10 Scenarios Demonstrating Why I Should Not Substitute
My Wife Wants to Keep Me Out of Jail
It wasn’t long after I retired that a teacher friend, called to ask if I would substitute for him. My exact words announced my reception to the idea, “I would rather crawl through glass naked.”
Now don’t get me wrong, I loved teaching, enjoyed the kids, and felt rewarded. But the invitation to walk into somebody else’s classroom with students I did not know sounded painful. During my 30 years of teaching, I pretty much had seen it all and that chapter of my life closed the day I received my first retirement check.
However, as I thought about substituting, I began daydreaming about the possibilities. I thought about the things I had always wanted to say to disrespectful students. Visions of students’ mouths hanging agape at a sarcastic retort made me laugh. The knowledge that nobody could fire me offered a safety net that made me chuckle. When I mentioned to my wife that maybe I could sub, she quickly squelched the idea.
As I attempted to explain my thoughts, Brenda abruptly interrupted, “If you really think that subbing is such a great idea, let’s make a list of how you might respond to situations.”
I accepted her challenge and as she listed annoying student behaviors, I told her how (as a substitute for a day) I would respond.
Brenda: What would you say when a student walks into the classroom tardy, and nonchalantly sits down with the grace of a buffalo?
Me: I would welcome her, “Glad you could make it, but the extra beauty sleep is not working for you. Go home and get some more rest.”
She started keeping score. -1
Brenda: What would you say to the first student who asks, “Are we doing anything today?”
Me: “We are going to eat pizza; I was just going to order it with a side of strippers.”
Shaking her head she wrote. -2
Brenda: How would you respond if a student asked to retake a test?
Me: I would answer, “You can’t fix stupid.”
Her smile faded. -3
Brenda: What would you say if a student forgot their book and asked to go to their locker - even after you posted a reminder announcing books were needed? (She knows me too well!)
Me: “Well, you are not smart enough to read the sign on the door so I don’t expect you will find much success with the book. Don’t bother.” -4
Brenda made a heavy breathing sound; I am not sure if she suppressed a laugh or a cry.
Brenda: As a sub, if two boys stood up and started talking in the back of the room, what would you say?
Me: “Quit playing pocket pool and get to work.” -7
When I pointed out she miscounted, she said that response deserved 3 negative points.
When a sinister grin appeared on her face, I braced for something difficult.
Brenda: “How would you react when a phone rings in class.”
She addressed my Achilles heel.
Me: “Do me a favor, will you? Tell your mom I’ll be coming over late tonight.”
And then, mostly to see my wife’s reaction, I explained the second time a phone rang in the same period (and one would), I’d calmly walk over to the student, confiscate the phone, pick up the largest, hardest object in the room and smash the phone into minuscule pieces. -12
She started adding by multiples of five. Brenda pointed out that since my response caused a negative score maybe we should stop this game and simply resolve that me substituting is not a good idea.
I begged her to give me a couple more chances.
Brenda: If a young lady in the front row is dressed inappropriately, what would you do?
I wanted to begin my rant that there is no such thing as a dress code anymore in public education but stopped myself.
Me: “I would ask her if her mom knows she dresses like a hooker?” -17
Brenda’s eyes got big and she exclaimed a little louder than she meant to, “They might not be able to fire you but they might arrest you. We are done here.” She left the room to prepare dinner.
I remained sitting, thinking about interactions with students in the classroom. Then a memory flashed of a past experience.
Several students stood talking about their tattoos. When I walked near, they asked if I knew where John’s new ink was on his body. They all looked towards his crotch.
My response, “No,” and I walked away.
If I subbed now, I know the perfect line, “If you can’t do anything else with it, you might as well hang jewelry on it.”
When I shared this thought with Brenda during dinner, we both laughed so hard we choked. However, when she caught her breath she said, “You’re not going to sub.”
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