As a Woman Named Karen, I Demand the Use of My Name as a Derogatory Meme be Stopped Immediately

May I speak to the manager, please?

OK, so I live in lovely Carmel Valley. Maybe you saw Big Little Lies, set in nearby Monterey. Yeah, I have it pretty good. At least, I had it pretty good. Until this Karen meme came around.

My name is Karen McKay.

I am not a privileged white female. I’m a self made real estate investor. Well, I did have a small loan of less than a million dollars from my parents to get me started in the business of owning fabulous real estate in and around Carmel Valley. Well, it wasn’t so much a loan as it was a trust fund.

But do you have any idea what a pain in the ass these trusts are to deal with? Why couldn’t my parents have just given me the million dollars straight out? I don’t know, something about taxes, I guess.

Anyhow, the point is, I’m embarrassed to be called Karen now. I mean, what does this meme signify — everything I hate: white supremacy, entitlement, and basic bitchiness.

I am not that. I don’t think the white race is superior. Nor do I think I’m entitled to anything — except my name.

What gives these memists the right to appropriate my lovely name? Were real women named Karen consulted in this matter? Did anybody bother to inform us that we might want to file some papers for a name change as the shit is going to come down soon? That would have been nice to know.

Now every time I introduce myself to a client or a colleague, they get a strange look of condescension in their eyes.

“Nice to meet you…Karen,” they say, emphasizing the “cunty” part of the word Kuh-aren.

I guess that’s what the Karen meme really signifies, isn’t it — cuntiness?

I happen to be one of the least cunty people you will ever meet, ladies and gentlemen. I do spiritual work at the yoga center in town. I chant. I went on a retreat once and didn’t speak for five whole days.

I drive a Tesla. Alright, yes, it is the expensive one. But I’m doing my part to save the planet.

Why must my name be associated with cuntiness? And how long will this Karen meme last, do you think?

I mean, memes don’t last forever. I remember one meme, about a decade ago — the Sad Keanu meme. Who remembers that any more?

I do not have the “can I speak to the manager” haircut

Any more.

I mean, it is uncanny that the predecessor to the Karen meme had a haircut fairly similar to my own:

Yeah, it was pretty great, I have to admit. That haircut made me feel powerful. I probably summoned a few managers myself when I wore that middle age Mom long bob.

But in the end, I decided to go for sexy over powerful. This is the haircut I have now:

That’s right, I’m not fucking around any more. Me and a bunch of other Karen’s are pretty pissed and we are going to start breaking things. Hell yeah, I was around when punk rock was a thing. True, I was listening to disco but I got some Sex Pistol in me, bitches.

You really want a few thousand angry Karen’s burning down your local Target?

Didn’t think so.

So how ‘bout you just cut it out with the Karen memes ‘kay? There are plenty of other cunty sounding middle-aged female names you can use. Trudy, for instance. That sounds pretty stuck up and middle-aged. Or how about Nancy? Or Pam?

Why does it have to be Karen? Huh?

Alright, that’s it. I’m calling 911.

“Yes, my name is Karen and I’m being attacked by the internet! Can you please make it stop? Thank you!”

Alright, internet, the cops are coming to arrest you because I told them to. And they listen to me. Know why? Cause I am a Karen! That’s right, take back the word!

I am a Karen, hell yeah! A Karen named Karen. You got a problem with that?

Didn’t think so…

©️ Christine Stevens 2020

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