Are You Competent at Caring for Your Fundamental Human Needs?

The answer to this question may surprise you.

If a newborn baby was somehow given only its physical needs — food, warmth, shelter — but no human interaction or emotional connection, it would grow up as little more than a wild animal.

I know, it’s repulsive to even think about.

My point, however, is that most people live in the space between getting none of their needs met and getting all of their needs met. And the distance you are from the upper end of that spectrum is precisely the extent to which you’re likely to behave like a red-assed baboon in the wild.

To avoid this embarrassing predicament, it’s a good idea to discover exactly what your needs are, how to take care of them, and what might be standing in your way.

Feelings and Needs

Needs speak to us through our feelings. If I feel sad, overwhelmed, or lonely, I’m given an opportunity to recognize an unmet need and deal with it appropriately. Maybe I call a friend, do something I love, or rest.

But if blithely ignore my feelings (the check-engine light of my soul) and power through life with chronically unmet needs, a very unsurprising thing happens. My nervous system says, Screw this! I’m definitely gonna get my needs met. Try and stop me. Because a hungry mouth won’t stay hungry for long.

This is where human savagery originates.

What Unmet Needs Look Like

Maladaptive coping mechanisms like codependency, perfectionism, addiction, self-harm, and narcissism form around unmet needs. This explains workaholics, chronic complainers, toxic positivity, and all manners of unsavory human behavior.

We’re all just trying to satisfy our needs, either consciously or unconsciously.

The important thing to know here is that, when we do it consciously, we have an opportunity to make healthy choices for ourselves. When we satisfy our needs unconsciously, however, we’re at high risk of just grabbing whatever’s easy, convenient, or within arm’s reach and stuffing it into the hole in our chest.

Sex, cookies, drugs, Netflix, wine, Instagram, exercise. Whatever. Just plug the damn hole, would ya?

What Even Are My Needs?

Most people haven’t the foggiest notion of the extent of their physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual needs. Here are the basics:

•Physical Wellbeing •Safety and Security •Connection and Belonging •Acceptance and Validation •Attention, Affection, and Appreciation •Freedom, Autonomy, and Agency •Space and Privacy •Peace and Solitude •Self-Love and Self-Care •Purpose and Progress •Honesty and Authenticity •Play and Joyfulness

When any one of these things is missing from my life, bad things happen to good people.

For example, if all my needs are satisfied, but there’s no joy or playfulness in my life, I quickly resort to thinking, What the hell am I even doing on this earth? Then I wanna self-medicate or do some off-the-wall shit to stir up some excitement.

Or, if everything is seemingly lovely, but I don’t feel safe and secure in my home, my job, or my relationship, I become an anxiety-addled mess and I wanna karate chop everybody then cry in the fetal position.

All the needs in this list are not “nice-to-haves.” Every single one is imperative to healthy functioning of the human organism.

I realize this may be shocking news to many people. If you’re such a person, I recommend taking a screenshot or printing out this list of needs as a reference. Tape it on your bathroom mirror or refrigerator. Learning to satisfy these needs in healthy ways will transform your life.

How do I Satisfy My Needs?

One method is to try to take care of all your needs by yourself. This is called independence, or in some cases counter-dependence, and is often a response to unsafe or failed relationships in our childhood.

We tend to praise “strong, independent people,” but truthfully, fierce independence is not all that healthy. Many people with an avoidant attachment style occupy this camp.

Another strategy is to get other people to meet all of your needs. This is called dependence and is equally dysfunctional. Those with an anxious attachment style often march to this drum because of childhood abandonment or sporadically unmet needs.

Codependence is almost indiscernible from dependence, and typically infects people of similar disposition. The difference is that codependency means trying to get my needs met by meeting your needs. It’s a clever, yet sloppy form of emotional blackmail compulsively used by people who are ill-equipped to get their needs met in wholesome ways.

Both dependence and codependence are socially awkward and painfully ineffective when applied to everyone in your life. But when you focus that unhealthy dependency on one person, such as a romantic partner or a parent, shit gets red-flag-ugly in a jiffy.

Emotionally mature adults cultivate the fine art of interdependence. These people are able to identify their needs and communicate them clearly. Their self-care game is top-notch, but they’re also comfortable satisfying their needs through healthy connection with others, including romantic partners.

Interdependence is not demanding, but mutually beneficial. It allows for boundaried and appropriate give and take.

Why is it So Damn Hard?

State your needs. Self-care. Healthy boundaries. Seems simple enough, yeah? So why is that shit harder than braille calculus?

First of all, it’s possible to graduate from twelve years of public education, get multiple degrees from prestigious universities, and not once broach the topic of your own fundamental human needs. I try not to be cynical if I can avoid it, but what in the actual f**k are schools doing if not teaching us to be functional human beings?

Secondly, look at your parents. Did they have you when they were seventeen? Finalize their divorce when you were eight days old? Yell at each other like complete idiots? Work twelve-hour shifts and leave you with a teenage babysitter?

Even if they were ostensibly adequate parents, do you suppose they learned any more in school than you did? Sure, they probably loved you very much and did the best they could with what they had. But there’s a strong possibility that your parents had no idea what they were doing.

Thirdly, trauma. At its core, trauma is an overwhelming experience of unmet needs that gets burned into your nervous system, along with the maladaptive survival strategies you used to cope.

Trauma teaches you to fear your feelings instead of feel your feelings. And people who cannot feel usually have a tough time identifying and taking care of their needs in healthy ways. Where there’s trauma, there’s always some form of self-abandonment and often addiction as well.

How Do I Fix It?

To address the three obstacles above, I recommend

1. Re-educating yourself
2. Re-parenting yourself, and
3. Working with a trauma-informed coach or therapist

There have never been more books, blogs, videos, podcasts, and educational resources about emotional intelligence and healing than there are today. Take advantage of those things and learn all the stuff they forgot to teach you in school.

Knowledge is wonderful, but it changes nothing until you apply it and begin practicing new, healthier, self-care behaviors.

Re-parenting yourself means focusing on getting your needs met in mature, appropriate ways all day, every day. This requires self-reflection, time, and consistent practice. And, it’s absolutely critical to emotional development and healing.

Trauma is a scary word, and it’s even scarier to deal with in real life.

Journey Through Trauma by Gretchen Schmelzer describes the healing process from both personal and professional experiences. It’s a good book to read before engaging in the most difficult task of your life. Also, The 4 Pillars of Healing and Growth is a short article that lays out sound guidance and additional helpful tools.

And when you finally get a strong sense of what your needs are and how to meet them, you’ll inevitably find humility and gratitude for the miracle of your life that’s pretty f**king fantastic.

Adam Murauskas is a relationship coach and Medium top writer. He and his wife Rebecca abandoned their careers and moved to Panamá in 2019 to pursue passions for helping people heal. Take a free relationship quiz at FixYourPicker.com or find daily content on Instagram @fixyourpicker.

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