Are You Living a Life of Quiet Desperation? Not Sure? Then Read This.

You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge

Thoreau wrote, “The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation”.

I’m not going to debate whether a lot or most people live lives of quiet desperation or not, but we’ll agree that some people do.

What does a life of quiet desperation look like?

It’s living in denial.

You’re desperate for something better, something different but you’re not willing to accept that the life you were told will work isn’t working for you.

The blueprint you’ve been handed isn’t as claimed. You did what you were supposed to do — go to school, get a job, maybe get married, have kids, and move to the suburbs.

There’s a path that everybody before you has taken and from where you stand they seem to be making it. You’re on that same path, but it’s not fulfilling the way you thought it would.

You feel something is missing, but you can’t seem to be able to figure it out.

Where does this leave you? Where do you start?

You’re left clueless…so you refuse to admit it because you wrongly assume that you’re unable to put in the work to find an alternative path.

A lot of people continue to go through the motion — living lives of quiet desperation characterized by fear, anxiety, doubt, low self-esteem, worry, and resentment.

You lie to yourself and say if only I could make $1,000,000 or maybe for you, it’s getting a Bugatti or sending your kids to the best schools or signing them up for all the activities under the sun or becoming conceited and feeling worthy only when you can claim in some way that you’re better than others.

Don’t let that kind of life creep up on you

This lifestyle is so dangerous because it’s stealthy

There’s an urban myth that says if you put a frog in boiling water, it’ll jump out right away. But if you put it in a pot filled with water at a comfortable temperature and slowly but steadily heat the water, the frog will remain in there until it boils to death.

In the same way, a life of quiet desperation is one that gradually creeps up on you, and by the time you realize what’s happening, you’ve handed over control of your life and a lot of people wrongly assume that it’s too late or that the effort to jump out of the ‘boiling water’ is too great and there’s no point.

They ‘accept their fate’ and give up just like the frog in the boiling water but they remain uncomfortable and end up thrashing around all through life, lashing out at the people around them, at life, at the ‘system’, completely missing the point of life.

A life of quiet desperation happens when you’re not paying attention. It may seem like you got to where you are all of a sudden, but no it was a slow steady walk.

One way to not end up like the frog

is to become more intentional. Pay attention to life, to your life…be self-aware, and become an expert data analyst for your life.

Treat your emotions and your actions as feedback.

Let’s say someone has a skin rash with no known cause, they may be advised to keep a log of activities, what they ate, skin products used, sleep patterns etc to be able to hopefully figure out a root cause.

In the same way, if your life is producing fruits that you do not want, it’s only wise that you take the time to figure out the root cause and deal with it.

Just like no one will willingly accept a physical ailment without doing everything within their power to find a cause and a possible cure…in the same way, don’t just lie down and accept defeat in your life…there’s a process and nothing comes out of nothing so take the time to analyze.

The number 1 key is self-awareness

You have to take the time to examine your life, your desires, your motives, your heart, your actions, your emotions, your intentions, what triggers you, and what drives you.

Be a careful non-judgemental examiner of your life. No one can do it for you.

One major way that I enhance my self-awareness is by journaling.

Journaling for me goes beyond writing down what I feel or what I want or events. I take what comes out when I journal as raw data. It tells me what I’m thinking and feeling but I take it a step further and dig deeper to uncover why I feel that way, and the ways it shows up in my interactions in life and with others.

Take a deeper look at these things

** Past Experiences It’s important to be aware of the ways your past experiences have shaped how you approach life…Do you react to life or do you respond in a measured way?

Are you holding on to resentment? Have you created a worldview that’s not serving you?

This is not an invitation to live in the past but to take your past experiences as learning opportunities to understand yourself better.

Analyze the data, but decide to not let your past have control over your present or shape your future in ways that you don’t desire.

Accept your experiences, and reframe what they mean for your life. Don’t give your past any more power to shape your identity or determine your worth.

Instead, focus on how those experiences can be used for good not just for yourself but in helping others.

