The questions you should be asking yourself if you think you’ve found “the one”

If you think you’ve found someone to spend the rest of your life with — these are the questions you should be asking.

by: E.B. Johnson

From the silver screen to social media feeds, it’s clear that we are a species obsessed with finding “the one”. Even as children, this becomes an end-all-be-all goal, but it’s one that — for many of us — can cause a great deal of stress later on in life when we find ourselves struggling with long term relationships.

Discovering someone you can spend the rest of your life with is a process that takes a lot of time and self-discovery. No matter how much you love someone, it doesn’t guarantee success in the long-term unless some very specific criteria is met and you have cultivated your own levels of personal understanding and respect. If you believe that you’ve found someone you’re ready to settle down with forever, read on, and get ready to ask yourself (and your partner) some serious questions before saying “I do.”

Is there such a thing as “the one”?

The honest answer? Yes and no. There are billions of people on this planet, and it’s just not possible to meet each and every one, no matter how hard you try. While you meet someone who you feel is your soulmate, there might be another great fit waiting for you on the other side of the planet.

Finding “the one” isn’t so much about finding the one singular person you were cosmically ordained to elope with on a mountain. It’s more about finding someone who compliments you and your goals so well that you can begin building a future with the support you need to thrive (together).

When it comes to finding “the one” that journey and experience looks very different to many different people. While we might not find someone who is perfect in every single way for us, it’s very possible to find someone with which we could be happily and safely settle down with, while working toward a shared goal. This is the true nature of “the one” — but the signs and signals of their appearance in your life are always very clear.

Signs you might have found the one.

Meeting someone who has your best interests at heart can be a transformative experience. While our relationships don’t define us and don’t (by themselves) provide happiness, they can be a source of inspiration and allow us to find the happiness within our own lives. When we meet the right person, there are a number of a signs we can look for, but they alone aren’t enough. They are still some important questions you need to ask yourself.

They listen to you

Good partners listen to one another, actively, and they strive to make sure the other party knows they’re always willing to open up and to share. If you’re fortunate enough to have found someone that not only checks in on you, but genuinely listens, you might be dealing with someone you can spend your future with.

They never put you down

Our loved ones should never put downs. Putting down our partners is a sign of immaturity and disrespect, and it can also be an early warning sign of emotional abuse. Belittling people is also a reflection of our own securities, which need to be resolved and put to rest before any meaningful relationships or personal growth can take place.

They’re stable

Stability is a huge part of a healthy relationship, and something which both partners must always strive for in order to secure. When we find stable partners, they help us stabilize our own lives, and add a certain level of trust and dependability that fosters deep and lasting and bonds that are shared between partners and their common goals.

They’re always honest with you

Honesty can be a hard pill to swallow at times, but it’s always the best policy. It is only through honesty — both with ourselves and our partners — that we can truly grow and incorporate the transformations we’re so desperately seeking. If your partner is always honest with you, it’s a sign that they want the best for you and that they respect you. Honest partners tell you the truth, especially when it matters most; even if it hurts your feelings.

They build you up

Though we often seek partners that represent familiar aspects of our pasts or childhoods, we should seek partners that build us up and push us to do better. Our partners can be a great source of inspiration and they can really encourage us to go after the dreams we aren’t brave enough to pursue on our own. Finding a partner who builds us up is key if we’re looking to settle down in the longterm.

They support you

More than building you up, a good partner should also support you and be there for you when you need. This can come down to emotional needs, physical needs or even intellectual needs. A supportive partner is one who gives you a dependable shoulder to lean on with no expectation of glory or return. If you’ve found a partner who supports you, they’re worth keeping close to your heart and keeping on-hand for future endeavors.

The 8 questions to ask yourself if you think you’ve found “the one”.

Finding someone you can envision spending the rest of your life with is no small feat, and it’s certainly not a decision to be taken lightly. Committing ourselves — be it through marriage, engagement, civil union or anything else — has a major on the quality of our lives and requires compromise, perseverance and an understanding that nothing good happens without hard work. If you think you’ve found that person, ask yourself these 8 questions to better understand both yourself and your capacity for spending the rest of “forever” with this specific person.

