Are they actually your soulmate?

Think you finally found your soulmate? These are the signs you should look for and the questions you should ask yourself.

by: E.B. Johnson

Love is exciting, and it can encourage us to do many incredible and transformative things. How do you know when you’ve found that one special person, though? How can you be sure that this the person you were meant to spend the rest of your life with? There are a number of signs that we’ve finally found the one, but the finding isn’t the only part of the journey. Once we’ve found our soulmate, we also have to be realistic about where we’re going with them.

From greater confidence, to a sense of understanding and support — there are a number of signs that we have finally met that one special person for us. Our hearts find a home when we find a reciprocal soul in someone else. The process can change us from the inside-out and encourage us to discover things about ourselves we never realized before. Love transforms us, but it’s not always easy to spot or understand. Think you’ve finally found “the one”? Ensure that your future, your values and your hopes are aligned.

Meaningful relationships are hard to find.

Our intimate relationships can form a critical cornerstone of our lives and provide us with both enjoyment and support. When we get them wrong, however, they can seriously undermine our happiness. Romance comes easy, but love comes hard. Try as we do to make things work, the people we fall for are not always who we think we are. But sometimes they are. How can you tell if you’ve really found your soulmate? Look for the signs of someone who loves you and supports you no matter what.

We fall in-and-out of love in this life, but it is rare that we meet a person that we can actually build a meaningful future with. This passionate falling can make us blind, and it can make us hard to see the truth for all our excited hopes. There are concrete signs, however, that the person we’ve found is meant to be in our lives forever. The way we proceed is ultimately up to us and answers we find along the way.

If you think that you’ve found your forever-person, then you need to be honest, open and real with them and about them. Sometimes, the person that we love most in this world — the person that we want to spend the rest of our lives with — is not the right person for that right moment. Ask yourself some brutal questions and have the hard talks the right way. Open up about what you really want from your life and your partnerships and discover for yourself if this is the person you were meant to pledge your commitment to.

Signs you’ve found person you’re going to spend forever with.

Think you’ve found the person you’re meant to spend “forever” with? Look for these sure-fire signs that they are the person that you can make a long-term commitment with.

The work comes easy

Every relationship requires work and commitment from all parties involved, but that’s often a commitment that gets lost in serious imbalance. If you have found yourself in partnership in which this work comes easily (or both parties willingly put in the effort without conflict) then it can be a sign that you’ve found someone you need to take seriously as it relates to romance. This indicates an equilibrium and stability that is often hard to recreate. When true equality is reached in love, even hard things happen naturally.

Time is never an issue

To the true soulmate — time is never an issue. Life has a funny way of presenting us with opportunities when we least expect them, but it’s up to us to judge the timing and take whatever action suits best. Just because you’re not right for one another right now, does not mean that the relationship will not bloom later on down the road. Be patient and know that the things that are supposed to happen generally do (as long as we stay diligent and proactive).

Becoming a better person

Does your partner encourage to be a better person? Do they strive to set an example, or push you closer and closer to your dreams? If you become a better person around your partner, it might be a sign that they’re the person that you could build a solid life with. We should inspire one another and motivate our partners to make the best possible choices for their happiness and their lives. The more one of us thrives, the more both of us thrive.

Disappearing doubts

Disappearing doubts is one of the common signs that you’re secure and comfortable in an equitable relationship. Our doubts arise — most often — as our subconscious brain’s way of warning us off of something that isn’t quite right. It’s a pre-warning system, but the same can be said when our doubts disappear. If you no longer worry about the person sleeping next to you, they might be someone you can build a long-term future with.

Honesty is never in question

Honesty is a crucial part of any working relationship, and it’s especially crucial when it comes to our “soulmates”. We have to be honest with one another in order to stay open and in order to work through adversity. Without communication, we can find our relationships floundering on different pages and struggling to grow together. Likewise, a partner who cheats or constantly leaves you wondering will undermine the stability you feel in your partnership and in yourself. They have to be honest to be “the one”. Period.

Confidence rules

Has the way you see yourself shifted dramatically since your partner entered your life? Have they empowered you to realize the depth of your own strength and beauty? While our partners cannot give us confidence like a gift, they can change the way we see ourselves and help us find that self-esteem for ourselves. Having someone who believes in you gives you the courage to believe in yourself, and that leads to some truly transformative places.

Opening up happens naturally

Openness is another key piece in any successful soulmate relationship. When you’re open, you’re both open from the beginning; communicating naturally and with a willingness that’s both apparent and comforting. There’s never a question where the other person stands, because you’re constantly talking to one another to make sure you’re on the same page. You want to know where the other person came from, and you want them to understand where you’re at. Questions become the norm and deep convo happens regularly.

