Are You Sure You’re Ready to Move In With Your Love?

7 things to consider before you move in with your partner.

The longest relationship I had was with the love of my life. We lived together for thirteen years; we were torn apart when a high-risk surgery took him from me. We were happy “till death tear us apart”. And we only dated for three weeks.

Now, almost seven years later, I’m in love again, experiencing a wonderful relationship. We are together for almost a year and I have no plans about moving in together with him, despite trusting that it will happen.

Two people deciding to merge their lives is a big deal, both emotionally and logistically. It should be done for the right reasons and with the right mindset.

There’s no such thing as a prescription for when it’s right to move in together. More than the calendar, other things should command your decision.

The wrong reasons to move in together

For me, the decision to share my life with someone in its full is based on several aspects, not only because of feelings (although those are, of course, the major reason.)

There are reasons that, despite being valid, shouldn’t be the core of your decision to move in together with your partner.

1. Necessity

This should be the last thing that motivates you, either is a financial or an emotional need.

If that’s your motivation, you can rent a room in a shared house or crash on a friend’s sofa for a while.

Deciding to share your life with someone can’t be a rushed decision, one based on temporary circumstances.

Although, this need of yours — whatever it is — can promote a deeper insight into your relationship.

Probably you will end up moving together with your partner because this temporary crisis showed you that, in fact, you want to take that step. But it will be a matured decision more than need driving it.

2. Financial reasons

If you’re struggling with money or wanting to save some, are the motivation for you to move in together, let me tell you’re doing it wrong.

Of course, sharing a house will benefit your bank account (in most cases), but it shouldn’t be the primary reason to do it.

Are you are willing to exchange your independent life to share it with someone else just for the sake of money?

The right reasons to move in together

Needless to say that being in love should be on top of the list. If you both have strong, rooted feelings for each other, it’s time to assess all the other reasons that predict the move is a good one.

1. You talked about the future

I’m not one to think much ahead in time. I’m happy with medium-term goals and dreams. But I don’t want to have more kids, I don’t plan to get married, and I don’t make plans for my future permanent home. So it’s easy for me to say that I don’t need to have “the talk” about the future. But that’s me.

Important personal milestones must be discussed before you move in together. If you wish to be a parent, if marriage is important to you, or you want to live abroad, you need to sit down with your partner and have a sincere conversation about it.

Big life decisions and goals shouldn’t be left out of the decision-making of living together. If something has the potential to be a deal-breaker, you better deal with it sooner than later.

2. You spent enough time together to know each other’s habits and annoyances

My boyfriend and I spend a lot of time in each other houses, sometimes for a week. By now, we know the other’s habits and we can list a few things that have the potential to annoy us. It’s impossible to find the perfect roommate.

I have clothes, toiletries and makeup, and my dog has toys and bowls at his house, the same way he has bits at mine. Still, and despite we get along very well, we’re not ready to take the leap in moving in together — we both cherish a lot our independence, our single personal space.

For instance, I’m staying at this place for the week, but yesterday I felt the need to be alone. So I took the advantage of having to go to my flat to receive a parcel and stayed there for a couple of hours. It felt divine.

I love to spend time with my boyfriend and we are very good in a shared space, however, we both love the fact that each one can simply go back to their personal space and be alone. I love (and need) my loneliness.

So, despite being important you spend time with your partner to learn their habits, routines and the little annoying things they do; you need to ask yourself if you’re ready to let go of your personal space.

3. You had the “finances talk”

Living together means you will share your expenses. Independently how you’ll manage the household budget — with a shared account or splitting the bills — you must have the “money talk”.

Not only you will have to agree on how the common bills will be paid, as you both need to disclose your financial situation.

It’s important to talk about salary, credit score, debts, credit cards, and spending habits. Are you a spender or a saver? Are you a compulsive shopper or a minimalist?

You and your partner don’t have to have the same approach to money, but it’s important to be clear about it for both of you find a way to manage it, not risking your finances and to avoid future arguments or surprises.

4. You learn how each other manages arguments and stress (and you cope with it)

I’m sure you’ve heard about the “honeymoon phase”. Despite I’m not a fan of what the expression implies (that there’s an end to a good phase), I agree that in the first couple of months of a relationship, things are easier between a couple.

To decide on living together, you should know your partner well enough, including knowing how they deal with stress and how they manage disagreements.

For instance, when I’m upset or stressed, I usually go silent. Being a talker by nature, my boyfriend recognises when something is upsetting me. By now, he knows he needs to give me space. Sometimes he offers to go for a walk with me to relax or gives me my headphones because he knows music has a powerful effect on me.

Also, with time, we learned how to deal with the things we disagree on. We sit down and talk — with active listening. We both hate drama and shouting, so we found a healthy and positive way to manage things.

It’s important you go through this process with your partner: to know how they react to a negative event, to stress and disagreements. You need to be comfortable with their ways.

Conflict-solution is a paramount skill — one you need to be sure you can cope with.

5. You both understand how your living space will be

Either is a new place you’re going to move in or one is moving into the other’s house, it’s important to be on the same page on how it will work.

I’m not referring only to the cleanliness standards (although those are important), but to how you will share the space.

For example, I now work exclusively from home. I have a part-time “real” job, and I’m a writer. Having a private, quiet space is fundamental to me. So, if I were to move in with my boyfriend, he’d have to make changes to his house.

It’s important to talk beforehand about your personal needs and preferences. You both need to feel comfortable and happy. Concessions must happen, and everybody needs to be ok with that.

Each relationship is unique in its dynamics and how they evolve. No one but yourself will know what’s the best for you. Still, there are indicators that will help you with your decision of moving in together with your partner.

If you do it for the wrong reasons or you do it too soon — before you both are ready — you’re risking to end a relationship with potential to work in the long term.

Take an analytical look into your relationship and how you feel about the idea of cohabitating with your love and then make a deliberate decision.

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