Remember: You have no power whatsoever to control the past, but you can decide how you shape your life moving forward. Don’t hold on to a story that isn’t serving you…you can write a new story.

It helps to process some of these with a therapist. If you’ve never had one, you should consider it.

** Your Habits Your habits are clues to what’s going on ‘under the hood’.

If you’re driving a car and it starts to make strange sounds, you’re not just going to leave it (at least I hope not), you’ll take it to the auto shop to figure out what the problem is, is it an engine problem, transmission problem etc

In the same way, your habits should serve as your cue to look inward.

For instance, say someone is trying to live a healthier lifestyle but they keep going back to old unhealthy eating and lifestyle habits…that’s not a cue to surrender in defeat and create a view of themselves as someone unable to follow through.

Instead, they could take it as a sign to dig deeper, into their underlying psychology around food, their identity etc do they stress eat? why? etc

Instead of just attacking the symptoms or worse throwing up your hands in defeat accepting a lie that you can’t do better. Take time to check under the hood…go deep to figure out the root cause and make necessary changes.

** Your Emotions I don’t think there are good or bad emotions but there are healthy and unhealthy ways of processing and expressing those emotions.

To be able to respond and healthily express emotions, it’s important to pay attention and acknowledge your feelings without judgment.

What triggers you? What do you feel when you wake up in the morning, and how does that change as the day progresses?

I take emotions as a cue for paying attention to how I’m processing the world around me and what I may be unintentionally absorbing from my environment.

** Your Wants and Desires I think this may be the most important.

Are your wants and desires truly yours? Do you just want it because of others?

A lot of the chaos and conflict we experience is because we desire things that are not aligned with our true values. Take time for introspection to discover what you truly think and what you truly want.

Otherwise, the pursuit of anything else and chasing ‘desires’ that are not truly yours will lead you to live a life of quiet desperation.

Don’t be too engrossed in the busyness of life that you’re unable to hear the sound of your own thoughts. Take some time away to be in solitude and quiet so that you can hear your own unique ideas.

Be deliberate…record what you hear during your quiet time of introspection, so that you can come back to it, again and again, to strengthen that voice and prevent it from becoming a whisper that soon fades away.

The antidotes to quiet desperation

Authenticity, Faith & Hope

Get to know yourself, your true values and desires, and dare to show up authentically.

Don’t live in denial…acknowledge the gap between your life as it is and your desired future…not desires based on external pressure but your internal compass.

Then live with faith and trust in the process of life and a hopeful heart that is expectant for life to happen for you and unfold in ways you can’t imagine as you daily show up authentically.

Live with hope and excitement for your future

Live with an open heart that is expectant because you know that there’s a lot more to you than what you’ve uncovered.

Life is like a treasure hunt, a gift that you get to unwrap daily. Be thankful and excited for every opportunity you get to be able to continue uncovering your life.

Wake up each day hopeful and excited about what you can discover about yourself, and what life has to offer and show you.

In what ways am I going to grow today? In what ways am I going to evolve? Who do I get to serve today?

Have faith and expect life to unfold for you in a beautiful and meaningful way.

One final word

Value yourself enough to take the time to evaluate and analyze the feedback from your life, but don’t condemn yourself to live a particular way. There is more to life than going through the motions.

Make sure you’re truly living and enjoying the moments that add up to make up your life. Follow YOUR OWN interests so you don’t keep running helter-skelter until you die of exhaustion.

Your actions and aspirations must be in alignment with the core of who you are. Accept your true desires are valid and let faith, trust and hope be your anchor because you’ll be faced with opposing opinions and ideas but those three will hold you strong.

You may not be able to control and change the world around you, but you can change yourself and that’s all you need to do.

You can evolve, you can unwrap a different part of you…but it takes work and intentionality.

Until the next perfect time ~ Deola

If you haven’t already, why not join Medium?

P.S. If you enjoyed reading this (or not), you may enjoy this 👇🏾

or this 👇🏾