Planning as a pastime

Do you and your partner spend a lot of time making plans for the future? This is an important sign that you’re both considering one another in a very serious light, and a positive sign that you might have found the one. In order to build relationships that last, we have to make plans that include one another (and the inevitable compromises that will come along the way). We have to envision one another sharing lives and a home; we have to imagine a world that’s created by us as a couple.

How to know when they’re NOT the one.

Equally important as knowing the signs of a soulmate — it’s crucial that you understand the warning signs of the wrong person. Though you love them, these behaviors can indicates serious red flags in your partner that are dangerous to ignore.

They belittle you

Does your partner belittle you, or your dreams? Do they dismiss your feelings or make you feel like you’re stupid for opening up? This is not only a sign of a bad-fit partner, it’s a sign of emotional abuse. People who love you don’t talk down to you, and they don’t dismiss your happiness or your hopes. They support you and demonstrate their love for you through this support every day.

They’re not there for you

Support is a key part of any relationship, and it’s one of the primary reasons that we build intimate partnerships to begin with. Our partners should support us physically, but also emotionally. They should be there for us when we’re having a hard time and do what they can to show us that we are loved and that they are there to listen to us. A partner who is never there for you now, is a partner who will never be there for you in the future. If they can’t show up, they aren’t your soulmate.

They don’t like your friends

Social isolation is a major red flag, and so is any partner who refuses to take part in your family and friend circles. Building a life together means just that, combining our lives. If your partner refuses to be around your friends, or they make war every time your family comes around — they’re trying to isolate you and that can be an early indication of abusive behavior. While our partners don’t need to be fans of every person in our lives, they should make an effort to include them (and be included in our experiences with those same people).

They abuse you

Abuse — be it physical, mental or emotional — is inexcusable and unacceptable in any circumstance. Someone who loves you will not abuse you. Period. There is never a time when they will do it to prove a point; there’s never a time when it works as an educational tool. Abuse is a person’s way of controlling the people around them. Rather than building equitable and stable relationships, they rely on fear to get their way and retain control of the people around them.

They lie to you constantly

Does your partner constantly lie to you, or betray you in word or deed? Those who love us do not go out of their way to hurt us. This includes intentionally taking actions that they know will cause us pain by association. A partner or a spouse who hides things from you, or otherwise leads a life full of secrets, is not someone who is your soulmate. They are someone who is potentially lost and looking out for themselves before anyone or anything else.

They want different things

It’s hard to consider someone your soulmate if they want totally different things for their futures or their lives. For example, perhaps you want a large family with lots of children — but they don’t. This is a major future point of importance, and one that cannot be ignored. Things like family and career are things that should not be compromised on, lest they seriously undermine our long-term happiness. Someone who wants such different things from life is not the person who is meant to share ours.

They tell you

There’s a lot to be said for the one-sided relationship and the misguided affections of those who aren’t loved in return. If the person you believe is your soulmate as told you that you’re not the one — respect them. Though it is a bitter pill to swallow, the love we have for others is not always returned to us. Even if you believe this person to check all the boxes, you cannot force them into a relationship they aren’t willing to see through.

Considerations to make before committing to forever.

Before you leap into anything long term, or unite your lives in irreversible ways — it’s important that you make a few key considerations. Finding our soulmate does not guarantee us forever, especially if we do not first work on resolving our own vision of the future. Before saying “I do” or buying a house together, take these crucial considerations to mind.

1. Where are we going?

Finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is fantastic, but it stands little hope of lasting without some type of long-term vision. We have to ask ourselves where we’re going with the person that we love; we have to make plans and find the purpose behind our relationships. Being in love is more than the rush and the butterflies. It’s building a life with someone else and working toward a common goal that keeps you united and bonded through thick and through thin.

Even if you are soulmates on the most basic and passionate of levels, you need to ensure that your ultimate goals in this life are aligned and mutual. It is impossible to keep any relationship going — no matter how much you love one another — if you don’t want the same things from life. It is very possible, however, to love one another deeply and want completely different things from the world around you.

Consider what kind of longevity your relationship really has. Even if you’re meant to be together, have you both worked through enough personal baggage to make that a possibility? Do you have similar visions for the future? Do you want similar things from your family lives, careers, or choice of living place? Love does little to heal the wounds of disappointed expectations? Be honest and be clear. Are you both heading in the same direction? Can you make that alignment happen without moving heaven and earth?

2. Where have we been?

History plays a big part in our relationships, especially when it comes to love and our long-term partnerships. While we are not the sum of our past actions, the experiences of our past go a long way in making us who we are. There are some traumas that run too deep; some mistakes that can’t be overcome (no matter how badly we want to). You have to look at the person you’re considering for forever and ask yourself: “Where have we been? Can we come back?”

