Summary

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has partnered with Swarthy Balls Corp. to provide complimentary testicular tanning services at airport security checkpoints, a move that has been met with both support and skepticism.

Abstract

In an unexpected move that has been hailed as a public relations win for the TSA, the agency has introduced Testicular Tanning Facilities at major airports. This service, provided at no additional cost to travelers, will be integrated into the existing security scanning process. The Swarthy Balls treatments, as they are called, use Infrared and Infergreen LiteBrite Tighty Whitey Treatments® to tan the testicular area, claiming to exploit quantum technology to bypass clothing. Tex Tyler, CEO of Swarthy Balls Corp., defends the treatment against concerns of inclusivity and medical efficacy, asserting that it works on both literal and metaphorical levels and is not limited to individuals with testicles. The initiative is controversially presented as a solution to a so-called "testosterone drought" and is touted to enhance virility, despite the CEO's reluctance to make direct medical claims due to regulatory constraints. The treatments will be mandatory for all travelers, with Tex Tyler citing freedom as the rationale for the lack of an opt-out option, supported by a no-bid government contract.

Opinions

Tex Tyler, CEO of Swarthy Balls Corp., believes the Swarthy Balls treatments are a revolutionary approach to enhancing masculinity and are inclusive, even metaphorically applicable to women with "testicular fortitude."
MuddyUm, the interviewer, expresses skepticism about the necessity and inclusivity of the treatments, questioning the logic behind mandatory tanning and the implications of equating darkness with virility.
Tex Tyler dismisses concerns about racial implications, asserting that the treatments are about tanning lighter skin and are not related to Critical Race Theory or racism.
The article suggests a satirical tone, highlighting the absurdity of the TSA's new initiative and questioning the scientific basis and compulsory nature of the Swarthy Balls treatments.

Swarthy Balls for All

TSA Will Tan the Testicles of All Travelers!

Rare good news from airport security

“Real men tan their testicles,” says Tex Tyler (Image by Author; Photo by Drew Dau on Unsplash; Scan from TSA PD)

In a rare PR victory for the Transportation Security Administration, security checks at airports will now be combined with Testicular Tanning Facilities at major airports across the country.

Beginning on the first of the month, travelers who go through TSA scanners will receive, at no extra cost or inconvenience, Infrared and Infergreen LiteBrite Tighty Whitey Treatments® directly to their — excuse the technical term — lap.

Having some questions, MuddyUm contacted Tex Tyler, CEO of Swarthy Balls Corp., based in Tyler, Texas.

MuddyUm: So, are you asking people to get naked in the security line at Logan Airport?

Tex: No. No. No. Of course not. The Swarthy Balls treatments exploit the multi-dimensional quantum leapfrog effect to project light from the device directly onto the testicular epidermis, completely bypassing the pants and undies of travelers. It’s like how you can not get wet in a storm by avoiding the raindrops. That’s how it works for people.

MuddyUm: And by people you mean men?

Tex: What?

MuddyUm: Presumably this only works for people with testicles.

Tex: Well, gosh. That’s pretty exclusionary of you. Who are you to judge? You’ve never heard someone say about a fierce woman? “Holy cow, she has some balls on her!” Like, in the movie Aliens. When Vasquez fires the explosive rounds in the room with the fuel stores even though she was ordered not to? Whew! That girl had testicular fortitude! What? You don’t remember a brief scene from a 36-year-old movie? [coughs]

Anyway, sure, you could say that’s only metaphorical, but the genius of the Swarthy Balls treatments is that they work on every level, including metaphorical.

MuddyUm: And what is the purpose of this?

Tex: You must have heard of the testosterone drought plaguing our population.

MuddyUm: First of all, I’m not sure you can be plagued by a drought. Maybe many droughts, but not a single drought. Secondly, I have heard about it. So you’re saying the Swarthy Balls treatments will help with that?

Tex: Yes. In the poetic sense. I can’t make any medical claims because of the Tyrant Fauci. But with my MBA, I’m fully credentialled to deploy figurative language in any way I see fit. So, yes, in poetic terms, the Swarthy Balls treatments will solve this drought. Tanned balls obviously have more testosterone. Because of the alliteration.

MuddyUm: So, black people have more testosterone than white people because their balls are more, um, tan?

Tex: No. No. No. I said “tanned” balls, not “tan” balls. Of course white balls that are made darker are more virile than balls that are darker from birth. Don’t you know anything? Gosh, why does everything have to be about black people. Is this Critical Race Theory? I’m not racist. I don’t even see color.

MuddyUm: Except in balls?

Tex: What?

MuddyUm: Finally, Mr. Tyler, is it possible for folks to opt out of this Swarthy Balls treatment when they go through security? It seems like the scanner and the Swarthy Balls treatment are fully integrated.

Tex: No, sir. This will become absolutely mandatory. Because freedom. You will not impinge my freedom to inflict my abominable bullshit upon you. I have a no-bid government contract that says so.

MuddyUm: Thanks for chatting.

Tex: May you have swarthy balls, ma’am.

And there you have it. Coming to an airport near you.

Special thanks to Amy Sea for suggesting I swing at some low hanging fruit. And to Nanci Arvizu for the edit and encouragement.