ELECTRONIC SATIRE

Are You Tired of Reading Your Emails?

Don’t fret! I can read them for you!

My name is Joe Reed and I read for a living! This used to be my business slogan. My slogan was so catchy I might as well have turned it into a jingle.

But it annoyed me when people called me Sleepy Joe because some guy named Joe is notorious for allegedly sleeping while supposedly working. I hated it because my job barely allows me to sleep. This name-calling almost buried my business. I was losing my clients fast. I was losing my sleep over it — or what’s left of it.

That’s why I had to devise a clever slogan — I’m Joe and I’m wide awake! It may not be catchy anymore but it’s catching me a shedload of clients in this insane business. In your face, Sleepy Joe!

Need someone to read your Inbox because you’re busy? I got you, mate!

Need to check your Spam because you’re lazy? No problemo, Señorita!!

Need someone to respond to those emails promptly because your life is short? Sorry, I don’t do that, homie!!!

I’ve been ghosted enough by my loved ones that I invented this radical business out of pure dismay. I only read. I don’t respond — ever. With this unique skill, I’m on my way to becoming the next — next Zuckerberg.

How do you know I’d let you know everything you need to know from your Inbox? You don’t. You’d have to give me the benefit of the doubt. How do I know which of your email needs your attention? I don’t. I go with my gut. To let you live a carefree life, I’d tell you about emails only that deserve your attention.

If I’m honest, my gut can often be terrible at identifying emails that need your attention, let alone your response. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my experience, it’s that some responses are better left unsent. There’s nothing more satisfying than ghosting someone who’s dying to see your name pop up in their Inbox — or in Spam.

I’ll leave it to you though — if my gut thinks I should. You’ll see how trusting my gut can liberate you.

Trust is essential in this business. You’d have to trust me to have your email password. You’d have to trust that I keep your confidential emails safe. You’d have to trust me I update you about your emails — once a month at all costs.

You need my expertise to read elusive emails.

Four months ago, one of my important clients Rob was robbed of $9 million by his stepdad Lincoln. A month later, I found out Lincoln had sent an apology email — for using force on Rob. I discovered his moving email was somehow moved into Spam. Rob said, “If it weren’t for you, I never would’ve checked my Spam. I never would’ve gotten closure, Reed.”

It’s my moral responsibility to make my clients content, if not happy.

I read hundreds of thousands of emails a day for hundreds of clients. It’s safe to say I don’t miss an email.

I charge $6 to read an email, $18 if it’s found in Spam, and $46 for my monthly report to you.

I hope my sales pitch email convinces you enough to become my next client. Wait! How do I know you’ve read this email? Check your Spam before your Inbox. That’s like email checking 101.

Don’t ghost me!

Let’s talk more. Reply “I AM DYING TO BE YOUR CLIENT (all in CapsLock) (along with your phone number).” I’ll FaceTime you.

Happy living,

Joe Reed

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