You can’t handle the advice Dept.
Ask Granny Mary: Call Me “Wrinkles”
She’s dead, she’s wise, and you are neither
If you have a question for Granny Mary, put it in the comments or email to askgrannymary at gmail. Let’s look at the mail!
Dear Granny Mary, I’m 101 years old. I’m thinking of getting Botox and filler for my face wrinkles to gain a more youthful appearance. My husband said there are other areas that could do with a touch up also. Do you know what he is implying? I don’t. — Signed, Call me “Wrinkles”
Hey there, Call. It’s hard to know what your husband is talking about because there are so many possibilities. What parts of you aren’t decrepit or wrinkled? Your eyeballs? Your perineum? You must be one random act of entropy from losing a limb at the Wawa. Maybe, ask your husband for more clarity. Remind him that he has a 101-year-old ball sack, and if he wants to talk wrinkles he can just get in fucking line.
Meanwhile: You are 101! Or, rather, one-hundred and one??? I can’t help thinking that’s part of the problem. Being old is hard! I mean, I’ve never done it, so good on you, but — is it maybe too hard? Being one hundred and one means that you have to deal with a husband who is of a similar age, and, honestly, Karl was stripping my gears at sixty.
Here’s what I’m saying: Have you thought of maybe not being one hundred and one? Not being one hundred and one is pretty sweet. Many fewer worries. For example, I am not one hundred and one, and not a single one of my friends has had their husband say anything shitty to them about wrinkled pudenda. Consider it!
Dear Granny Mary, what do you think of the Doom and Gloom millennials who whine because they can’t buy a house at the same time they whine that we will have destroyed the earth by 2030? — Thanks, A Very Reasonable Adult
Dear Very, thanks for this timely and not at all ageist question. There is a logical inconsistency in being miffed about not being able to buy a house and also worrying about the impending doom of the planet. If a post-apocalyptic “society” is going to rise, who needs a house? Renting should certainly become more affordable in the Smothering Sand Wastes of what used to be Ohio.
Still, as you have implied, the larger problem is the unhappiness of the Doom and Gloom crowd. They need to learn the lesson we all learned early on: the only way to be happy is to lower your standards. If that doesn’t work, lower them more.
The Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius pointed out that “the problem isn’t you don’t have a house; the problem is you want a house.” It’s extra powerful because Aurelius was a Roman Emperor and in no danger ever of losing his house. Thus, he could write from a place of safety and unbiased wisdom, much like the selfless billionaires during our own time. Honestly, it’s almost a form of altruism.
The problem isn’t that the D&G crowd can’t afford medical care, it’s that they want medical care. The problem isn’t the D&G crowd are buried by debt that could be measured in nautical tons, but they don’t want to be buried in such debt.
The problem isn’t the D&G crowd is going to endure forest fires, water wars, species extinctions, and famine at an unprecedented scale; it’s they would rather not endure forest fires, water wars, species extinction, and famine at an unprecedented scale. I’m sympathetic. We all have our ‘druthers.
If the D&G crowd could just learn to not want these things, the selfish, entitled grown adolescents that are our adult kids could be happy and peaceful. Maybe they will become service-sector wage slaves, but they will be happy and peaceful service-sector wage slaves.
So there’s your answer: the problem isn’t that the whiney generation is doomed, it’s that they wish they weren’t doomed. If they could just get over themselves, there would be a lot less gloom.
We’re not kidding! If you have a question for Granny Mary, put it in the comments or email to askgrannymary at gmail.
Thanks to BOFace, Carol Lennox, and Toni Crowe for brilliance and honor.
