NUN FICTION
You Should’ve Told Me You Were Really a Nun at the Halloween Party
Did you think it was nun of my business to know?
Dear Sister Agnes,
Three nights ago, six hot girls in nun costumes attended my stepsister Megan’s Halloween party at 9 p.m. As soon as I saw those girls, I couldn’t help but flirt with all of them simultaneously and individually. All of them flirted back and rightly so. At least I thought all of them did.
Because, in hindsight, you — you were a rebel at that party. You pushed me away when I approached to kiss you.
Your exact words were:
I’m a nun and I’m here for fun. I’m not interested in anything to do with you. Please stay away.
It occurred to me that you were playing your nun character quite seriously, which made you hotter than the other 5 hot girls hands down. It was a good thing I knew reverse psychology. It was a bad thing you didn’t know reverse psychology.
Being a gentleman, I decided to stay away from you — for twenty-six minutes. If I’m being honest, you were too hot to handle. The hotter the girls around me, the more nervous I get. And I make them nervous, too.
After a lot of contemplation, I came to a conclusion that you were out of my league any hour of the day, which tempted me to approach you again — to harmlessly flirt with you.
But you said:
Are you stupid? I asked you to stay away.
In all fairness to me, I was pretty drunk even before all six of you entered the party. In all fairness to you, you did tell me you’re a nun. In my defense, you should’ve told me you’re a nun — twice.
I’m sorry. Who am I kidding? You should’ve mentioned that to me — thrice. Not only because I was drunk but also because there were 5 other girls in nun costumes who genuinely flirted with me.
When you said you were at the party for fun, how was I supposed to know what your idea of fun was? I thought fun, as in, you get drunk and do unsanitary things with strangers. Now I suppose fun, as in, you attend the party so you could prank innocent gentlemen like me? I’m still speculating.
What kind of a monster do you think I am? Do you think I’d have asked you to flamenco dance with me if I knew you were an actual nun? Do you think I’d have flirted with you or tried to kiss you for that matter if I saw you at a convent?
Do you know Sister Kristen who worked at the West Virginia Penitentiary? I served my time there for a few years before the building was converted into a tourist attraction and filming location. I don’t know where she is now, but if you find her, you can ask her about my behavior.
In case you can’t find her, get this: My sentence at the penitentiary was reduced by 6 months because of my good behavior. Don’t talk to me about my behavior.
Megan told me you work at St. Peter Maternity hospital. Give me another chance to prove myself to you. Can I come and show you my behavior? Only if you’d like. No pressure.
I wish I’d been more thoughtful that night. I wish I saw what was obvious. Nun of my gratitude goes to the other 5 hot girls even though they flirted back. They should’ve chosen some other Halloween costume. They should’ve been more thoughtful. Maybe then I would’ve believed you when you said you’re a nun — the first time.
What happened that night is embarrassing and unacceptable. I feel I owe you an apology for my inappropriate behavior. You’ve been on my mind for quite a bit, only because you deserve my apology. I sincerely hope you forgive me.
Do you know what’s funny, Sister? Megan told me yesterday that you’re indeed a nun. Only the sixth time she said that, I believed her. And I was sober yesterday.
On that happy note, I’ll send this moving email.
Good day and God bless!
Respectfully,
Srini
P.S. Why don’t you and I go look for Sister Kristen at the West Virginia Penitentiary together? Even if she isn’t still there, it’s a tourist attraction after all. Let’s have “fun” while you watch me behave.