Assertiveness When You’re Nice

Having the right amount of assertiveness ensures that others respect you while you hold your ground. When you’re nice, it can be hard to remain assertive, as people may think you are a pushover.

However, what people think about you and what you know about yourself may not necessarily correspond.

Warning Signs of a Pushover:

1. You struggle to get your point across.
2. You talk in garbles and people don’t understand the point behind it.
3. People tune you out.
4. People half-listen to your speech before walking away.
5. You say “yes” to everything, even when it hurts you….and others take advantage.
6. People interrupt the middle of your sentence and start talking over you.
7. You people-please all the time.
8. You take time out of your personal home life to accommodate the needs of coworkers, outside of work hours.
9. People say you’re too quiet/timid.
10. You don’t comment on critical issues or provide unique insights to a group.
11. You get overlooked.
12. People expect you to follow them always.
13. You wanted to influence an outcome and those people refused to, making you angry.
14. You complain a lot to people who cannot fix the problem.
15. You feel helpless most of the time.
16. You don’t take initiative or responsibility.

Maintaining Niceness:

1. Niceness is not total agreeableness. You don’t have to say “yes” to everyone all the time. You don’t have to agree with everyone’s opinion because that’s what you think others want to hear. You have your limits and so do they.
2. Niceness is kindness. It is showing compassion for someone when the times are tough (such as the death of a loved one) but remaining firm and supportive along the way.
3. Niceness is walking away from toxic people. If someone is draining your energy, you need to drift away from them. These are people who don’t have your best intentions.

Ways to Boost Assertiveness and Still Be the Good Guy:

1. Introspection and reflection of how others reacted to you. (Did they cut me off mid-sentence? Was it because of the way I framed my language?)
2. Concrete goal setting (Are you doing this for money? Are you doing this to take control? Are you working towards a specific job title?)
3. Body language analysis/journalling. (Keep a daily log of general instances where this occurred; look for common themes).
4. Stand upright. Look people directly in the eye. Project loudly. Speak simple sentences. Don’t garble, ramble, etc.
5. Notify people directly about your intent. (I was speaking about this topic before you cut me off. Is there an issue that you have with this topic? What can I do to not let you wander off like that?)
6. Use positive language. Don’t complain or ruminate on something.
7. Do your homework and gain prior research on the topic. Preparation begets confidence and support for your opinions when people dismiss you.
8. Practice with someone you trust. It may not be natural for you, but it may be natural for others.
9. Opt to voluntarily take on tasks that allow you to work with different people.

Overall, while it’s not easy to be assertive, it is possible and it is within reason.

For more recent articles from the author, please visit: