Summary

The article discusses anxious attachment, its impact on relationships, and strategies for change.

Abstract

The article "What is Anxious Attachment and How Does it Affect My Relationships?" explores the concept of anxious attachment, a pattern that originates in childhood due to inconsistent or negative parenting experiences. Individuals with this attachment style often feel unworthy and seek external validation to fill a void, leading to a desperate search for love and a tendency to ignore red flags in relationships. The author, Adam Murauskas, summarizes attachment theory and outlines the behaviors of anxiously attached individuals, such as trying to 'plug' their emotional void with a partner. He suggests that changing one's attachment style involves a significant shift in self-perception and behavior, recommending self-improvement, therapy, and community support as means to foster healthier relationships.

Opinions

Anxious attachment is characterized by a deep-seated belief in one's unworthiness, leading to a compulsive need for external validation.
The author emphasizes that anxiously attached individuals may excel at initiating relationships but struggle with maintaining them due to their focus on fulfilling immediate emotional needs.
The article posits that no amount of love from others can compensate for an individual's negative self-view, quoting Dr. Vincent Felitti on the futility of seeking fulfillment from something that only 'almost works.'
The author criticizes the common behavior of anxious types who neglect their own needs and ignore incompatibilities in their desperation for approval.
Change is presented as a challenging but essential process involving intentional learning and practice, unlearning harmful behaviors, and altering one's self-perception.
Self-love is highlighted as a crucial starting point for healing, with the author advocating for therapeutic interventions, community support, and the application of knowledge to effect lasting change.
The article concludes on a hopeful note, suggesting that individuals with anxious attachment styles have a great capacity for love and can achieve fulfilling relationships through personal growth and healing.

What is Anxious Attachment and How Does it Affect My Relationships?

Recognize the signs in yourself and others

I’ve come to realize that dating with an anxious attachment style is much like trying to plug a hole in your soul by stuffing an entire other person into the throbbing existential gape in your chest.

I’ve experienced this personally, oh, say one million times, give or take. And many of my clients exhibit the same behavior.

I used to think, Why do I act this way in relationships? What the hell is wrong with me?

Well, after working with enough clients, the mystery has evaporated. Now the plight of the anxiously attached is painfully evident to me. But before I tell you this tale, let me break down attachment theory in case you’ve never googled it.

Attachment Theory in Thirty Words

Secure — I’m good. You’re good. Let’s share.
Avoidant — I’m good. You’re bad. I don’t need you.
Anxious — I’m bad. You’re good. I need you.
Disorganized — I’m bad. You’re bad. WTF?!?!

There is a book called Attached that explains all this in exquisite detail. It’s a great read if you’d like to learn more. Also, see Who’s In The Dating Pool? for more attachment theory fun.

However, I just summarized attachment theory in ten seconds. You now have a good enough lay of the land to better understand the driving forces of all human relationships.

The Hole

Anxious attachment begins in childhood when kids learn that they’re not worthy, good enough, or lovable.

Children reach this conclusion in a myriad of ways — inconsistent or shitty parenting, abandonment, abuse, neglect, or control. Even by someone literally telling them they’re bad.

There’s usually some form of abandonment, whether physical or emotional, that invariably results in self-abandonment. My family is not meeting my needs; therefore:

1. Something is wrong with me, and

2. I have to hustle if I ever want someone to love me

Once it’s clear that they’re a burden to humanity, the compulsive search for external validation is on!

Certainly, this happens in school, family, and professional settings, but what better way to permanently eradicate a gnawing sense of unworthiness than through romantic love?

This is what the proverbial knight in shining armor has been sent to destroy.

With the impossibly deep pain of childhood abandonment, no confidence in their inherent worth, and a chronic feeling of unmet needs, the anxiously attached person carries a void capable of engulfing innocent bystanders and random passersby like the gravitational force of a black hole.

The Plug

For someone with an anxious attachment style, usually their primary concern is that of urgently plugging the hole by any means necessary.

