As a Parent, Sometimes (Often) Our Child Is Our Greatest Teacher

My 10-year old teaches me yet another lesson in parenting.

“Mom’s home!” My oldest calls out as I enter returning from work.

He greets me with a hug. We talk. I hear about his day. It’s lovely and comforting. However, his brother remains absent.

My youngest is curled up watching television.

Seemingly innocent.

I’m hurt.

Forty minutes earlier, he called me to see if he could go on electronics after completing his schoolwork. I informed him that I’d be home soon, “let’s chat first, please.”

Earlier in the week, he and I had an agreement: no electronics on school nights. I learned after our call less than an hour earlier, he checked in with his dad and had been given permission to watch a show.

Again, all seemingly innocent — why the hurt?

My internal dialogue felt thought that after giving up 10 hours in my day for the family, my child couldn’t wait for one for me.

On top of that, my husband undermined me. We have a rule, that we never undermine each other’s parenting in front of the kids and we discuss expectations and differing opinions independently to come to an agreement.

That’s why I was hurt. But, that’s all about me. It’s a limited perspective and arguably an unreasonable one.

I can see that — when I step back.

As my parenting style rolled, it became a priority for my child and me to talk.

“We spoke 40 minutes ago and had a plan. Why weren’t you okay with waiting until I got home?” I asked.

“I didn’t think you’d be home so soon,” he responded.

“Right now, I feel disrespected. We had an agreement and I feel that you didn’t like what I said, so you talked with dad to get the answer you wanted,” I shared.

“I told dad everything you said and he said I could watch a show,” my son informed me.

I tried to not let my frustration with my husband become apparent. Later I learned that what my son expressed and what my husband had heard were different things. I should have communicated my expectations directly to my husband and I hadn’t. That’s on me.

“Our actions can have an impact on others and I need to be accountable, too. I should have let you know that I’d be home soon. I think that may have helped. And, I should have let you know why I wanted to talk with you in person before going on electronics,” I explained.

“I thought when you wanted to talk that meant I was in trouble and I didn’t understand why. I did all of my work,” my son shared — being completely reasonable.

“You’re having an awesome week. I wanted to ask you why you are so motivated to do your school work when a rule is set out that takes something away from you,” I stated curiously.

“It helps me focus,” he states clearly.

“You know, dad and I see that in you too. You’re not in trouble. Having rule like no electronics during the school week isn’t about being in trouble, it’s a set out to help you form a healthy habit. And, having a conversation is just that — a conversation. It’s important we talk.”

“I know. I should have just waited,” he reflected — taking responsibility.

“Why it’s important for us to check-in in person, is that I think it might help you do your better work. I am concerned, that if the rule is once you’re done with your work, you can go on electronics that you might rush to get things done and not form the healthiest of habits along the way. Is that fair?” Not wanting to assume, I inquire.

“Yeah. I’ll want to finish quickly and I won’t do my best work,” my son shares with complete honesty.

“So, do we have a plan on how we can better work together to form these healthy habits?” I ask and he agrees. “Why don’t we check in with each other too, in case something not working for either of us,” I add.

Uncertain if this conversation “stuck” — later I learned that my son shared our conversation with another parent (his friend’s mom):

“I need to get my work done and make sure I do a good job, then it’s okay for me to watch a show.”

Takeaways

A 5-minute investment in time can provide clarity.

Asking questions is a gift — and always being open to hearing the honest answer is something to treasure.

Parenting is an emotional journey. Hurt, anger, and disrespect will surface and we need to be accountable to ourselves and the humans we are raising.

We need to be honest.

Respectful.

And, always ready to learn.

“It helps me focus” is a wise perspective from a 10-year old. Understanding what helps us focus is a valuable lesson.

As parents, sometimes (often) our child is our greatest teacher.

Recommended readings:

Alexa Rae Kramer provides numerous insights on how “one little life is having a not so little impact”:

Michele Maize reminds us of the value of stepping into our children as she just experienced during a recent trip to Disneyland:

Mom first in everything I do. Career in local government. Writer somewhere in the mix. Join me and gain access to unlimited stories on Medium (using this link, I earn a small commission at no additional cost to you). Thanks for your support. It means a lot!