to describe (in too much detail) the sludge at the bottom of the tank and how the hose jerked in his hands when he heard a dull thunk and a hiss. Something was plugging the pipe, so he pulled it up to look only to discover it smiling (almost mocking) his frustration. Grandma’s false teeth smiled from the opening of the tube!
When I asked why the man wanted them back, he informed me bleach can clean anything. Let’s leave it at that!
(Randy did not accept the extra $100.00.)
The Wife and I Don’t Use Condoms
Though there are many memorable stories, (I may share later if you clap for this story.) the floating condoms still prompt a giggle.
If you don’t know anything about septic tanks, here is a brief lesson. Homes not connected to public sewer have a large 1500-gallon concrete tank buried in the backyard connected to a field drain. All wastewater (clothes, dishes, toilets, etc.) drains into this holding tank. Then as the solids break down the fluids channel into the leach lines in the ground and dissolve. (Yes, that is the truth. Where did you think that shit goes?)
Every few years, preferably every 3, (When people wait much longer, I am supplied with more humorous stories.) the system must be emptied. When the pumper truck arrives, a man (or woman) digs a hole to uncover the concrete lid. It is about the size of a trashcan. Using a logging chain as leverage helps to remove the covering.
On this particular day that our story occurs, Randy stood beside the septic tank with the owner of the property, a father of two teenage daughters. With the contents exposed the customer looked down and asked, “What are those?”
“Condoms.”
“The wife and I don’t use condoms.”
End of story.