1. Do I know how to be alone?

As humans, we crave social interaction and relationships and we suffer some real mental and physical consequences if we don’t fulfill that need. Our relationships mean a lot to us, and through them we learn more about ourselves and our place within the world. The thought of being alone is (understandably) overwhelming, but that fear can also cause us to rush into relationships and circumstances that don’t really suit us. If you think you’ve found “the one” — as great as that feeling might be — you first need to ask yourself: do I know how to be alone?

Truly happy relationships aren’t about two people coming together and becoming one strange golem. They’re about two people coming together and working hard in unison (as individuals) to build a shared future. It’s a partnership, but not partnership can stand when it is unbalanced and ill-fitted. In order to be a good partner, you need to be a good person first; something which only comes after a great deal of self-exploration and testing the waters of who you are on your own.

Being on our own allows us to discover things that can become obscured by an intense, long-term relationship. When we are on our own, we get to rely on our own abilities, and our own abilities alone, which then in turn allows us to build confidence and piece together new aspects of our authentic self. Going into a long-term relationship without taking this time to stand on your own can lead to serious problems later on down the line. Much like heading to the airport before you’ve had a chance to pack your bags.

2. Does this person have my back?

It’s hard to plan any sort of future with someone who doesn’t have your back when it matters most. The people we commit to in the long-term have to be people we can trust, and that means sticking up to their own friends and family in your defense when the chips are down.

Ask yourself: does this person have my back? Is this person the sort of person that will protect me and stick up for me when other people try to tear me down? If you can’t immediately answer that question with an ardent, yes, it might be a sign that something isn’t right in your relationship.

We have to be completely sure of the people we open up to. Getting married, moving in, or agreeing to go the distance with someone you can’t trust is self-defeating and counterproductive. By engaging with someone you don’t trust fully, you’ll prevent yourself from opening up and miss another of other opportunities that might otherwise have offered you the chance for massive growth.

3. How does this person express love?

Love languages are a real thing, and they’re very important to the health and longevity of a relationship. These languages include acts of service, words of affirmation, gift-receiving, quality time and physical touch. For some of us, a little of each is needed to stay fulfilled and happy. For others, they require a bit of one and none of the other to relax into a healthy and comfortable partnership.

Knowing what our love language is makes it easier to bond and connect with our partners and, often, when we feel like we’re not on the same page with the other person — it’s because we aren’t speaking the same language in our romantic interactions.

Consider how you express love, and consider too how your partner expresses love. If you find your relationship or your interactions with your partners are fraught with jealousy, insecurity and conflict, it might be a sign that your love languages are incompatible. It’s also a sign that things aren’t fitting together the way they should be; something important to consider before committing your lives to one another.

4. Do our visions for the future align?

Though many of us believe that good relationships are built on similarities, nothing could be further from the truth. While having similar characteristics or interests might create common bonds in the early days, these are relatively superficial bonds built up the shifting sands of taste and personality which can change over time.

The true foundation of any successful relationship is not similar interests, it’s similar visions for the future. When we find ourselves bound to a person who is striding toward the same things we ultimately want in life, it becomes easier to work as a team and remain focused as you overcome heartbreaks and break-ups, career changes and major moves.

Consider where you’re at and where you want to be in ten years or twenty years. Does your partner want to end in the same place, or do they want something that’s completely un-aligned with the way you see your future? Asking ourselves these questions before we commit to something that can’t give us what we want is critical, in order to avoid later heartbreak.

5. How well do they mesh with my family?

If you’re a person with strong family ties, it’s important to find someone who not only understands those ties, but someone who appreciates them too. If family is important to you, it should be important to the person you commit to, and they should blend well with your family whether or not you’re in the picture.

Think about your partner and how they interact with your family. Do they get along with your parents? Your siblings? How well do they mesh with your family and — more than that — does your family also like your partner?

Though we like to think that our relationships have nothing to do with our families, that simply isn’t the case when you’re someone with strong familial relationships. The pressure of a partner-family conflict is one that is hard (if not impossible) to overcome, so it’s critical you find someone who understands those ties. If the person you’re considering spending the rest of your life with attempts to alienate you or push you away from your family, it’s a sure-fire sign that you’re not compatible in the long run and it might be even be an early-warning sign of emotional abuse.

6. What do I feel like after we fight?

Disagreements happen in long-term relationships, but it’s not normal to resolve a fight feeling worse or more beaten down than you did before the blow out. The way we fight with our partners is important, but it’s also important to assess how we bring those conflicts to a close and how we internalize and examine those disagreements afterward. Contrary to what we might think, arguing with our partners is all about growth; but if you walk away from a fight feeling worse about yourself that you did at the start, it might be a indicator that there’s something bigger going on.