The person you believe to be your soulmate might also be the person who emotionally wounds most in the world. It’s important to take history into consideration, as well as the patterns of behaviors and beliefs that they’ve exhibited over time. These make up important facets of personality, but they also indicate our aligned goals and values.

Don’t invest in someone that has a history of pain, abuse and heartache — no matter how much your soul might long to be with them. Don’t invest even more of your energy into someone who has already wounded you or proved themselves to be unfaithful. Loving someone is not enough to change them. Passion is not enough to convince someone to be someone else. We alone have the power to change ourselves, and that is a decision that has to be made whether someone else is in the picture or not.

3. Is this realistically workable?

One of the most brutal realities in this life is that it’s not always workable with our soulmate. Though we love them — though they see parts of us that no one else takes the time to understand — there are some challenges that can’t be overcome; some divides that run too deep. Practicality plays a big part in our romantic relationships. While long-distance might work for a time, as humans we need physical affection and nurturing too. Don’t deny yourself happiness in the name of “love”. Be honest. Is this realistically workable?

Sometimes, the barriers of space, time, or even cultures make it impossible for us to maintain the love and affection that we need to stay connected with one another. Though there might not be anyone else in the world for you, there may be no way to be physically together either. It’s up to you to decide if that’s something you can handle at your core.

Consider whether your relationship is realistically workable. Drop all your dreams and the romance, and the butterflies in your stomach. Look at things from a completely emotionless and logical perspective. Take your feelings out of it. Be totally objective. Is there any way this relationship can proceed in any healthy or fulfilling way? Is it more work than it’s actually worth? You’re the only one who can decide, but you’re going to have to spend some time getting familiar with what you want from your relationships (and your life).

4. Is this the right time?

Although things might not be ideal for you and your soulmate now, that does not mean the same will hold true forever. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of getting the timing right — or making sure we slow things down and set a steady pace for moving things forward. Love isn’t about instant gratification. It’s about learning to allow things to unfold naturally and with acceptance.

Take a step back from your emotions and all the ideas swirling around in your head. Look at reality. Is this the right time for you to reveal your love? Is it the right time for both of you to drop it all, to try to build a life together? When we leap too soon, we can shatter a promising relationship by exposing it to unnecessary stress.

Don’t rush things. Be patient. If your ‘soulmate’ is still wrapping things up with someone else, allow that to play out. Don’t pressure someone and don’t rush them into something they aren’t sure about yet. Let your soulmate come to you when they’re ready; come to one another when you’re both stable (emotionally and financially) and ready to move forward into a mutually enjoyable future.

5. Am I the best person I can be?

If you have truly found the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with, then you owe them the best version of yourself that you can possibly be. That means working through your emotional baggage and ensuring you’ve done everything you can to alleviate any toxic behaviors or patterns that might also adversely impact their lives and wellbeing. Are you the best person you can be? It’s a crucial question to ask yourself whether you’re looking for love or not.

Detach yourself from the relationship, and the excitement, and all the giddiness. Look at yourself — apart from your soulmate — and analyze yourself for who you truly are right now in this moment. Are there things about yourself that could be improved? Deeper truths that still need to be discovered? If you’re going to settle down for the rest of your life, you deserve to do is n peace and in health.

Work on resolving the pain of your past. Trace your way back and pull through the knots of emotional baggage and toxic insecurities that can make you a challenging partner or difficult person to connect with. The more centered, stable and balanced you are on the inside, the stronger your relationships will become on the outside. If you want to truly find relationships that are lasting and fulfilling, come to them as a person that is as healed and as whole as possible. Don’t look for someone else to fix you.

Putting it all together…

Finding our soulmate is no easy feat, and it’s an accomplishment that can make us giddy and excited for the future. Spotting the signs of a long-term partner are easy to spot, but what’s not always easy are the considerations that must be made next. Think you’ve found the right person to spend forever with? That’s a great first step. Next, ask yourself some critical questions and get honest about where you’re going.

Consider where you’re going in life, and where you want to go with your partner. Loving each other deeply and without condition is not enough. We must also have plans and values that align with one another. Once you know where you’re going with your soulmate, it’s time to consider where you’ve been. Are there any aspects to your history that could make long-term commitment impossible? What of their history? No matter how much we love someone, it’s not always enough to overcome the pain of the past. Ensure that your relationship is realistically workable before you make any major commitments. It’s crucial that you also consider the timing. Realizing our love for someone does not always align with their plan, or where they’re at in life. Wait for the right moment to share your feelings and then ask yourself, “Am I ready for this forever commitment? Am I the best version of myself that I can be?” The more healed you are on the inside, the stronger your relationships become outside.