Imagine for a moment that you are suddenly butt-ass naked at a crowded street fair. You would probably grab anything to cover up your exposed privates — a pizza box, an old lady’s church hat, a stray dog. Literally anything. It just has to fulfill an immediate need.

Yeah, anxious attachment feels kinda like that.

Such people are quite adept at manufacturing love out of thin air. They can turn a first date into a honeymoon right before your eyes.

These are the super-boyfriends and super-girlfriends, willing to go to any length to demonstrate how indescribably wonderful and worthwhile they are. Purveyors of fairytales and fantasies, they are too good to be true.

The problem is, after they convince someone to love them, the hole has been plugged, and the mission is complete. Which is to say that anxious folks are strong starters. They’re good at getting a partner but not always skilled at the follow-through.

I just need you to plug my abandonment hole. I don’t know about all this healthy adult relationship stuff. I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.

They’re often just looking for someone to say “I love you” enough times to drown out the relentless voice of insecurity in their head.

Unfortunately, no amount of love and adoration can uproot the negative view of self that besets the anxiously attached. It’s like Dr. Vincent Felitti said,

It is hard to get enough of something that almost works.

Dating and Self-Abandonment

Another obviously terrible byproduct of anxious attachment is worrying so much about the approval of others that you forget that your approval has equal value.

Anxious types put on the full-court press to win over a new love interest, all the while ignoring red flags and glaring incompatibilities.

They may focus with astonishing tunnel-vision on securing a permanent relationship with someone, only to find out much later that they don’t even like the person all that much.

In short, anxious people are horrible at dating — a process meant to involve sharing your authentic selves with one another and mutually deciding if y’all might enjoy each other’s company for the long haul.

Dating is completely botched when one person is so desperate for connection that they try to cram themselves into a role they believe the other person will approve of.

Like a moth to the flame, this phenomenon is self-destructive.

How Do I Change?

Think of changing your attachment style is like moving to another planet where everything you thought you knew about relationships is entirely wrong.

It’ll take ongoing, intentional learning and practice to unlearn the crap that’s been driving your bus for decades. It won’t be easy, and it won’t happen overnight, but it will be the single most important factor in improving the quality of your life.

Suggestions

Improve your relationship with yourself.
Identify all your emotionally immature behaviors and practice their opposites.
Discover your limiting beliefs about self and others and rewrite them.
Envision your ideal relationship in great detail so you know if a person is right for you or not.

Remember, anxious attachment is characterized by a negative view of yourself and a positive view of others. You absolutely have to change this. There are innumerable ways to go about it. My article on self-love is an excellent place to start.

Join a healing community or support group of some sort. In the book Change or Die, Alan Deutschman notes how, left to their own devices, 90% of heart disease patients don’t change their lifestyle post-heart surgery. Yet, 77% of patients enrolled in a supportive program were able to maintain lifestyle changes long-term and avoid further health complications.

In other words, willpower is dog shit. Get help.

Self-awareness is key. See a therapist. Hire a coach. Read books and blogs. Attend workshops and conferences. Learn about vulnerability, boundaries, and intimacy.

But never forget that knowledge is not enough — you have to apply it. Nothing works if you don’t.

If you’ve got deep-rooted trauma stored in your body and your subconscious mind, you may need to see a trauma specialist, hypnotist, or energy healer to exorcise those demons. There are some things you simply can’t heal by yourself. Please, ask for help.

There is Hope

Having an anxious attachment style is not a death sentence.

On the contrary, being in this camp means you have a tremendous capacity for love, affection, and self-sacrifice.

And these are all wonderful things if moderately used without martyrdom.

Relationships are hard work for everyone — but your attachment style determines what that work will look like for you.

It’s all part of the human experience. Enjoy the ride.

Adam Murauskas is a relationship coach and Medium top writer. He and his wife Rebecca abandoned their careers and moved to Panamá in 2019 to pursue passions for helping people heal. Take a free relationship quiz at FixYourPicker.com or find daily content on Instagram @fixyourpicker.

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