Think about the way you and your partner approach conflict and consider too your biggest arguments and disagreements. Disagreeing happens from time to time, and major blowouts, too, can even be constructive in their own unique way. Ask yourself how the two of you resolved your most recent disagreements. Did you resort to name-calling, belittling or shame? Did they? If so, it might be necessary to take a step back before making any major moves.

Happy couples are those who know how to resolve their issues in a constructive way. This means coming to the table on an even playing field and shying away from judgements and reservations. It also means committing to talk and committing to taking responsibility for our own actions, decisions and mistakes. It’s all about maturity, and happy couples are those who can maturely address their issues in a way that allows them to stay aligned and focused on a future that matters more than the heat of an argument or selfish pride. If the two of you can’t argue without destroying each other, it’s time to think again.

7. Does this person show me empathy?

While we need to trust our partners with our vulnerabilities, we also need their compassion and their empathy. Keeping a lid on our secrets and weaknesses is one part of the happy-relationship equation, but so too is showing empathy and compassion when we express our feelings and thoughts. When we’re looking for the one, we should ask ourselves always: does this person actually care?

Dig into the meat of your partnership and consider how well the other person listens to you. Do they genuinely try to extend themselves when you open up, or do they put on a shallow display and dismiss your emotions out of hand? If we’re looking for relationships that can stand the test of time, we have to look for people who know how to listen and appreciate our feelings for the value they hold.

Empathy and compassion should always take-up a great deal of space in our relationships. It is through our empathy and our compassion that we connect, and it is a great intimate cohesive that works to keep us bonded through times of great turmoil and upheaval. These skills allow us too to lean knew things about ourselves and our depth for love, understanding and transformation. If your partner can’t or won’t try to understand where you’re coming from, chances are they haven’t developed these skills yet. It’s important to decide if they are foundations you can do without.

8. Can I tell this person anything?

We all know that trust is a crucial part of our relationships, but we don’t often consider the depth of our trust as we should. Our partners see us at our best and worst moments, and they know things about us that we would never share with the outside world. Finding “the one” means more than just finding someone who agrees to come along for the ride. It means finding someone who knows how to keep our secrets, and knows how to keep them well. We have to be able to tell our partners anything if we want to spend the rest of our lives with them, but the reality of that often takes some brutal personal honesty of our own.

Consider whether or not you can truly open up to this person, and consider whether or not you can trust them to keep the private things private. If you’ve found yourself with someone who runs off to their family or best friends with things you’d rather keep between the two of you, it’s a sign of immaturity and disrespect — two things that don’t bode well for a dependable future. Be honest with yourself and be honest about them. Can you trust them? Listen to your gut, your brain and your heart. It’ll give you the right answer.

Long-term relationships are about far more than just keeping a lid on your childhood secrets. They’re about being able to drop the walls with one another. We depend on our partners for many things, and a part of that dependence is an understanding that certain things are private and meant only for the two of you. We need to be able to tell our partners anything, and we need to be able to trust them with not only our romantic safety, but our mental and emotional safety as well. If we can’t trust the person we choose to stand next to us, can we truly trust ourselves? It’s a recipe for disaster.

Putting it all together…

Finding the person we’re meant to be with is a personal journal that takes a bit of time, understanding and respect. Our long term relationships are deep and meaningful ones, which offer us a lot of perspective on not only ourselves, but our place in the world as well. As the years progress, these relationships can change and transform, leading us to ask some serious questions that are critical for not only our happiness, but the happiness of our partners as well. Before you commit to the story of forever, there are some serious questions you have to ask both yourself and your partner.

Consider your relationship intently and consider your place in the world around you. How long have you been coupled up? Do you even know how to be alone? If we don’t love ourselves enough on our own, it’s impossible to love someone any better. Look back over the time you’ve spent with them. Does this person have your back and show you empathy? How do you feel after you fight about something? The people who share our futures should be people who build us up, rather than those that tear us down. Ask yourself the questions that matter and consider how your visions for the future align. Are you striving after the same things in life? Only though couples with similar dreams can truly overcome the pressures of day-to-day living. Get real with yourself and get real with them. You’re the only ones with the answers and the clock is ticking. Can you afford to wait another day to get what you need?